Would you be mad if your child eloped?

My sister told me her wedding plans, which didn't include me as they were having parents only. I'd rather she'd told me after the event TBH. She felt she was including me. I felt she was excluding me.
OP, I'd not tell your parents in advance.

They don't owe me a wedding and my son has 3 kids and isn't married and that's fine I love my not DIL but if they do get married and do not tell me (and the other parents) I'd feel very disappointed that they either thought nothing of us or that the promise to each other was no more important than what do we eat tonight. I don't expect big weddings, parties or expense but I'd like to know I'm the same way I'd like to know if my child was having an operation....they are always your children.

Good for you 👍

OP, it sounds as if an elopement is your best bet in order to avoid distress cause by DM and MIL. Push and Pull factors seem to feature largely in elopements often with a backstory of avoiding ex partners, difficult parents etc.
The eldest son of a friend went away to get married , just the 2 of them and their 2 children. They came back with photos of the 4 of them. Friend put on a brave face but was devastated. The daughter in law was weird, up her own arse and difficult*.
A shame her social shortcomings denied her new husband’s family the pleasure of seeing them married. My friend told him to ‘grow a pair’
*example: if a visit to son and DIL was arranged for 2 o’clock and they arrived at 1.50/1.55 DIL would not let them in until dead on 2pm. They had to wait in the garden while DIL stood at the window looking at them and tapping on her watch.
tbh I think the son was an idiot to allow his wife to treat his parents like this.
sorry for the derail!

Of course, in theory it is totally up to the B&G, but I too, find it odd when a couple want to cut themselves off in this way, if they haven't previously had good reason to cut themselves off from their family.

Your kids don’t owe you a wedding. It’s one event in their whole lifetime and you’re choosing to put this symbolism on it.

My sister and husband eloped and told no one but their respective adult children who were witnesses.

My mum was upset for about ten minutes then we all went out for a celebratory evening dinner and all was forgiven.

It's your wedding, your life and you are making a new family. Do what you both want.

This reads like they need to be in your thrall until you die. Imo that's not how you bring up kids. You have to let them go.

I hate an elopement not for tradition but as in cutting out the people who sacrificed everything for you as no longer important to you and not worth even telling. It's like saying I'm an adult now fuck you .....I then wonder how many ask for support and help later. Yet the loving parent doesn't voice their hurt and continues like they are happy they were not there and worries about you until their dying day.

Our wedding was indeed all about us. That you consider that to be an ultimate example of selfishness is not my problem, or indeed anyone’s.

IMO a couple absolutely should centre themselves on their wedding day, the one wedding day they anticipate having, and it’s unreasonable for their families to think the wishes of the bride and groom are of lesser importance than their own.

'Their wedding, their choice' is fine. What's often forgotten is the proviso that doesn't seem to occur to those chanting that mantra. You suck up the consequences of that choice. I.e. no children invited, be prepared for parents not to attend. You don't have carte blanche for treating would-be guests poorly ie. pushing off for hours to take pictures or expecting some guests to entertain themselves whilst the others attend an afternoon reception. And this also works in reverse. There is no call to treat couples rudely - even when one half does happen to be your child - because you don't happen to approve of their choice.

The above examples are simply bad manners. Eloping is not because it asks nothing, makes no crazy demands, and places no expectation whatsoever on anyone else.

'Social mores and conventions' are precisely the reason some of us do prefer to elope. When I hear 'tradition', I also hear the ideas and expectations of others dictating how things should be done. I'm not remotely interested in that.

Eloping suited us and we are unrepentant. In fact, DH and I were talking recently about our wedding and agreed that if we could have our time over again, we'd make exactly the same decision.

It’s got nothing to do with the closeness of the relationships with family. Some people simply do not like weddings and the traditions involved, or even find them sexist (the father walking daughter down the aisle for example to “give her away” - many women would say they’re not a possession to be given to anyone). Not everyone wants to marry in this way, even if they don’t elope, many people actively dislike the “tradition” element or prefer to bend and go against social convention rather than obey it.

