Would you be mad if your child eloped?

I would be delighted if they did that and spared us all the wedding shite. Their friends who are getting wed are all having increasingly big 'productions' and the cost must be astronomical. The last one they went to had something like 14 bridesmaids!

Be very careful. My friend wanted to do what you're planning. Holiday and registry office and lovely expensive restaurant afterwards all booked etc. They told their parents first as it felt like the right thing to do. Out of the blue her mother lost her mind about the whole thing and insisted she HAD to be there, weeping and sobbing that her heart was broken etc. Totally out of character for her. That then meant that they invited all the parents to keep the peace. Except her dad was adamant he would honour their wishes and refused to go and said the other 3 should too. They then had to change their dog sitting plans as her husband's parents were going to do it but now they were all going away the same weekend. So they had to rope in siblings to help but didn't tell them why. When siblings found out afterwards they were all upset as the parents had been invited and they felt snubbed. She really regrets telling them first and didn't end up with anything approaching the day they wanted.

So as long as you're invited 😂 that's not an elopement then and someone else along the chain will be upset instead. It never ends.

Me too.
If one of my 4 'ever' got married (to a nice person obviously) I'd be over the moon and take them out to celebrate asap.

As long as i loved their partner and their relationship was good loving and stable then i would be happy for them ,i wanted a 'secret' wedding with my bro as witness but he wouldn't do it as he was sure our parents would be upset so i didn't do it , if i had to do it again i would definitely elope .

Whose benefit is the ‘not telling them’ for? Your fiancé doesn’t mind your family being upset because they will look shocked before it upsets them? I don’t get it. Whose the surprise for?

I can see one of my DC doing this if they ever marry and it’s fine.

DH and I married with only 2 witnesses, my family were relieved I think as one of my siblings weddings was a bit ‘What are you paying for then?’ towards my parents when they couldn’t afford to contribute much.

DH’s family on the other hand were fuming, crying etc and our relationship has never recovered. Even though I’d never mentioned it previously at all, they just presumed we’d have a big wedding. His sibling blanked me afterwards for anges and told people how angry they were that they weren’t involved or told . They can get fucked, I’ll never speak to them again.

I think it depends. If my DC saw it as a bit of admin then I wouldn't be sad to miss it. If it was important to them then yes, I'd be sad. I wouldn't be angry though, and I wouldn't take my sadness as a reason not to do it. I'd be sad because I love my DC and I'd much prefer to celebrate with them. Just as I'd be happier to spend Christmases, bank holidays and birthdays with them, even as adults. It doesn't mean that I'd expect it or make a scene, and I'd certainly respect their wishes.

For context, I would love an elopment. I dream of getting married up a mountain in a beautiful Ghost dress followed by a pub lunch, and never telling a soul except my husband and whatever admin forms are needed. In my case I would have to never tell anyone though because my mum really would be devastated. I wouldn't tell her in advance because I know she'd spend the day sobbing.

I must admit it seems attention seeking to tell them in advance, like you want the build up shared without sharing the actual wedding. I'm with your DP, the point of an elopment is you just get on with it and announce after.

Call your parents from wherever you are the day before.

Absolutely not. What is there to be upset about?

I think you know that if you tell your parents before hand that you won’t be “allowed to elope alone . .

If people already know your wishes and are pestering you already then that shows what they expect .
This isn’t about anyone else though is it .
If you want your parents there then tell then , if not then elope alone as you and dh to be have planned all along .

Because in modern day eloping doesn’t mean just running off to Gretna Green without telling anyone. Times have changed and that word has much more flexible meaning.

https://simplyeloped.com/blog/modern-elope-definition-before-vs-now/#:~:text=them%20getting%20married.-,The%20Modern%20Elope%20Definition,do%20on%20their%20special%20day.

I eloped and both our families were completely fine. My parents did say though that if we had invited anyone but them (like my BIL to be a witness) it would really have upset them. As it was just us, everyone was really pleased for us, and we had a small reception party/drinks at home to celebrate after.

This is the strange bit and I'm not sure why more people aren't focussing on it....

Getting engaged is telling everyone you are going to get married, so once you have done this, it is impossible to elope ... Why did you not keep the engagement secret? You could have then eloped with no one knowing ... all you are now doing is having a private wedding....

