Manipulated by women that “can’t”

Onedaystronger
Sounds almost like a seizure like episode, triggered by something, a common in those fragrances.

Reading this in good faith but I'm really getting some humblebrag vibes of "pick me"/"not like the other girls" 😅 it is very possible to be a woman and be influenced by misogynistic attitudes and to be disproportionately prone to paying more critical attention to/negatively stereotyping other women

I can't set up a tv

Tbf not driving at night could be because of shitty, shitty headlights that are blinding even when you drive with a dipped mirror and cover your wing mirrors with your hand. There's a petition on here about reviewing the brightness but the government are shit.

Can I ask what your diagnosis is and what the injectable is?

Your post has rung true for me with some issues my mother has had recently and she has long been sensitive to artificial smells. She gets migraines too.

I would appreciate any help you could give me as she is currently going through investigations for it. PM me if you would prefer it to remain private but I really would be so grateful for any help you could give us.xx

Re. the holiday stuff I'd just say that I wanted to do xyz and planned to get a bus (or whatever) and tell her she's welcome to join you or to arrange alternate transport if she's not ok with a bus, but that you won't be doing any other organising because you're happy with the current plan so anything else is on her. (And just say, no, you're not willing to drive, if you don't want to - it's your holiday too). And if not you'll catch up with her in the evening back at the hotel.

It may just be that you have different expectations of a holiday - she wants to relax at the hotel, you want to explore. In which case she's not really being unreasonable. Maybe she's willing to keep you company as long as it's a relaxing outing, but if it's not actually something she'd choose to do and she's already compromising to go on the outing at all, why should she put herself out to organise it etc. If you would in fact like her company on the outings then you might need to compromise. If on the other hand she's the one who wants to do the outings just expects you to do all the work to facilitate then then she's a c.f. and you should just say no and do what suits you.

Either way whether it's she's a CF or just that you want different things from a holiday maybe you need to look for a different travel companion - or go away on your own in future

Actually, upon re-reading your examples, it sounds to me like quite a few of the women are just asserting thier boundaries (not taking the bus on holiday, not starting work until 10:30, not driving to the meetup)

could you be jealous that they are asserting thier boundaries, where maybe you aren't?

there's nothing to stop you saying that you aren't going to pick your friend up to drive to the specified place, or saying you aren't happy hanging around the hotel all day so you are getting the bus somewhere.

The perfume thing does ring true to me and it's a bloody nightmare. Artificial fragrances can make me very unwell very quickly. I carry an injectable to help it but it takes a while to kick in and the side effects are nasty. It's not life threatening but during an attack I am in a lot of pain, can't speak, can't move my left side and loose continence.

So I do all that I can to avoid situations where I'd encounter artificial fragrance. Some set me off more severely than others, and I've not been able to work out why. Worst culprits are aftershave, perfume and plug in air fresheners.

I do ask where possible that people don't wear fragrance around me. It's just a request and I have to respect their right to wear whatever they wish. Obviously I can only make a request like this in certain situations and a lot of the time I have to take my chances.

Last month I was at the theatre and someone a few seats away was wearing a strong heady perfume. I used my injectable and left the area with help from a friend but still ended up being very unwell and setting myself- I am a 7 day a week tenna wearer!.

Sorry for long post. I just wanted to defend those of us who really do have a problem with certain smells!

I recognise this. I have a member of my wider family who pays the incapable so that others rally to her desires. Bloody well works, too. It's annoying.

I don’t think it’s an age thing or the fact that they are single, I think you are just noticing it more/becoming aware that you can also create boundaries for yourself.

Well there you go! Clearly reading all the details on posts on here is also beyond me! 🥳

I've seen weaponised incompetence in all ages but agree age is a factor. It annoys me in the workplace, baffles me in friends.

My husband expected me to be an equal. So I check my own oil, water and tyre pressure in my car. If there's an issue with it I organise the garage. I sort out my MOT, tax, insurance.

I used to paint, decorate, garden.

I used to sail.

I used to do so much but back and hip issues have put paid to so much. Pain limits my life now.

What is funny is husbands New all singing, dancing car with lots of electronics. I said read the manual. He never reads manuals. Today he caved and sat down with the manual.

