Would you be mad if your child eloped?

The house is in joint names because they had twins and his salary was higher he pays all bills and puts all his earnings in a joint account. He's assigned her his life insurance and pensions and so she has money of her own he cares for the children one evening a week and at least one day a weekend sometimes both so she can work he works from 6am to 4.30 pm and when home gets stuck in with children/dinner etc also building an extension on their two bed himself. I work with children 4 days a week and do their childcare one. Obviously once the children go full time in September life gets easier for them and they will get more weekends ....if he's not on call which can be overnight or weekends. They both work hard and will marry one day I'm sure in 11 years he's helped her retrain paying for courses so she could follow her dreams but twins have delayed it.
Not all men are bastard's

I would be delighted if my DC did this, but I know that my own mum would have been devastated and taken it personally, so depends on the people involved I suppose.

"I totally respect my son not wishing to marry they have been together for 11 years with 3 children he doesn't feel now is the time my NDIL would like to get married that's for them to decide."

Tbh, I'd be far more upset about this than my dc eloping. I hope your not dil has good financial protection of her own and isn't reliant on the man who thinks she's good enough to have his babies but not to marry!

@Tuliptimes my sympathies. I wish I'd eloped - my mil had a tantrum on the day, my fil refused to travel and collect his aunt (as agreed) because they'd fallen out, so dh had to drive hours away and do it, when I really needed him to help me with preparations. His aunt didn't even like me!

I totally agree with this! It still hurts me when I look back how little my in-laws took into account what DH and I wanted when they slowly took our wedding arrangements out of our hands, invited people who we had specifically said we didn't want there, told us we couldn't have our friend's kids there but then on the day we saw that their friends and relatives had brought kids and on and on. It was just so disrespectful and hurtful and yes, in my view, extremely selfish.

We on purpose don't look at wedding photographs and avoid any discussions about weddings because my DH knows I will get upset remembering ours and he feels guilty now about letting his parents take over the day and not being able to stand up to them and say this isn't what we want. The thing is, this was one day for them and they got what they wanted out of it, they do have other kids though, for us this was meant to be the one day we remembered and they ruined it for us.

I have vivid memories of us standing at the bar at the back of the room while his mother took over the dance floor with her friends and his dad going around shaking hands with all his friends who we had barely even met and just thinking this isn't about us at all is it? It's all about them. To the point where we felt like they barely even noticed we were there at times. They never once asked us what we wanted, they just kept on doing things and when we questioned it was like 'this is what everyone does, you have to have this, everyone expects it. We can't not invite this person, we went to their kid's wedding and then if we invite them we have to invite...'

I would never, ever want to put my DD through this and have that be the day she's supposed to remember for the rest of her life.

Yep your one of those

I’d be heartbroken, but not mad.

I'd be quietly disappointed if my dd opted to get married with out us there. But I'd be very hurt if she didn't tell me.

I'd tell your mum but maybe a day or two before.

Dp does what he thinks best.

I don't understand why anyone would feel they deserve to dictate their adult child's life choices. It's completely out of order to impose your own weird expectations on other people. Just do what you want to do and don't give it another thought.

What purpose would telling your parents have? Either they will be happy for you - in which case, they’ll be happy for you when you tell them after the event. Or they will guilt trip you and put pressure on you to change your plans.
If you really want a wedding with just the two of you, do it, and then tell your parents first.

She didn't say all, she said most.

Because the only way that a parent can be ‘paid back’ for help freely offered (or apparently not free as far as you’re concerned - with strings attached) is to have their wishes prioritised over their own child’s, at their own child’s wedding. Fucking hell.

Incidentally, children are indeed entitled to be cared for by their parents.

and no, not all parents ‘hide their hurt’. The idea is very convenient for your narrative though!

I don't know what most loving parents do tbh, I only have my own experience. And mum has put me in my place before. I suppose we all have our own experiences.

But you took it now, suddenly you won't so I guess you're either making a point to the death/come by sudden riches that means you will never struggle and don't need to use your parents anymore or have fallen out.

Most loving parents never tell their adult children when they feel the actions of their offspring are hurtful they suck it up smile wish you well and carry on helping when asked. Not owing parents anything doesn't mean your parents don't feel hurt when cut out like a carbuncle.

Depends if you want to get entitlement to live somewhere or give it to someone else I guess

I never ask mum for any of that stuff actually. She's given me lots of help and I'm not asking for any more.

I mean, if we didn’t love each other we’d have split up rather than marry to gain the rights to live in the same country wouldn’t we? Marriage isn’t historically a declaration of love though, it’s about ownership and subjugation of women and is a legally binding contract that actually doesn’t have anything to do with love. The religious interpretation doesn’t mean anything to me either as I’m not religious. So I’d rather remove my own eyes with a melon baller than have a wedding or partake in any of the traditional aspects of marriage. None of my feelings on the matter have any connection to my family or my relationship with them. My parents would be welcome to disagree and have their own interpretation of marriage but that doesn’t mean they get to impose their values and opinions on me.

I’d be totally relieved, to be perfectly honest.

So yours is a marriage of convenience no more than for immigration and financial transactions. I would hope that my children do it because they love each other. I totally respect my son not wishing to marry they have been together for 11 years with 3 children he doesn't feel now is the time my NDIL would like to get married that's for them to decide.

Yes, exactly this. And part of the reason we didn't tell anyone other than our witnesses was because I didn't want my mother/SILs inserting their emotions about it all. I get to define the meanings my own marriage has for me, and that is that it's an unexciting legally-useful document which has very little to do with the quality and happiness of my relationship. Other people are obviously equally entitled to weep over their personalised vows and have fleets of flowergirls throwing rose petals, and regard it as the best day of their lives, but if I feel the marriage ceremony itself is a akin to signing a mortgage or insurance contract, then I certainly don't want anyone else infecting it with their ideas about what it 'should' mean or what I 'should' be feeling.

Feeling your wedding is a big deal, or that your wedding is not a big deal are equally valid positions. What is not a valid position is 'I feel that my child's wedding should be a big deal to him/her, therefore I should have been invited'.

for me personally marriage is no more important than what I’m eating for dinner, it was purely procedural so we could live in the same country. I don’t like the institution of marriage or the history or the associated traditions and I don’t see it as the pinnacle of my achievements so I didn’t see it as anything more than signing a contract, and I wouldn’t throw a party if I was getting a mortgage or a new job. It’s absolutely nothing to do with my relationships with my family or not. Having a wedding would’ve gone against all my personal values and beliefs. If you were my mum and knew all this would you really still expect me to have a wedding?!

I actively encourage mine to do it. Saves a fortune and a hell of a lot less hassle.
Wouldnt be remotely bothered

Do you apply it both ways and never ask your parents for any help ..no childcare, no help if you are caught out with power cuts, food shortages, broken down and stranded on road, can't get to hospital etc! Do you bother visiting sending birthday cards etc? Family life is two ways not just being there when I need you keep away when I don't that's what stroppy teenagers expect.

I agree, too. And why have an elopement/ secret wedding then expect people to attend a ‘party’ later? Sorry, but if I can’t come to the ceremony why would I come to the party?
Why exclude all the people who have previously invested so much in your lives?
But the OP has problems with relatives so I can understand the elopement.

Agree totally ....there must be more to it than the crap spouted about money....weddings don't have to be big, in the country, paid for by B&G etc....id happily pay to travel to watch my child married even if it was a day trip then leave them alone...at worst I'd like to know the date and time to think of them and wish them well in my heart.

Thank you. It was.