Would you be mad if your child eloped?

I’m very close to both my daughters and I would totally support them but be hurt if they didn’t let me know. My eldest has a lovely fiancée who has terrible
anxiety and they will definitely get married quietly and without any of us. I’m fully supportive and it’s way more important that their day is how they want it to be. My youngest is all about the spotlight, my bank account will be praying she elopes and doesn’t need help with the costs 😂

This. I wouldn’t mind if either of moms went on holiday and came back married what a great idea.

Once you reach the right age and want to get married,the Bible talks about that, your children will leave home ,so which ever way you do it, it's going to be upsetting ,your parents also have done that, unless they are still living with mum and dad,which I don't think so, but that's life it's program in our gens ,its time now to lead your own life, and hope you have learnt from your parents. The right and wrong things of life,it's a big step forward.

They will be devastated.
They might want to come with you.
They might try and persuade you out of it.

A friend's fiancé has several anxiety and is shy to the point of shutting down around anyone even his own parents and his ideal of hell is to be in the spotlight. When they got engaged they agreed just the two of them no one else and because of how close they are she told her mum. It didn't go well. She said she would never forgive her, that she would be devastated and has tried every emotional tactic to get them to change their mind.
It's been so horrible.

Only you know your family/his family. If they'd be disappointed but get over it tell them if they'd want to ruin it for you don't. In this instance it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

You’ve answered your own question…
don’t tell her if there’s a risk of her sucking the enjoyment out of it!…

If you call from holiday the night of the wedding would she throw a tantrum and start messaging you? Would she ruin your honeymoon?

And yeah I’d be devastated if my daughter eloped and didn’t even tell me.
Talk to your mum

Sorry @Whattodoab but whether you tell YOUR parents or not is your decision! If he doesn’t want to tell his that’s his choice but telling you you can’t tell yours beforehand is controlling and nasty!

You can have a small wedding at the registry office. I’d be sad not to see DS get married. I’m not bothered about whether he has a big party afterwards. I’m bothered about him having a wedding with a couple of strangers as witnesses when I’d love to be there myself (and yes I’d happily contribute financially).

I would be delighted if my DCs did this.
We had a v low key wedding at the ro ourselves, only a handful of friends, our kids and our childminder invited.
No family. It was fine, no one was mortally upset.

Will they care? If so then why do it?
Not inviting parents to your wedding is a pretty big thing, for some. Not even telling them even bigger.
What are the benefits of keeping them in the dark?

Based on your descriptions of your mothers, there will likely be drama either way.
Best to not say a word until it is all over.
Do not commit to a reception until you see how everything has landed. You may not want that either.

This is what I think too.

Either - you think a wedding is a private thing between the couple, or even just a legal thing - in which case just elope, and you don't need to mention it to anyone.
Or - it is something for family and friends to celebrate with you, in which case invite them to the ceremony.

This "we're running off to get married without anyone, but expect you to celebrate with us and make a fuss even though we haven't involved you" thing I see on MN occasionally doesn't make any sense.

My first wedding was as small as legally allowed in a register office. No guests at all. It lasted less than a year.

My second wedding was the opposite. In a church with 150+ guests with a massive party afterwards. It’s still going strong years later.

Needless to say, I don’t think there is any real correlation between the size of a wedding and its longevity.

I eloped and told my parents beforehand, but they had a very low key registry office wedding themselves back in the 80s and I knew they wouldn't be too fussed.

The people saying they would be devastated if their child eloped should understand that the cost of a wedding has become ridiculous, and unless they are willing to personally pay the £1000s for their child to have a traditional wedding, they should respect their child's decision to do something more sensible with their cash, like saving for a house deposit.

OP I have read all your posts although not the whole thread yet. On the basis of what you've said about your relationship with your mum, I think I agree with your dp that telling them after the wedding, is the way to go.
Personally I wouldn't even tell them the day of the wedding, as you risk her making it about her own feelings and ruining it for you!
You don't want to be under pressure to set up live video of the ceremony, if it's really important to you and your dp to do this just the two of you.

Personally, I think a wedding is an agreement between two people, and is a private commitment and something which is very intimate, so I've never really 'got' the idea of it being a big public thing. To me it's enough that it is legally binding - you don't need that witnessed by everyone.

I wish I'd eloped - my own wedding was somewhat ruined by the expectations and behaviour of my in-laws. I would much much preferred to go away with dh and just do it.

No, not at all. Their wedding, their choice.
I’m their mother and I’ve done my job by bringing them up as best I could. I can now take a much needed back seat and let them make their own choices. I join in when I’m invited.

I am in DHs camp, it’s your wedding and life - not for other to dictate or manipulate how you plan your wedding. In response to Qs about wedding, I would drop very strong hints that there will be no big wedding, and in fact you might just slip off and do it. Lay the ground with parents but you don’t need to tell them anything specific.

I don't see the point in eloping and all that upset and then having a party.

Either Elope or have immediate family wedding & big party.

We eloped, we told family and other people only if they asked. We told everyone who knew the country but not the hotel as we didn’t want any surprise guests 😂
I wouldn’t have changed it for anything! Congratulations and have the BEST time!

Do it how you both want to.
And then maybe have a little celebration when you get back and have a friend oversee some sort of vow renewal, so everyone else can feel like they celebrated it with you.
Have a wonderful time!!

I wouldn't be upset. I'd be happy for them

I would be a little upset but not to the point id hold a grudge or never speak the couple and if it makes them happy so be it their adults its not my job now to tell them what they can and cant do.

One of our group of very close friends eloped 20 years ago. Everyone was hurt. Yes, ppl get over it, but it's it still comes up.

I'm a firm believer in the 'do wahts best for you' view but a wedding ng is bit inky yours and his, in reality. Parents, siblings, close friends and family are also invested and assume they'll b part of your special day.

I don’t think I’d be mad but I would be really upset.