I’m curious how the people on here who would be hurt by an elopement because they value the tradition side of weddings would feel if their adult child said they hated everything about the tradition of weddings - do you really think they should go against their own values just to please you and wider family?

This. The "it's all about you" argument is surely the ultimate example of selfishness. Nothing is "all about us".

As you say, it's about knowing your family. We've mentioned mums but lots of dads massively look forward to especially walking the daughters down the aisle.

In some families, weddings are not a big deal or just viewed as a personal thing and that makes eloping possible without causing hurt.

It kind of is though. Weddings are traditionally about families and celebrating together. You could argue that it’s selfish to leave your parents out of your plans. I can see both sides though and of course it depends on the people involved and how close the relationships are.

We got married ( almost 30 years ago) abroad, didn’t tell our parents. The only person I told was my sister, just to show her the dress/shoes!
We had booked a holiday to Greece and decided to get married in the local registry office, we organised it a couple of months before we left.
My parents took it very well, my dad paid for a meal in a local hotel a month or so afterwards, typically my mother in law, although at the time seemed happy enough, started to say in years since- how upset she was, she wanted a traditional wedding for all her kids🙄
Wouldn’t mind but she’s not that religious, my parents were Catholic, still nothing makes her happy, if we had had the traditional wedding, she’d moan about the cost, fuss , like she has done with all her grandkids weddings.
Its your life, your choice, there’s always people that moan, who cares, do what makes you happy 💖

I’m afraid that I, as a mum, would be a bit upset. We’re a family of extroverts that love weddings though. I wouldn’t fall out with them over it, and of course would be happy for them, but I would definitely feel hurt. I lost my mum before getting married and would have given anything to have her there so perhaps that colours my view.

Only you know your families. I have friends who eloped and don’t regret it at all. Not everyone (especially on here) loves weddings.

Nope. They have done their wedding their way. Happy for them

She said ‘ I would love nothing more to see them both married’ - nothing about the way she wants it regardless of what said wants for their own wedding.

Not really. How is wanting someone else’s wedding, even if it is your child’s, to be the way you want it regardless of what said child wants for their own wedding, not selfish?

Pretty selfish?
What a ridiculous inference.

i don’t 100% agree with ‘their wedding, their choice.’ A wedding is a rite of passage which most friends and families want to attend and celebrate. Frankly, I find it odd when a couple want to cut themselves off in this way.
Would they not tell friends and family if they were very ill,had an accident, had a baby?
There are however understandable situations like the OPs difficult mother. Also, I don’t think couples should be bullied into having the kind of wedding they don’t want.
But to marry in isolation? It goes against all normal social mores and conventions.

Well, my DH and I got married just the two of us. My only regret was not eloping. We told family beforehand, my family and friends were absolutely fine, his family went ballistic, ruined our entire engagement, spoiled the first couple of years of our marriage, and we ended up going NC with them & his parents have never met our children. It's really shitty.

Honestly though, they'd likely have reacted the same if we'd eloped, but at least we wouldn't have had our engagement ruined, so would have been one less thing they spoiled.

You're never going to know how they'll take it until you do it, so really it's up to you both to make your decision, it really could go either way.

I totally agree. My DD didn't tell me, I'm glad she didn't. I didn't have time to dwell on it. She just turned up - married. It was the right thing for them, and we do have a very good relationship.

I must confess if my DS was planning to elope I would appreciate it if he told me that was the plan. I would be ok with not being there (assuming his partners family were also excluded) but I’d like to know that they were goi g away to get married.

All families are different though and it sounds as if it would be less hassle if yours were not forewarned

So am I the only one who'd rather not know before they did it?

Seriously, if I knew before, however much I appreciated it being their choice, understood why, and would say so, I'd dwell on what was happening and what I was missing out on, on the day.
But if my DD and her partner arrived back after a holiday and said 'by the way, we got married' I'd just be thrilled with the suprise and not worry about having missed out at all, as it's all done and dusted.