Would you be mad if your child eloped?

My only son did this last year and yes I was really upset! I totally understand why he did it but it would have been nice to have known beforehand so that I could have been there in Spirit. Instead he told us when he got home. But he is happy and too me, that is the most important thing. Is all water under the bridge now and there was no lasting damage to our relationship

I had this conversation with my DDs last year - we were talking about them getting married (in the future, they're both late teens at the moment) and all the things they would or wouldn't want to have or do. I concluded that I was very happy to help in any way they want, and would support any choices they made as long as in the case where one decided to elope, they let me know in advance.

I think I would be a bit sad not to be there when my DDs get married, but if I got to have my wedding as I wanted it, and this will be their turn(s). I think you should let your DPs know in advance, as long as you don't think they'll try and gate crash!

Wouldn’t bother me in the least.

My parents did this. My dad’s parents didn’t give a toss, my mum’s were furious (as were two siblings, but the other two stuck up for her and told everyone it was her choice what she did!). I’m of the opinion that it’s your wedding, so do what you want, and everyone else can do one! But I would be aware there may be some backlash - try not to let it influence your opinion of what YOU want to do though. Sending love.

It’s not about the parents though is it? It’s about the bride and groom

Not everyone wants a big celebration

I didn’t and got pressured in to it

if I married again I would elope

my son is 25 if he eloped I would be fine with it, his life his choice

No I wouldn’t mind if my son (25) did this his life his choice

I would be deeply hurt rather than angry, and would struggle to understand it. It wouldn't matter to me whether you told me in advance or not because I would want to be there to watch and celebrate you get married.

This.

I think most mums would be really sad. That said, I don't think they'd be less sad if you warned them ahead of time.

You sound pretty selfish though, your child’s wedding isn’t about you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bu that's all about your own sentimental ideas about wedding dresses and 'joy'. Which is fine, obviously, if you're the one getting married, like trying on dresses, and feel 'joyful' about your wedding. But some women get married in jeans and while they may be happy in their relationship, the actual wedding day may cause them no more emotion than signing any other contract would. Stop projecting.

What if your daughter isn’t into weddings or dresses or any of that stuff though, and you know that she actively didn’t want that? What if she had a small registry office wedding with a handful of guests but wanted to get married in a pink suit from ASOS? Would that still upset you? Ultimately what YOU (or any parent) would choose to do for your own wedding/your kids’ wedding, or whether you want to see your kids in a wedding dress, is irrelevant, because it’s their marriage and their choice, and not everyone wants the traditional faff and everything that involves.

DP should decide on how much info is told to his parents, while you should decide what's best to be told to yours. After all, that's the real relationship that is at risk here.
Also it depends on whether your parents are able to keep the secret. If they are likely to gossip or immediately tell everybody (mainly tell the DP parents) then your parents kinda are to blame from being kept from knowing.

If dp decision on this feels like "my way or the high way" then is this how all decisions will be made for the rest of the marriage?

It isn't about being selfish, it's more selfish to be annoyed.
It's their life our children aren't our possessions they are entitled to their own life and decisions.

If I personally was upset by my dc making this decision and going ahead with it I would be a hypocrite myself.
As I want to do the same thing due to family dynamics, his parents are separate father married ap mother still bitter after 28 years although engaged to her partner of 20 years. We couldn't even have a party with her involved after , she is all about herself it's all mememe with her, she would find a way , so we just never put ourselves in that position, if my sons decided to do this I would be over the moon for them , but my daughter I would want to know beforehand so I could do something special for her personalised from us as our only daughter and it would she something she could take with her , I think girls like to keep mum updated and I would expect my dc to be able to tell us of their decision with the confidence that they would be supported in their decision, so maybe I would be hurt that they didn't fill me in , as we are a very open family , one of our sons got engaged at their baby shower I was invited but I was a godparent the same weekend to my niece , so couldn't make it and he didn't inform me of any importance to the day , I could of made it if I had the heads up it was on my way home, but I had no idea he would be attending, it was all set up by him and her mother so even she didn't give me the heads up, so I was disappointed but not at all angry plus they split a year ago , it is actually a hard one this , if you are close to your parents and let them know do you feel they would be happy for you and not cause drama or do you feel a massive kick off ahead of the news , which decision is easier and more comfortable for yourself, you don't need guilt hanging over you on your special day, it's extremely personal to you and your husband to be , if people can't be happy for you that is on them not you guys, just make sure that you feel comfortable and happy in your decision and congratulations to you both.

My parents eloped because apparently both sets of grandparents were being really overbearing and demanding over a wedding so they just went off, did it and told everyone afterwards.

I’d have happily done the same but DH wanted something slightly bigger. I think weddings should be entirely up to the couple and anyone who thinks otherwise is selfish and should get out more.

I'd have been very disappointed rather than angry. I've been to my children's weddings and they were among the happiest days of my life.

On the other hand I think it’s very selfish to think anyone else’s wedding should be about anyone except the people getting married, it’s exactly this kind of attitude that encourages people to just get married without everyone else’s expectations.

But what if your DD didn’t want that ‘traditional’ wedding experience? What if what your DD wanted was to elope? Would what you wanted for her wedding be more important than what she wanted?

You don’t have to have a bad relationship with a parent to have very different ideas to them.

I think it would be better to tell them a good bit beforehand. It will give them the chance to get used to the idea and hopefully wish you well. Telling them after is nothing but a "fuck you", and it's a bit off to invite them to celebrate it afterward when you didn't even want them to know about it. That isn't a compromise. That is CFery.

From what you have said your mother will probably make it all about her whatever you do. If you marry here or let her know in advance she’ll make a fuss. If you elope she’ll make a fuss afterwards about how upset she is. So go for what works best for you.

Have to say it’s not the elopement itself that would upset me as long as no one else went either…

but I’d be upset about missing out on helping my DD choose a Wedding dress and seeing her in it, about sharing in her joy on the day. … BUT it doesn’t sound like you have a very nice relationship with your parents, seems more like one of tolerance … so in that case I don’t suppose i would care. My brother and his GF live abroad and have children out there… they eloped and only emailed my mum as they boarded the plane telling her they were getting married tomorrow… relations are strained so no one cared.

It depends on what type of parents you have I suppose.

If you have parents that would try and persuade you not to do it then I could understand not telling them.

Personally, I would be happy for my DS to get married however he wanted to, so I hope he would tell me if he was planning to elope as I would completely respect his choice. I think I would be upset if he did it without telling me as I'd like to think he has more trust in me than that.