Would you be mad if your child eloped?

It really isn't. It's more like signing a mortgage contract without asking your parents to witness it

We eloped and 6 years later MIL is still sulking about it - she keeps asking when we're going to have a 'proper wedding'. She's a difficult woman and sulks about everything.

My feeling is that if you're not paying for the wedding then you don't have any say in how / when it happens.

With the cost of living and the expenses associated with weddings anyone who complains about the lack of a traditional wedding really needs to get over themselves.

I'd be a massive hypocrite, because we eloped. We have awkward parents (I couldn't have mine in the same room, DH's won't travel further than their town) so we pleased ourselves.

This is what I hate about most weddings. They're just a big party for the benefit of others.

If I ever get married it'll be on a tropical beach.

It’s a bit like having a baby without telling your parents.

I would be a bit hurt but I would smile and tell them how happy I was for them and not let them know how I felt

I'd be absolutely delighted for her and not in the least bit surprised.

Both my brother and sis did this. Parents were ok with this although DM did say she would like to have known beforehand. Maybe just let your parents know and arrange to have a nice dinner with just them when you get home so they don't feel completely left out. BTW I would have loved to do this too and wish more people who choose to get married abroad would take this approach rather than drag all the family away with them at huge expense.

As opposed to those around them thinking it’s all about what they would like, rather than what the actual couple getting married want? Lol. Tbh from reading a lot of threads about weddings on here it genuinely seems like some posters think what the couple getting married want shouldn’t even be a consideration.

We eloped and it was great, exactly what we wanted. My parents were not at all surprised or upset about it, and I know them well enough to believe they weren’t hiding any deeper feelings. Same for my in laws. My best friend also recently eloped and I’m thrilled for them, they had exactly the day they wanted too, and it’s something they’ll look back on happily.

Interesting that so many people would want to be told beforehand.

Ultimately, for me, I want my daughters to have the sort of marriage ceremony they truly want - happy, relaxed, without stress or angst, and if they would rather do it alone mumsnet style with random witnesses, alone with friends, alone with siblings, whatever, I'm very happy for them to do so.

I think a lot of people choose to involve no one because maybe for whatever reason they can't or don't want to involve one or more parent(s) and it's more hurtful to exclude one side or one person, etc etc.

We did it because it was going to be impossible to get everyone together so we decided it was best to do it for ourselves and that way no one felt hurt that they had been left out when others had been included.

I’d cry. But I wouldn’t be angry, I’d just be really sad they didn’t tell me.

One of my friends eloped and didn’t tell her parents first when we were at university. It always struck me as such a very pointed unkindness and I never felt the same about her afterwards.

If my child eloped I would be gutted. I wouldn't be bothered about the wedding ceremony, the dress fittings the afterparty and all of the other hoohah that goes with a 'traditional' wedding but I would be bothered by the fact that I wasn't able to share in their happiness. Why not just tell them that this is what you are doing? If they know you well then they should understand that this what you want, but at least they can still be part of your joy.

Mad? No.
A bit sad and disappointed? Yes, probably. But I’d not put that on them and would be supportive and happy.

we got married abroad and initially were planning on eloping but eventually decided we’d feel a bit sad so invited parents and siblings…. It ended up expanding to 19 people! Not our original plan but it was low key and fun.

Hard to say. I’d probably be a little sad that I’d missed it but beyond that, it’s fine. I’d have definitely eloped with hindsight, gone off to another country and just done it. I’m embarrassed about the ridiculous sum of money we spent on our wedding.

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter it's NOT about "swanning around" or "showing off" ffs jeez

None of my business ultimately.

I would want to know first and would not have done this to our parents, extended family fine but not our parents

Depends what kind of relationship you have. My parents would have been upset but understood- I think they would have preferred to know beforehand though.
DH's parents probably wouldn't have been that bothered!
If it was my DDs I would be disappointed but wouldn't be annoyed if that's what they wanted

One of my DBs got married without telling anyone until the following day. He didn't actually 'elope' - just went to the local registry office with 2 witnesses and to the pub for lunch afterwards. This was over 30 years ago! It didn't go down well with my DM, but my DF just shrugged and said, "It saved me having to buy your mother a new outfit".
When I got engaged about 3 years later, my DF jokingly said he'd give us £500 if we eloped! My DM replied " we've already had one wedding like that and we're not having another!" So I don't think she ever really forgave DB in her heart of hearts but she never actually showed that to them.

I would be upset if my adult child got married and didn’t tell me until after it had happened.

Have a think about this OP.

Why on earth would you assume that the only reason a parent would be upset was because they wanted to "swan about and show off"? How shallow do you think people are?

Personally I am more the shy, retiring type and found being the centre of attention at my own wedding a bit of an ordeal. If my DD chose a tiny wedding with no fuss I would still be delighted for her. But if she chose for us not to be there or even not to tell us then, yes, I would be hurt. Not because of any ridiculous desire to dress up and "swan about" but because of the implication that we were so unimportant in our DDs life that she didn't want to include us in such an important event.

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. Both sides made our wedding all about them, and it was a really depressing day, although it's been a long and happy marriage. I've always told my children to do exactly what they want and include or not include anyone they want.
As it happens, out son is getting married this weekend. They were planning on doing it completely privately with just them and their children but decided at the last minute they would like both sets of parents there, so that's what we're doing.
I'm delighted to be going because that's what they want. I would have been equally delighted to have heard about it later if that's what they would have preferred. It wouldn't have occurred to me to feel that somehow my relationship with my son wasn't as good as I thought it was. All I would have thought was that he and his fiancée wanted to do things their own way.
For me, I know my son is happy, which makes me happy, and I'm getting a delightful daughter-in-law. What's not to like?

His rather flippant "they'll get over it" smacks of someone rather self absorbed and not terribly caring. These are his inlaws that he'll have to get along with for hopefully a very long time!

Yep. He's showing previous little empathy or concern for anyone other than himself.

Good point.

His rather flippant "they'll get over it" smacks of someone rather self absorbed and not terribly caring. These are his inlaws that he'll have to get along with for hopefully a very long time!