Would you be mad if your child eloped?

Would I be hurt? No. Not my wedding, not my decision.

You should do what's right for you, period.

My mum laughed and said she thought I'd done it years before! My ever so proper grandmother also laughed like a drain apparently, though she was in a home and medicated by that point. We had a big party afterwards. My dad made a lovely speech. It was all fine, though I was nervous telling my parents!

I got married abroad, Las Vegas 🤪. We told both sets of parents and to be honest mine never expected me to have a church wedding or wear a traditional wedding dress, bit of a Tom boy.

At the end of the day I think you should do what’s good for you, and not have the pressure of pleasing everyone else, plus it costs a fortune.

We thoroughly enjoyed our ceremony in The Little White Chapel, not for everyone I know, the whole event was just for us and an absolute hoot, we had the honeymoon in California, San Diego, which is absolutely beautiful.

My daughter is 28 and god forbid she marries the muppet she lives with, but if she does I have no problem if she wants to bob off somewhere on their own.

I think I would be upset. Not if they wanted to elope, that’s fine and their wedding their choice but to not tell us that would hurt!

I didn't elope but had a very small wedding, only the 2 of us and 2 friends.

I'd been through the whole "white wedding " first time and really experienced some diabolical behaviour from my parents.

My partner hadn't been married before but had a previous relationship where the ex was still extremely involved with the family, despite some very challenging behaviour. My , now MIL, invited her to everything, mentioned her at every opportunity and would have been insisting that she was invited as she was now "a friend ".

We both knew there would be pain and nonsense, so we just booked the registry office, had a lovely ceremony and beautiful day, and then went off on holiday. Been happily married for 15 years.

I now have a great relationship with my MIL. It's a shame she put the ex first for so long, but she did and eventually saw the issues for herself.

Both MIL and parents were unhappy at the time but neither could acknowledge their behaviour meant we couldn't do it their way. It just wasn't the right time for them.

Everyone knew in advance, they were welcome to their reactions in private, but on the day I was so happy.

I'd be relieved....I hate weddings!

This!

It seems that most would want to know it was going to happen. I really seem an outlier having a very strong preference to be told after the fact, when dwelling on what I'm going to miss isn't a possibility.

But I'm a fairly private person, so I understand and respect my kids having their privacy too.

Also I suspect I'd feel slightly differently depending on where their wedding was. If they got married on a foreign holiday I'd cope with any mild disappointment very easily. Because I wouldn't be on their holiday anyway.
If they'd got married at the local registry office, I might feel differently. Because could have been there, in a practical sense. So leaving me out would seem more deliberate.

For me it wouldn’t be the elopement, it would be the not telling me they were planning to elope part.

I’d be sad not to see them get married but I can accept that they might want it to be just the two of them etc. I’d be hurt to find out we weren’t close enough for them to tell me they were even considering it though. I wouldn’t have an argument about it or anything, I’d just feel a bit sad and small.

Why though?

And what would your reaction be when she told you?

I have 6 kids and of course if any of them marry I would love to be there but ultimately, its their day and their choice. I know that my eldest DD is very likely to elope if she marries her partner. He has ASD and hates being the centre of attention, hates loud parties etc. ETA she is a very low fuss kind of person and very practical. She would hate the idea of spending thousands on a big wedding when it could do something far better for their lives. They would go, get married and that would be it, no party or anything.

His mother would hit the roof. I would not. I would be sad I couldnt have seen it but I love my daughter and her happiness is more important than mine.

I wouldn’t be mad - I’d be utterly broken hearted.

I only have one dd, I'd be upset if she did this.

@5foot5 you can be important in your DDs life without having to witness a marriage, if she doesn't want an event of any sort. It's got nothing to do with your importance or otherwise.

I realise that, and I think that my mother would have been gutted if my sister and I had done this, but she would have kept her feelings to herself or at least, said it in such a way as to communicate her hurt without nastiness.

I was only referring to the OP's mother. I think that either way they do it will cause a massive tantrum but crucially, one will happen AFTER they have had the wedding they want and therefore they will have the memories of such a special day. The other will happen before and could potentially taint it with emotional blackmail, outburst, possibly nasty messages etc sent on the day to try and spoil it......

Personally I would let the tantrum wait until afterwards.

The question is should they tell before eloping, or not.

They've already decided to elope - and I don't blame them

We eloped so no, wouldn't mind if any of the kids did.

Well I wouldnt mind, would secretly be relieved to b e honest, but then I am not an attention seeking drama queen who thinks everything should be about me

There's a fair amount of space between not minding and being an attention seeking drama queen.

I'm sure that there are a lot of people who'd be sad or would mind, who are perfectly decent non-attention seeking people who recognise that it's not really about them.

We eloped. Did have a party later. Older relatives were not really pleased, but it wasn't about them. Don't think my mum was really that bothered.We wouldn't have been able to afford a wedding anyway, as buying a house was more important and prices and just rocketed. Been married nearly 20 years, so we're not doing too badly.

The only thing I regret was my dress. I liked it at the time, but I'd have looked fucking amazing in a slinky wedding dress.

There is a compromise to be had here.

Do it DHs way, as long as you have a date and venue booked for the party.

Then you are coming back and saying Surprise! We got married BUT we want to celebrate with you because you're important to us and this is the specific date you can all look forward to and get excited with us and plan for".

It's a lot better than coming back and saying its done but there might be a party at some time (SUBTEXT- if you can be bothered to arrange it now that the important bit is over)

I would be very happy if either DC wanted a wedding abroad without any fuss or guests - although DD is already married
I would prefer to know in advance and help if asked either with money or preparation

If you tell them beforehand they’ll want to be there and you’ll possibly get a lot of grief. If you want to elope then do it in secret deal with the inevitable fall out after.

I think I'd be secretly relieved...dd has been to numerous massive weddings the last couple of years and it just seems to be a big expensive game of one upmanship. The last one they went to was a three day event!

Everyone is different though and I know some of my friends would be devastated.

Well I wouldnt mind, would secretly be relieved to b e honest, but then I am not an attention seeking drama queen who thinks everything should be about me. Having encountered people like your mum OP, I would tell her when you get back, that way she can be as mad as she likes but crucially, you will already have had you perfect wedding day so she cant spoil it. If you tell her beforehand and she reacts badly, you may well feel that is sours the day for you especially if she is sending nasty messages for example.

Been there, done that. Parents seemed fine. We had researched beforehand and advised to hire a photographer to ensure everyone could feel like they'd experienced the day with us. Highly recommend that.

I'd fear that by telling people first, some may express their disappointment which has the potential to sway your plans or at least put a dampener on the eloping. I'd keep quiet.

The only time I saw my wonderful, accepting and laid back MIL upset, is when SIL told her that she and her partner were going to get married at a registry office (in SIL's new home city two hours away) with just a couple of colleagues as witnesses and no-one else.

In the end SIL went with the plan, but agreed to a blessing ceremony followed by a small get together for family and close friends, at MIL and FIL's a week later

But the twist was that SIL confessed afterwards that her mum had been right! In the event, she'd found the register office thing soulless and she and BIL felt deflated afterwards with no-one to celebrate with. They went on to really enjoy the blessing ceremony and party!