Would you be mad if your child eloped?

It feels like you are eloping to avoid a big family gathering at least on your DH’s side which is fine but don’t tell that you are going to celebrate with them later. This promise sounds like some of this engagements which last tens of years…
I would be upset. What’s wrong with registry office and lunch afterwards and then going away to your honeymoon country?
If you got married on a spur of the moment - visited Vegas for fun and suddenly decided to get married, - I would be ok. But this plan of yours looks like you were deliberately planned not to include nearest and dearest and it would upset me as your Mum.

I agree with almost all of your post @5foot5 . But I think this is unnecessary...
so whether or not the cool people on here say they wouldn't give a fig if their DC did this...

I'm not remotely cool. But I know my daughter, and I know that she and her partner would hate the stress of planning a big wedding, and don't like being the centre of attention. So me recognising that and saying that I'd be happy for them and would hide any tiny bit of disappointment, is not me 'being cool ', it's me loving my DD and recognising what's best for them.

Consequently I'm more concerned about what OP wants. And it doesn't seem to be what her partner is pushing for. She knows her parents, just as I know my daughter. So she's the only one who can make an informed choice.

At the end of the day, you had YOUR wedding. This one is theirs.

I'd have eloped but DH didn't want to so we had a small wedding instead. If any of my DC eloped I'd be happy they did what they made them happy. I'd be heartbroken if I thought they'd feel the pressure to have a wedding they didn't want, and spend money on something they didn't want just to keep me happy. I'd be upset they'd feel the need to please me/worry about upsetting me, and I would hate them to put their own feelings second to mine over their own wedding.

Edited just to add if you think your family will be upset and telling them beforehand would help then I think you should. Because if you're worrying about their reaction afterwards, will you truly enjoy it?

No. I wouldn't be angry. My adult children are free to plan the wedding they want, including two witnesses off the street if they prefer. I don't see my kids' possible weddings as opportunities for myself to swan around or show off. My life is more interesting than that, I like to think.

I’d have mixed feelings, I’d be pleased they had done what they wanted and not spent a fortune on it, but I’d be sad to have missed such an important milestone in their lives, and honestly a bit hurt that they didn’t want to share it.

I’d probably be more hurt if I found out after then before.

Having said that I’d plaster a smile on, congratulate them and offer to throw them a party.

Exactly. She wants to tell them. So she should.

I think it's funny that people don't see the irony of trying to make the couple's personal vows all about them. It's not going to be your marriage. You can appreciate it when people choose to include you on the day, but demanding that you be included and making out that it's selfish if the couple decides to do something else is...well...making it all about you.

This is very observant. And he has already said they will have a party when they get back, so it is not as if he is the shy retiring type.

It sounds as though the OP knows her parents will be upset:

On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing,

and

there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

so whether or not the cool people on here say they wouldn't give a fig if their DC did this is irrelevant. The OP knows her parents would be hurt. In this case the partners casual attitude to other peoples feelings:

DP said they’ll get over it

sounds a bit worryingly selfish to me.

OP, if you really do think your parents would be genuinely upset about this I think you have to do what you feel is right. If you don't it could potentially spoil your enjoyment of it with guilty feelings.

FWIW I would be very upset if my DD did this. A very small affair without much fuss I could live with. But being kept in the dark completely would hurt.

We have several days notice of our child getting married abroad, we were shocked but understood as an adult ultimately it was their choice. Instead we took them out for a lovely meal when they got back. Asa parent I think you have to take the view that as long as they are happy that is the main thing

I'm old too, and I don't see younger people that way at all. It sounds as though you're the one making it all about yourself.

I would respect it, but would want to know before they went and where they were going

I would be bloody delighted, but I rather enjoy people doing slightly outré things. (And, indeed, doing them myself.)

I am not married or bothered about being married so I wouldn't mind. I think it probably would be nice to know especially if there was something sentimental they would like to pass along (I don't have heirloom rings or anything but maybe others would) and to think of you on the day and maybe offer something like paying for something to support the day.

My husband and I are from different countries and we got married in denmark. My family could have possibly afforded to come at a stretch but his family definitely couldn't have. The flights are much more expensive from where they are. We decided to get married as just the two of us because we didn't feel it would be fair to have only one side of our families there.

Neither of our families were upset and they were very happy for us! We did hire a professional photographer though, which I would definitely recommend so family can see and you can have the memories saved.

I'd be upset at first BUT I would understand.

If you aren't telling them at all it might be lovely to video call them straight after ??

My personal opinion would be that I would be upset. I would feel as if they didn't trust me enough to be part of that part of their life. However I am old and realise that for many younger people now it is " all about them" and to hell with anyone else.

Yes this.

I'd be proud of them for doing what they want and not succumbing to the pressures of having the massive, expensive day. It's their choice.

But I would be sad to not see them get married. But would keep it to myself.

You know your parents best, and much more than your partner. If your gut is telling you to tell them before you go, then I think you should. He can decide for his parents himself.

Equally, though why is your partners desire for full elopement more important than your feelings?

This

For some people it's the marriage that is the most important thing and the wedding itself is just the means to do that.

I think it's beautiful when people have the day just to themselves without all the fuss. Heck of a lot cheaper and a lot less stressful. I'm really surprised that some parents would read so much into it.

We eloped and didn’t tell anyone. I knew my mother would be livid and try and talk me out of it. So we didn’t tell a soul. I don’t regret it for a second. We had the wedding WE wanted. They got over it when we told them after the fact.
If I were you I wouldn’t tell them, just go and do it. They’ll only spoil it for you by being upset or angry

I would be a bit upset. Though the shoe is on the other foot this year and dd said she would have been really unhappy if I had chosen to elope for my wedding this year, as it is we are having a fairly low key wedding in the U.K. costing around £5k it seems all in.

My kids have had different types of weddings. The small ones were nicest to be fair.

I think not knowing might hurt a bit, but I wouldn’t have an issue at not being there if that’s how they’d like it.

I’d be pissed off and upset.

A quiet wedding with no guests is one thing. Planning a wedding for a year and keeping it secret is another. Getting engaged and telling people, then lying about your wedding plans (which will be inevitable if you speak for than half a dozen times in the next year) and lying about your holiday - “any plans when you are away?” - “no, not really, just relaxing and a bit of site seeing” - is the bit that would upset me. I’m not fussed about being at anyone’s wedding, they can do what they like, but I am fussed about being deliberately kept in the dark either like I’m so insignificant I’m not worth telling or I’m so awful and overbearing I would have spoilt it for you. Tbh I don’t think I’d be bothered about an actual elopement, in fact I know I wouldn’t be, but telling me your getting married, planning it for a fucking year and lying to me when I ask - I’m not ok with that.

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