And yes, I as a mother would be very sad not to be part of the celebration of getting married... I wouldn't need to be there (but would hope my DD would want me to be)... but would love to be part of the build up and planning. It is a huge thing to hold back from someone you love and supposedly want a close relationship with.

Totally agree with previous poster:
Getting engaged but secretly eloping is a bit contradictory.

Now that everyone knows you intend to get married, I’d say to them you’re going to have a private wedding abroad at some point.

I wouldn't tell my parents exactly because they'd come up with crap like this. "I think you should do it this way, even though that's not what you actually want".

No, on the contrary, I'd be delighted! Provided, the groom is a good, decent man and my daughter is happy. I personally don't see the point in weddings (not the marriage, but weddings). And I really wouldn't care that I'm not there to 'witness' it, I'd be completely fine with being told afterwards.

I eloped. My dad and brother were happy for me and perfectly fine with it. Mother was furious, but I couldn't care less, since she's partially the reason for my elopement. She's a -zilla type, very controlling (doesn't work on me), my way or the highway type of person and a showoff. She would have wanted the whole overblown shebang, a castle wedding with the whole clan present (about 150-200 people just from our side + groom's), entertainers, doves, fireworks, that sort of shit. Obviously I'd rather scratch my eyes with my own hands than that, so it was just easier to elope and let her rage on her own.

If you think your folks will be upset, then I'd not want that to be something I had to deal with straight from honeymoon. Its an overly dramatic and potentially upsetting start to a marriage that I'd rather avoid just by telling them in advance. Tell them the day before you go so there's no time for interference. And if your partner wants to keep it a secret from his folks, that's up to him.

I would be very upset if my child did this and would want to know what I had done to offend them so much that they don't want me to see them get married (even if it's just a 5 min registry office job).

You tell your people and swear them to secrecy. He doesn't tell his.

Not the same but DH and I were married with immediate family and didn't tell anyone else until it was over. There were lots of family dynamics involved with extended family and we thought it would be easier.
Lots of family weren't impressed but we had the people we wanted there.

It entirely depends on your parents and your relationship with them. You say in your OP that they'll be "deeply upset" if you elope, so I think that's probably your answer?

Me and DH eloped and didn't tell anyone. My parents were fine with it, because we knew they would be. ILs were a bit annoyed about it, mainly MIL because it took away her ability to control the wedding. But they soon got over it. The person who was most pissed off was SIL because "it was supposed to be the year she was getting married" (5 months later 🙄)

Don't regret it one bit though. Our wedding day was perfect. We knew we wouldn't enjoy a traditional wedding, and it saved us loads of money too.

If it was my child, I'd possibly feel upset initially, but would never let it show. Long term, i know that whatever they want would be fine with me , genuinely.

DH and I had a gorgeous registry office ceremony (some of the registry offices are lovely old buildings and they go to a lot of effort to make it a nice ceremony) and lovely meal at a nice restaurant afterwards, we had 15 people there. I was so so happy with it. All the people I loved were there, everyone got to share our celebration, it was a special special day. Consider something like this?

OP has already explained why that won't work, due to the large extended family dynamics.

To be honest, if you actually like your family, you will be pretty disappointed with eloping and your parents will be sad. The whole point of eloping is to escape relatives you don't like or various pressures for a white wedding. I can't imagine anything more boring than saying our vows then just carrying on as normal. The whole point of these things is to celebrate!

It's not big expensive white wedding vs nothing.

DH and I had a gorgeous registry office ceremony (some of the registry offices are lovely old buildings and they go to a lot of effort to make it a nice ceremony) and lovely meal at a nice restaurant afterwards, we had 15 people there. I was so so happy with it. All the people I loved were there, everyone got to share our celebration, it was a special special day. Consider something like this?

I totally get that, and you will note that I didn't say anything about me wanting to be the center of attention. I said that I have never dreamed of being in the role of mother of the bride. I truly don't know how I would react if one of my daughters was engaged but then got married without telling me. I assume that if they were engaged I would have had at least one conversation with them about their plans for the wedding, so hopefully it wouldn't be a complete surprise!