Would you be mad if your child eloped?

Your DP may have one level of relationship with parents and you may have another. Based on your own sensitivity, I would support an "intimation" or a strong hint to your parents (with a promise of secrecy on their part, of course). Elope (to a safe and sunny place), if that's what turns you both on!! Enjoy.

If any relatives make a big deal of it, it's obvious they wanted it to be more about them than you as a couple.

Marriage is about the COUPLE... yet so much stress, expectation, planning, involvement, conflict is forced upon couples from family members who have expectations of how it should be.

Everyone who I've heard has eloped has said it's the best decision they every made.

She’s planning the wedding that she wants, she isn’t planning to have it that way to purposefully upset anyone.

That it will is unfortunate, but that in itself isn’t a reason not to have the wedding they want.

I would be upset, yes.

I am okay with our parents being quietly upset, this is expected and I think it would be unreasonable of us to not expect them to feel some kind of way
This doesn’t sound very kind to me, and quite self-centred. Elope if you want to but why upset people on purpose?

This 100%.
And a wedding doesn’t have to be elopement or £20,000. You can have a lovely small wedding.

*gatecrash!

Your wedding, your way as they say. I wouldn't be mad but I'd be very sad and hurt not to be part of the wedding. I'd try to hide that from my child though.
Unlike a friend of mine who eloped. Her parents never forgave her, brought it up constantly and it has really affected their relationship.

As to whether to tell them before or after... I think I'd find it really painful to hear 'we're going abroad to get married but you're not invited.' If you're going to elope, elope in the true sense of the word. If you do tell them before, don't give exact details as whilst I wouldn't do this, I can imagine some parents would hate crash.

Depends how you handle telling people. My brother did this twice. First time he told us straight after. Second time I found out via a vague acquaintance i met in the chiller aisle at Asda. She knew because her daughter was friends with one of my brothers step children. It was embarrassing because she assumed i knew and it shone a spotlight on my very weird family dynamics.

I'd be grateful they had the saved me the faff of a wedding tbh 😂

Yes I would be gutted if either of my Children did this, I would love nothing more than to see them both marry. Luckily neither of them are selfish enough to do it.

I would be absolutely delighted at not having to go to a wedding or being expected to pay for one.

This is a great way to do it and still let your parents feel valued and included.

This is lovely! I would be really happy for my children, but then I eloped lol. My family were fine with it. It was for us not them. Dh's mum didn't speak to us for a year...

Id probably be upset if I didn’t know it was happening at all, but just because I’d want to hear about your plans for your grand adventure when you were planning it. It sounds like you want to tell your own parents, just say to him it’s important to you that you are able to talk about your plans with your mum & dad so you are going to tell them, then suggest he tells his parents so they don’t feel they were left out later.

I'm really hoping my DS elopes...

I would be upset that I didn't know. However, you need to think about how you would feel at the time you got married if they didn't know. My daughter, went to the USA with her boyfriend and they decided on the spur of the moment to get married there and then in Las Vegas. But when push came to shove they realised they couldn't do it without their parents knowing. So they put it off and did the same thing the next year but with just close family aware. We were able to watch it live online but it wouldn't have mattered. It would have been the not being told that would have been upsetting and hurtful.

I know of 2 couples in my family that did it , you are adults I agree with your husband.

We just went and did it. Like you big family's but we figured it was our day, our money, and ultimately our dream to do it this way so we did.
Was anyone angry yea probably but i don't think anyone has a right to be angry in this situation.

Slightly different, but my sister was going to get hitched with just 2 friends as witnesses and she said me and my mum could meet her for lunch after. I said I'd really like see her and her partner get married. Reading the above replies, maybe I shouldn't! But thankfully she was happy to do so (she genuinely didn't think I'd want to go) and she also invited a few more friends and her and her partner had a lovely day. My brother on the hand will likely do what you're doing and we are all fine with it as we know he'd hate a big wedding (or any wedding, really!). All the family will just be delighted for them when him and his partner do get hitched. I'm sure your family will understand as it's what you want. But if you think they may be upset, follow your gut and tell them your plans. Congratulations!

Nope, I'd not mind. I'd like to know in advance though.

I personally think you should let your parents know, I think that would hurt me as a mum more the not knowing, however how you choose to get married is you choice.

Elope - it is your wedding and nobody else’s.

Don’t tell anybody at all beforehand as the secret will slip out and then people will be upset that X knew but Y didn’t. It also keeps it extra special for you.

You make the call afterwards ‘Mum you are the very first and only person to know this - we just got married. This is a big secret that we are only sharing with you so don’t tell anyone as we have a party planned for X date when we tell everyone else so we want you in on it now.’

Go for it.

I would not mind at all however or where ever my grown up children got married.I would be overjoyed if they just made the commitment. But not my business so must refrain from interfering or commenting.

Based on your updates I agree with your DP. It sounds like you envisage a reaction/drama from your mum either way, so it seems like less hassle to have the drama after the wedding rather than potentially souring the lead-up to it.

If my child told me I’d congratulate them but if they told me after I’d be really sad (but still congratulate) but op the question is how much would it hurt you not to tell them? Because it’s one thing I couldn’t back down on and a wedding is supposed to be something that’s agreed on