Would you be mad if your child eloped?

I would be relieved.
I am secretly nervous they’ll have some sort of big fancy wedding and I’ll be forced to grin and bear it (and dress up and be in photos etc).

My DD and fiance eloped a couple of years ago. A lot were shocked but they stood by their own wishes. They had a traditional evening reception a couple of weeks later and they wore their wedding outfits.

Telling everyone and being firm was definitely the way forward.

We eloped.
MIL was annoyed at first, but got over it when she realised she was able to tell everyone the news before us! We didn’t want her to, but she did to spite us and for a bit of control back I think.
What I wasn’t expecting was I lost 2 friends over it. They were good friends that I’d had for almost 20 years. I saw one of them 2 weeks before we eloped. I didn’t tell them we were eloping and told them when we got back . It ruined the friendships. I think I had inadvertently made them feel not important enough to know, even though nobody else knew either.
So, it can cause problems. But other people do it and everyone is fine about it. So you never know.
If my DC eloped when they were older I would be happy for them, I would be a hypocrite if I wasn’t.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. In fact i'd be delighted. Call me miserable but I think weddings are overrated, outdated, lead to arguments and people falling out with each other, and that's before you get to the ridiculous amount of money spent on these things. I would far rather the money was spent on making a nice home and being able to live comfortably. I've nothing against marriage (or weddings if you can justify all the hassle and expense) but these days they are so over the top and 'must have'.
So no , I wouldn't be upset or disappointed. I think I would be proud.

My cousin eloped,my dad is forever ranting about how could anyone possibly to that to their own mother and said he would be devastated if I even considered it

@Aquamarine1029
I am giving a perspective based on my relationship with my dc and how I think I'd feel. I didn't say I'd make a song and dance of it. I would be heartbroken but if I knew my dc was happy I'd give my blessing (then go and cry on my own 😭).

The op's update gives more information and it's clear she doesn't have that great a relationship with her parents, so it's probably not going to be a huge shock to them.

From what you have said both your parents are going to be mad and make it all about them anyway.

you could video call them from the holiday and go ‘oooooo! Guess what we’ve just done ! So crazy’ and by the time you have got back they’ll be over it or still chuntering on.

I'd think it was lovely and romantic. I wouldn't mind having a little house party or going out for a meal with close family to celebrate when they got back though, to sort of share our happiness for them.

I’ve mentioned this in passing as a possibility for me and my (very long term) DP, if we can ever be bothered to get around to organising anything, and my DPs are both perfectly fine with the idea. Both think it’s a great idea, and I’m pretty sure would prefer not to have the hassle of a wedding to help plan and attend. You both know your parents best though, so it’s for you to assess. I’d hope that ultimately both sets of parents were just happy for you both if that is what you ended up doing.

I've told both my children I don't care who else is at their weddings should they have them but I would be very upset if parents are not included even if it's a legal registry office and they go off on their own to a beach or something.
As a parent I've supported my children through everything good and bad if they hated me so much they didn't want me or their dad at the most important step of their lives It would feel like a slap in the face.

We told our families beforehand and they more or less insisted to come along (was in the UK). So just be warned. In fact, my in laws made a massive drama over it... and this coupled with a few other things means we no longer speak to some of them.

I would say to please yourself, honestly. If people can't be happy for you and have to make it about them... that's their problem.

I eloped. Didn't tell anyone first. My parents weren't upset - they were just relieved they didn't have to pay for my wedding. My husband's parents were more upset, but I didn't know that at the time, he assured me they'd be fine and I hadn't really met them (he's not close with them) so took his word.

TBH we both chose to elope because we didn't want our parents at the wedding. I have a complicated family situation, narcissistic parents, a father and stepfather who hated each other and couldn't be trusted not to ruin my wedding day, and also, none of them are particularly arsed about me tbh. I couldn't face having them there, or having to deal with who was paying for stuff, and then having a wedding that I wouldn't have particularly wanted anyway as never had the big white dress fantasy etc, so just avoided the lot by running off to Las Vegas. I still don't regret a thing.

That's not what everyone wants though. It's their wedding they shouldn't have to put on a show to please their family.

