Would you be mad if your child eloped?

I have never married and my mum is now dead. But she was always forewarned that in the event I did get married, it would likely be an elopement. I don't think that would have been her preference, but she was well warned.

I wouldn't choose to elope because I didn't like her - she was my favourite person in the whole world. But I am quite shy, don't like to be the centre of attention and would not enjoy a traditional or even smaller scale wedding where so much focus is on me.

He has a point tbh. Once it’s done then that’s it, they can just be angry about it but there’s no scope to attempt to change your mind. Telling them in advance means you could very well be in for an absolute bombardment as they (not just your parents but anyone and everyone else they’d look to recruit) try to do just that.

We eloped and this was better because when we tried to invite mil to our very small wedding (we couldn't afford anything extravagant) she went berserk and said she refused to come if her boyfriend can't come too.

So we eloped and told her a year later.

We could not be arsed with all the bullshit that guests brought. Fil's partner was also pissy because we said her son (no relation of ours!) Wasn't invited.

My mum didn't care but my MIL was furious even though DH had already had one big wedding.
Didn't matter to us, we had a lovely wedding, spent money on ourselves and things important to us.

If it was what they wanted and they were happy I would be happy for them. It would raise no questions of closeness or how my child viewed me either.

I would be sad I didn't get the chance to wear a fancy outfit and show them off 🤣 but I wouldn't divulge that to them and really that's just a light-hearted quip anyway.

I'm so glad my parents didn't make our wedding about themselves.

I think either way your mum sounds like she would cause issues anyway.

If my child did this under the age of 18, yes, I'd be upset. If they're an adult and they're happy and with a good partner then no, I wouldn't be upset if they eloped. I think eloping and spending half the amount a modern wedding costs on a fantastic honeymoon abroad is a fantastic idea. It's what I wanted for myself, but my now ex wanted the big wedding.

I would hope my son told me though. I would be happy for him. However, reading your update on yours and your DPs tricky relationships with your respective mothers, perhaps he has a point. If your mum is going to make it all about her (and perhaps try to involve other family members), then it might be an idea to either elope and say when you got back that it was spur of the moment and the timing felt just right and say you'd love her help in planning a celebratory party; or call her (from abroad) when you get married and say you just got married, your happy, you wanted to share the news etc.

Whatever happens, I hope you have a lovely day, OP. I've always felt marriage is about the life you build together, not the ceremony at the start.

Changed my mind /vote once read your update about your mother, just elope!

Not the perspective you're after, but we wanted to elope and decided to tell our families ahead of time to minimise the upset. My mum absolutely flipped her lid and we ended up having a small registry wedding instead with just immediate families to appease her. It wasn't that bad but it wasn't what we wanted to do. So if your heart is truly set on eloping and you think it might go down badly, my advice would be to not tell them!

I would tell that you're going to elope, so they have forewarning, but don't tell them any dates or details.

I would be absolutely heartbroken if my child got married without me present. It doesn’t matter if you tell them in advance.

the real question is how good would I be at hiding my feelings. I would try, but I’m not that good of an actress. I’m pretty sure the couple would end up figuring out that they had done something really hurtful, even if I tried to keep my feelings to myself.

I know MN will tell me it's none of my business, it's their day and their lives. All true

But I would be upset.
I wouldn't have a falling out
And I'd get over it

But they're my feelings and that's how it is

We married without telling anyone. We had good reasons and it was right for us, but I do regret not telling my parents beforehand. I think at the time I wasn’t brave enough to say “this is what we want”, maybe I thought they would be hurt not to be invited. Actually I think springing it on them was possibly more hurtful.

As you’re engaged (we weren’t), you’ve created an expectation. I would suggest coming clean about your wedding plans and being resolute about it but go all out with the celebration afterwards.

I'd want my girls to do what's best for them. Enjoy your elopement. Throw a party wearing the dress, when you get back and hire a photographer to take photos of your mum and you.

We did and yes they were pissed,but they got over it.
We didn't want the attention, money spent on it, we're both chronically ill so a long day would kill us, etc.
Best thing we ever did. Even if we had a wedding, someone would be pissed at us for something.

It would be so much worse telling them in advance. They'd be begging to come with you and so pissed when you said no, it would ruin the build up to going away. "Just us!" Then you end up with the same problem as regular weddings that you have to invite parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, so as not to offend anyone.

If they find out where you're going, they might book tickets so they can be there anyway. Avoid.

One of my DDs did this. Neither family had a problem with it when the marriage was revealed many months later.

We always encouraged our children to do whatever is right for them and not to do something they wouldn’t be comfortable with/couldn’t afford just to please other people.

All of my DDs have had non traditional weddings - all were equally enjoyable and more importantly they enjoyed themselves too.

Go for it!

I think eloping is fine but I think it would be kind to tell your parents. Admittedly my Mum was totally fine when a sibling did this (but I’m one of a larger family and the rest of us had got married before so I think she was mostly relieved). I also have a friend who did this and it shattered their relationship with their parents - they didn’t speak for a long time and it’s been fractious ever since. If he doesn’t want to tell his parents that’s fine but if you’d prefer to tell yours that is your prerogative- if he has an issue with this what’s going to happen down the line when compromise is inevitably needed for other issues?!

I'd be more than happy if my daughter did this! She and her partner have their own home and the cost of living the way it is, I'd prefer to see them happy and some lovely photos of the day than know they've saddled themselves with thousands of pounds worth of debt for the sake of one day and keeping people happy!

Still paying the price with my inlaws!! Told my parents in person a few days before and they have never had any problem :)
Eloping was the best decision ever ♥️

I think you should do exactly what you want to do.
Having said that, a young person in my family got married last year without telling anyone and their mother cried for three days. (For ‘young’ read early 30s. I’m in my 60s and I was railroaded into a wedding that was a lot larger than I’d wanted, I should have eloped!).

I'd love it.
No fuss, no waste if money....
You could also just say nothing, then add, much much later. "oh we got married years ago".....

@RoseMarigoldViolet although I might be sad if DS eloped I would also struggle with a huge fancy wedding!

ultimately so is getting married. Marriage is a legal and financial contract, a wedding is entirely optional and arbitrary and weddings being a sign of love and romance is a fairly modern invention. Historically they were about religion and ownership of women.

Honestly, if my parents had been the types to be "devastated" and think a wedding is the most important day of my life (I can think of about 100 things I've done that are more important to me than getting married) then I'd be even more inclined to elope and not tell them. Surely most parents want their children to be happy and confident to make their own choices in life, not impose their views and wants on their kids to the detriment of the kids' own beliefs?

You're a grown up. You can do as you choose.

Would I be upset? No, not if DS was happy. That's all that really matters.

Why did you get engaged so far ahead of getting married if you are eloping?

DH’s brother wanted to get married with just his future bride abroad with no family/friends. MIL was reasonably fine with this, as long as no-one else was invited. DH and I were also engaged, so there was a prospect of one wedding to go to. But bride’s mother was distraught and demanded that she would be invited to the wedding. It all then kicked off! In the end BIL and bride changed wedding plans and got married in this country with friends and family. However, with family dynamics it was a very fraught day (this was the reason they wanted to get married with just the two of them there). For that reason I wouldn’t tell anyone in advance. Although if you have booked a long holiday I assume people will guess.

Will you be legally married where you are having the ceremony?

I must confess I would be sad if DS chose to get married without us being there, but would obviously accept that is what he wanted and not tell him I was sad. His happiness more important