Would you be mad if your child eloped?

No, they want to elope.
Their wedding, their choice.
While I can emphasise with your feelings, this is one of very few times in life where people get to do what they want, hopefully.

Also no, my opinion is you absolutely don't tell people first. That actually is hurtful, I think, and quite inconsiderate. And also opens the door for a whole lot of ridiculous drama, which is often the reason why people want to elope in the first place - to avoid a lot of fuss.

(Plus it's not actually an elopement if people know about it...)

No, not at all.

We eloped though, so I would say that! 😃

Do all these people saying they’d feel like their kids must not like them/value the relationship if they eloped, or they can’t understand them not wanting to share such an important occasion with family, not understand that

a) not everyone thinks getting married is the most important thing they’ll ever do

b) your own opinions on the importance of marriage/sharing the occasion are irrelevant and
c) the choice to elope is not a reflection of how they feel about their family?

My mum's friend got married in secret (in her 70s!) a few years ago and didn't tell anyone until very recently, after her husband died. When my mum was telling me about it, she said 'I think it was lovely for them. They just went away for the weekend and got married without telling anyone, because they didn't want a fuss - I expect that's what you'll do one day too.'

So yeah, she definitely doesn't mind if DP and I 'elope'. Not that we have any plans to get married - we've been together 21 years without feeling the need to.

DP's mum would definitely be upset though. She wouldn't make a drama of it and probably wouldn't tell us she was upset - she's way too nice for that - but I know she would secretly be hurt.

We didn't tell anyone we'd got married for years afterwards. No one was bothered. Though, to be honest, I wouldn't have done anything differently even if I'd thought they would be. My own desire for a fuss-free wedding with two witnesses is my priority over anyone else's desire to be present in a fascinator because they think it's important. I wouldn't have the slightest patience with 'heartbreak' over a child marrying without parents present.

I wouldn’t be upset at all. I’d be happy, they’re being sensible and saving their money for a house or whatever they felt most important. Weddings are about two people getting married and not about every family and friend thinking they get a say.

We got married just the two of us, we told people a few weeks before we went (they knew we were going on holiday). Our family and friends were over the moon for us. But then they all love us and we love them so why wouldn’t they be happy for us.

If your parents want a wedding, they should have a vow renewal for themselves and leave you be!!

For my DCs and marriage, my only thoughts are that they have chosen a lovely spouse, I don't mind at all about their choice of wedding ceremony.

If they eloped and told me afterwards. I'd offer to arrange a meal or party for family and friends, if they'd like that.

I’d only be heartbroken if I knew it wasn’t what she wanted.

My sister eloped under massive pressure from her husband, but she desperately wanted our Nana (who brought us up) there. My Nana was heartbroken because she knew it wasn’t what my sister wanted.

I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if one of my DDs elopes. She hates fuss, hates any attention and her partner is the same.

You know your own parents, and you have already said they would be 'deeply upset'. What anyone else says on here is irrelevant. If you know your parents will be upset, and you don't want to be responsible for upsetting them, then tell them first. I would be really upset if my children excluded me from a major milestone in their lives, and whilst I'd hide my feelings, I would always think that maybe we weren't as close as I thought we were.

Just do it. If you tell them before, you could still get complaints/grief/attempts to change your mind. And that could cast a cloud over your wedding. At least if nobody knows until you're back, it will be too late for them to spoil the wedding.

My daughter eloped to Gretna Green when she was 35. They already had kids & lived together. They weren't supposed to tell anyone till afterwards. But she was never good at keeping a secret. She asked me to give her a lift one day & wouldn't say where - it was for her final dress fitting. That was the first I knew. With my other daughter I'd been involved in lots of the planning.
I was sad not to see them actually get married but I was sent videos & lots of pics. And they did have a big party a few weeks later, where she wore her wedding dress again.
When my DH & I married 2 years ago our first plan was just to go & get married, then tell everyone. But my youngest DD, who was 13, started talking about our wedding & how she was excited for it, so we changed that plan.

I'd be devastated. Really upset. I can't imagine not sharing such a special occasion with my child.

I’d congratulate them, respect their decision but in all honesty I’d probably feel hurt, and would worry that our relationship hasn’t been good for them.

Yes, I would be hurt. My mum did this. Well, she didn't really elope. She had a small wedding with a few close friends. But I'm her only family and she purposefully didn't tell me they were getting married until a week before meaning it was impossible for me to be there even if she wanted me to be. We are an 8 hour flight from each other and I was coming to stay with her a month later, but she said they intentionally chose that time so I 'wouldn't have to worry about being there'. 🙄

Needless to say, we are NC now. Not because of the wedding, that was 12 years ago now. But because the wedding was one point in time in a series of cruel behaviours stemming from her unhealthy relationship with her now husband. She's similarly cut off a lot of friends (who also weren't invited to the wedding btw).

I was really hurt though at the time. It felt very selfish. I think there is nothing wrong with having a small wedding. But having had a wedding, looking back, I didn't need all the fluff - the flowers, and canapes, and speeches - but it would have felt a bit meaningless if the people closest to me hadn't been there to support us. You can have a holiday any time. You can have a party any time. It's the support and witnessing by people in my life that mattered a lot. The fact my mum didn't want me there for that (but did want some random friends and neighbours who she likely doesn't even keep in touch with anymore) really upset me.

Now that's not to say this is the message you're meaning to send. But I think I would be really open with people about why you want to elope and maybe don't make it a surprise when you get back. I think if she had explained it as just wanting it between the two of them, that would have felt different. It was because it was sold as 'we want to save you the hassle of having to attend' when I really would have wanted to be there, that hurt. I would just be honest with people about why you want it to be just you two and give them another way to celebrate with you.

It’s their life. Hell it would save me some money and possibly family drama.

Live the life you want, have the wedding you want.

It's not about you though is it.

are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I would be disappointed if mine did it, but it's definitely up to them and I wouldn't let them know I was upset in any way

I think my sister might do this - I'd be thrilled for her!

If any member of your family starts doubting your relationship because they couldn't sit in a fancy outfit and hear you say a few words to your partner, they need to get some perspective, and are prioritising what they'd want (attending a wedding) over what you want (a marriage). The marriage between you and your fiancé is what is important - the "wedding" is just a fancy celebration for everyone else!

But the OPs partner strikes me as someone who does want attention because he knows it will be a big shock when they arrive back and tell people. It will shine far more of a spotlight on them than a wedding everyone knows about will.

Not everyone thinks a wedding is the most important event in their life though. It certainly isn’t for me. For some people it’s more of an administrative necessity that they don’t feel the need to involve anyone else in. That’s got nothing to do with how they feel about their family.

Disappointed would be my strongest emotion, but I'd never let them know and be genuinely happy for them too.

I think if it falls into the falling out territory you have to question the relationship with your dc.

You are an adult op, old enough to buy a house, have children and have the wedding/marriage you want.

I'd be happy they were happy. I would only be upset if they included others and not me, or if I wasn't one of the first to know after the event.

I told my parents, but we didn't tell my DHs parents.

I'm an only child and my parents knew it was what was right for me, if I 'had' to have a traditional wedding we'd never have married.

Phoned DHs parents after the ceremony, they were happy for us.

No. Your wedding, crack on.