Son is coming round to give him a lesson 😂

Hi @Mistressofpemberly,

I have a lot of trouble with this myself (things I "can't" do)

I spent ages talking to a psychologist about it and worked out what it is. It turns out that very often my body just refuses to do things when I'm be being controlled or manipulated by people.

For example:

In the past if DH said we needed to visit MIL and FIL. I knew that FIL would treat me like dirt on his shoe and the visit would be awful. Low and behold, two days before the flight to visit them, I would get ill, or I would get vertigo, or something else wild would happen. My body would just incapacitate me, so that I couldn't go on the trip.

Anyway, after a long time talking to a therapist, I finally plucked up the courage to tell the ILs to take a hike, and put my foot down with DH. Very very suddenly after that, by body started working again. So I think this can totally be anxiety, and it can be very complicated to fix it.

It was properly weird.

I'm much more mindful now of not letting people push me around, but it can still be very challenging. I mean there are always going to be different demands and some are harder than others to argue against, or to meet.

But then you're just enabling her. If I was travelling with a friend and they refused to walk or take a but somewhere I wanted to walk or take the bus to I'd just tell them to meet me there and make their own way.

It would never cross my mind that I had to either drive or take a taxi if I didn't want to. I'm not glued by the hip to those I travel with, even when it's my family, so what they choose to do does not constrain me.

I wonder if everything that annoys me should be lumped under 'disabilities', I can't stand the smell of popcorn, does that fit under fragrances as it's a smell.

I think thats where the strategic "bad back" comes in handy. My sister had surgery for something that was as personal as a prolapse (ie something you dont want the world to know about) and when she was restricted she said that she had done her back in. So much sympathy and no one questioned it.

I think that the women the OP is referring to could do things but wont. You are the opposite, you would but you cant.

ETA.....the only time I have ever hoovered behind the sofa was when one went out the door and the new one was about to come in! fuck that shit!

So I’m interested to know, are these women married? It could be that their husbands are undermining their confidence, or at least that might be a factor.

Last sentence of the first paragraph of the OP: They are all single.

also, in what way are you being expected/manipulated to fill in the gaps with someone who doesn't start work until 10:30? If you just stopped filling in the gaps, would the business collapse?

it seems you've listed things that annoy you, that you feel somehow impacts you, but haven't actually clarified what leads you to believe that these women are intentionally acting in a misleading way in order to get you to behave in a certain way or do a certain thing?

I have asthma, strong perfume triggers it. I tend to move away however, if possible.

Since I had a birth injury having my son, I can’t lift things. I mean, physically I can move the sofa to hoover behind it, carry heavy bags, take the full washing basket outside to hang out the laundry - but I shouldn’t because it exacerbates the prolapse and sometimes takes days or weeks to feel ok again. I know people who don’t know my medical history look askance at me when I say I can’t carry something that isn’t technically very heavy - it’s easy to be judgemental and to feel superior because you can do something easily, without bothering to think why someone else can’t do it.

"no busses, no walking etc"

it doesn't necessarily sound like you are being manipulated to fill in in the gaps, it just sounds like you both have different ideas of what you want to get out if the holiday? might she just want a more relaxed time?

Talking of things people can’t do, I’m increasingly incompetent at some aspects of technology. For example, it’s a real pain for me when something goes wrong with the workstation/laptop connections at work. This happens more often than it should as there’s no routine maintenance, the systems are both old and cobbled together and everyone at work has different laptops and equipment, so comparing with someone else’s isn’t really possible.

I don’t have much of a clue where to look to find the problem and usually ask for help. I am not really interested enough to learn. I do generally manage to work mobile phones and the laptop itself and can Google to problem solve, but the wires everywhere just make me want to roll my eyes. Fortunately there’s other stuff I am very competent at and I help others with other things, so my colleagues are usually willing to help.

Well technically my father has never been told he is allergic but he has severe asthma and strong perfume is his biggest trigger. It could kill him.

He has ended up hardly ever going into shops or cafes etc because of it.

But hey, if he dies it was probably just attention seeking, right?

Were you born this thick or did you do a course?

You work in a very odd place. I know plenty of people that age and older who can do all the things you mentioned.