Manipulated by women that “can’t”

I work with someone who is a variant on this. I'll call her Carol. We job share, but I work more days than her, although she's been doing it a lot longer than me. Our job sometimes involves learning new procedures and routines, but Carol seems to have evaded learning most of them and just leaves those particular jobs to be done on my days. My boss is aware of this and is not happy. She's planning to schedule some compulsory training and shift-swap experiences for Carol so she has no excuse for not knowing these things. I wonder if that might be the solution in some other cases where it's work-related stuff the people are claiming not to know.

But that’s the point of the thread I suspect - that some people are colonising very real issues such as an airborne allergy or panic attacks, as a convenient cloak for having the best seat / not being the one to drive / being picked up rather than having to make their own way somewhere , etc etc

Not liking a smell is different to getting allergic symptoms from any airborne allergy - which are very real, hives, itching, wheezing, throat closing etc.

Yes, I sort of know what you mean. I remember a thread from a while back where someone said she knew some women in Essex who were aghast that they were expected to get the Tube into London. I can understand finding the Tube a bit daunting if you are 12 but a sensible adult should be able to use it without making a massive fuss. It isn't full of goblins.

I couldn’t drive at night until the optician suggested an anti glare coating on my specs!

@chaosmaker

Yea this only started recently for me. I feel like I can't see well enough especially when those blinding headlights come towards me

It depends. I have 2 women like this at my workplace. One worse than the other. It's still weaponized incompetence, even if it's not in a relationship, but at a job. My response to "I can't do this." Is "It's ok, you'll learn. I didn't know how to in the beginning, either." What I no longer do is do it for them. I will not be doing other people's job, because it doesn't pay me more and they have a better salary.

I don’t want to be a woman who ‘can’t’ but strong perfumes trigger full on migraines. I would be trying to keep my distance too.

I think the “pick me/not like other girls” thing is far more an attitude associated with the people saying “can’t”. “I’m so special, so sensitive, etc., that I just can’t.” It’s all very “look at me”. There’s nothing “not like other girls” about getting on with things. It’s what most women actually do.

I do get the point about possibly being more critical of women than men and stereotyping but in general on here I think criticism falls pretty harshly on men who don’t pull their weight, so difficult to know if it’s unequal in this instance. I think it’s also possible for women to internalize that misogyny as a pressure to be passive and think they can’t or shouldn’t do things.

I will never eat something that I find disgusting.

The only one of that list is the motorway. I avoid it, if I can and will do a 30 minutes detour to avoid it. The reason, the amount of accidents ppl I know have had. When it goes wrong, it can go badly wrong. As a young driver, I wasn’t afraid of the motorway because I hadn’t heard of the bad and fatal experiences yet.

If someone was offered a million pounds to do those things in the list or their dream job interview, they would find a way if doing it.
They just won’t bust a gut for a meh friendship.

I get you OP, it's an issue at home right now and it also has been an issue at work. People asking for help with things they could actually do on their own if they just gave it a go, but I find it's easier for them just to ask someone else instead and then look utterly panicked if the answer is no!

I've heard all sorts of excuses:

• I'm rubbish at this
• You're better at it than me
• You're good at stuff like this
• It takes me ages, you're so much faster

The list goes on. I used to do it then realised what a mug I was, they can do it but would just rather not as it takes a bit of time and effort. So I stopped unless they were genuinely stuck. My philosophy being, that you'll never get better, faster etc unless you keep trying and that will never happen if someone is always doing it for you.

These people need to grow up, and develop some gumption!

I don’t think anyone takes it personally: how can it be personal if it’s directed at everyone?

I just think it’s self indulgent and “look at me”. And very tedious.

But more materially and coming back to point of the thread, it’s an example of the pathologisation of very normal emotions in an attempt to make people seem more intelligent and interesting than they actually are.

Calling yourself “introverted” makes it sound vaguely like it has a neurological justification and that it points to hidden depths and a sense that the person thinks and feels deeply. When usually it’s prosaic as hell: people are boring and self-absorbed and can’t be bothered to snap out of their navel gazing.

I think it’s easy to use the anonymity of an internet forum to be able to say how you really feel. This may explain why it’s more commonly expressed online.

You can’t say these things in public / private because people take it personally.

They do advertise it on here though. There’s rarely a day that goes by on here without someone banging on about how much they hate people. Invariably followed by the observation that they are an “introvert”. So that’s all OK then

Yeah they definitely do. If someone doesnt show up to works drinks for example, no big deal. I've cried off work events many times because I was too tired, just wanted to go home and chill etc
I've literally never said "I am not coming because I am an introvert" I've just always said "sorry guys, I dont fancy it this evening, I need to rest/ want to see my kids/be at home" etc

But many people do brag about how much they hate people which to me, comes across as dickish.