Some friends of mine got married abroad. Told their DC who 2 teens and 1 10 they were going on holiday. Got married over there with only their DC in the wedding party. They had put it off for years to save to buy a house.

Currently not getting married because we want to elope and keep it really simple.
But the grief I would get from my mother for having my ideal wedding and not hers probably means we will never marry. Which is sad really.

In your shoes. If you are confident their sulks will not dull it for you then tell them before. If you think it will tell them after!

Parents should be happy if it makes their kids happy to do that. If its an elopement noone is being excluded from anything.

Honestly I think it’s more like having a baby without telling your parents. I would be utterly unmoved by anyone signing a mortgage or opening a business as they’re financial not personal decisions.

@ObliviousCoalmine
Umm the op specifically asked 'would you be heartbroken in this scenario'. I gave an opinion.

If my DC announced they were going to get married without me there, I would be fine with their decision, support them however they wanted, and buy a nice present.

If they turned up for lunch one day and announced that they had got married in secret, I would be hurt that they had planned something so important without mentioning it, then were judging me on my reaction.

@Whattodoab -Well, it isn't an elopement if you tell people. Any people. It is a private wedding between the two of you, abroad. Having read your update I think your DP is probably right. Your Mother and possibly his, will definitely give you grief beforehand if you tell them and won't be happy if you don't.

So just decide that you'll deal with the grief after, instead of spoiling your own build up to getting away before it would be my advice

BUT if you think it would help the possible fall out, when you return, would there be any mileage in not telling them before you go, but get married abroad, and then phone/text them as soon as you are, and say you decided to get married on the spur of the moment, you're very excited but you are now going to be taking the rest of your holiday as a Honeymoon so you won't be contactable until you come home - but you'll arrange a party once you come home for everyone to be able to celebrate with you? Then just enjoy your honeymoon?

Seems to me, feelings would likely be more hurt, knowing that you had planned it in advance and not said, than they would be if they thought you had done it on the spur of the moment more or less. Not saying they won't possibly still be hurt, but maybe you'll get less grief when you return. Plus they will have a week to calm down before you get home? Just a thought and it'll depend where you are planning on going and how much time in advance it needs to be arranged etc

I would be sad. DS and my lovely DiL had a beautiful wedding. We were not involved in any of the planning, despite offering help with practical stuff, and giving them a hefty whack towards it. I would have loved to feel more involved.
If/when DD marries I would love to to choose the dress with her and help with organising as much as she would like me to.

Given your update, I'd elope then tell everyone. You'll get drama regardless from both mothers, may as well have a lovely ceremony just the two of you before it all.

It sounds like you’re in for some drama either way! Think ahead… if you don’t tell them you’ll be left in peace until after the wedding- but will you have a feeling of dread about their reaction in the pit of your stomach? I think I would but that’s just me as a worrier, so that alone would ruin the lead up to the wedding.

If you tell them then maybe have a concrete date set for a party and heavily involve them in the planning. Play it down, saying you‘ll do the ‘legal bit’ abroad and this will be the main celebration (even if you know yourselves that it isn’t). Maybe even have a blessing or something so it feels more ‘weddingy’.

I'd just do it. I was planning this with my last ex and it actually simplified a lot, was far cheaper and was much more exciting that the long drawn out planning you have to do for a traditional wedding.

My best friend and her husband also did it, so I think it is far more normalised than you'd think. Plus parents and guests don't have to spend hundreds on clothes/hotels on top of the wedding costs. You can have a party when you get back to let everyone know and celebrate with you.

I'm years away from this being a possibility, but I think I would be secretly devastated at missing such a huge life event. I'd pretend to just be delighted for them though.

Your wedding, do what you’d like. You don’t owe anyone a giant wedding celebration

I would be bloody delighted, but I rather enjoy people doing slightly outré things. (And, indeed, doing them myself.)

I've never been a stickler for tradition, so I relate. It would be typical for a mother like me to have a child who ends up being entirely the opposite: like Edina and Saffy! (Disclaimer: dedicated follower of fashion I ain't).

If that does turn out to be the case I'll still be happy with whatever makes them happy. I never want my child to feel duty bound to do what I want them to do on pain of my being upset. (I hope they won't emigrate, but in the end that's their decision and I've had my wing at that, too).

Surely that is a parent's job?