I’m an introvert. I always used to go to work social stuff. I like people. I’m not at all shy or quiet.

Hiwever, they exhaust me eventually so l have to retreat and recharge.

They do advertise it on here though. There’s rarely a day that goes by on here without someone banging on about how much they hate people. Invariably followed by the observation that they are an “introvert”. So that’s all OK then.

I quite often cry off work drinks as well for a variety of reasons but I don’t feel the need to rebadge myself as an introvert. Do it or don’t do it, no one really cares. Just stop passing it off as example of how special or deep you are.

It’s harder to be alone on a remote Scottish island, you can be more anonymous in a big city.

And most people who prefer not to interact don’t advertise that fact or make a fuss about it. They might make excuses for not going to after work drinks, and might use introversion as an excuse because it’s hard to tell people you want nothing to do with them.

I am an introvert, always a quiet , shy child, some social anxiety, love my own company and seek out solitude when I need to recharge.

But, I love people. I love being out with friends, I love meeting new people and find them fascinating. I love people watching and working out what makes them tick. I have learned to be good company and feel comfortable in a group now. I just know my limits as to how much of it I can take without a break (like anything we enjoy).

I agree, being an introvert and hating people are absolutely not the same thing.

My DH is some of a manic extrovert. He has to be doing from 7am to 10pm. Walk the dogs, breakfast, bike ride to his hobby, chat with mates. Home for lunch, back off out to the garden or fishing. Visiting neighbours. Home for dinner, then the TV, bed.

He doesn't understand reading a book for pleasure when I could be doing something .

I'm happy with my own company, he thinks I'm weird.

@cherrypieandcoffee

It’s also very needy and attention-seeking to go on about how much you “hate people”.

If you really hated people, you just wouldn’t seek to interact with them at all and wouldn’t advertise the fact.

The “hate people” people are usually just dull, self absorbed narcissists who want to find something to make others pay attention to them. It’s pathetic.

Unilaterally deciding “people” en masse are horrible and best avoided (and you get this a lot on here) is profoundly pathological, unkind and arrogant. It’s a you problem not a society problem

This is exactly my issue with it too. We all meet people who annoy us from time to time or have people we dont get on with- totally usual and normal. But if you cant get on with anyone at all and every single person irritates you just for merely existing or you have an issue with everyone, then the problem is very clearly you, and not them. But people like this never acknowledge that, it's always that everyone else that is the problem and it's never their own intolerance. They are presumably likeable and not annoying in their view, it's just everyone else who is not.

That is really not a healthy or functional perspective and I think those people would benefit from some self reflection because unless you are going to go live on a remote Scottish island with a population of 4, you cannot live your life completely avoiding other human beings so consequentially you'll be miserable all the time. Not only that, you will be subjecting others to your distain and obvious dislike.

But that’s a problem. Let’s be honest about this.

Being anxious or uncomfortable around people is one thing.

Unilaterally deciding “people” en masse are horrible and best avoided (and you get this a lot on here) is profoundly pathological, unkind and arrogant. It’s a you problem not a society problem.

There’s no upside to this attitude from the perspective of either the individual or society. And being the child of such a person is a miserable and limiting experience.

If people feel like that I personally think it’s a sign that something is not working for them and they ought to work on getting past it as best they can as opposed to indulging and celebrating it. See: “Its too peopley out there,” and other hilarious riffs on profound social dysfunction. If people really can’t bring themselves to do that let them crack on and suit themselves.

But PRing it as “introversion” and celebrating it as something that’s quirky and interesting? Nah.

No, I stand by that comment I'm afraid. If you dislike everyone else but think you are different or special then you are a bit of a dickhead. Sorry.

I think they are diving into old age too early!
I am now 73, and retired, I don't do anything I don't want to do now! However I don't expect people to do them for me, or put themselves out to accommodate me. I don't drive far at night because despite special glasses etc my night vision on unlit country roads or motorways is not good enough. When i worked and for a few years after, I did everything necessary for a 'normal' life. Since I turned 70, I find I don't enjoy holidays or being away from home, no anxiety involved, I would just rather be at home. It seems a bit strange even to me, but that is how I feel. I walk my dog locally, we are lucky to have beautiful beaches and woodland, and I am happy.

Yeah I agreed with that already up there. But the “dickhead” thing was a bit annoying tbh.