Would you be mad if your child eloped?

If any of my children eloped and got married I'd just be happy for them. It's their life. I want them to do it in the way they want and not have to consider anyone else but eachother.

We didn't elope although wanted to do that style.We had a quick ish registry office wedding. I didn't tell anyone but my husband told his parents who were not happy. We didn't have the money to do anything else and it was getting later and later as I was heavily pregnant and just wanted to be less vunerable/get it done. We decided to not have any family there as witnesses. As my mum and dad aren't on talking terms/ divorced he had a new girlfriend wouldn't come without her oh the dynamics would of been awful. We also couldn't of just had his parents come.His mum gave me the silent treatment for months. Not him just me. All she could see was her own hurt. Not a 22 year old women extremely vunerable/ pregnant without any support. I never want to be that kind of MIL!

Just go and do it. People get over it but it's not worth rocking the boat beforehand unless you're really sure they will love and support you in the way you need. In my experience it goes downhill very fast or snowballs and everyone under the sun wants to tell you how you should get married.

It's bonkers to me anyone else thinks they are entitled to have a say. It's not their wedding.

But it’s not about wanting to be the centre of attention as mother of the bride st a fancy wedding, it’s about wanting to be present to witness my darling child, who I gave birth to, nurtured and love and would sell my soul for, at this joyful moment in her life.

My kids are little but if one of my siblings had done this I think I would have pretended to be fine but actually been really very deeply hurt.
It meant a lot ot me to share their wedding with them, to see them on their special day surrounded by people that love and support them.
So yes to be excluded from that and only told afterwards, I'd be devastated.
My sister had the legal bit of her wedding about a week before and casually dropped that into conversation a few months before, and I was pretty upset not to be invited to that. In the end I couldn't go to that as it was in a different foreign country (she lives abroad anyway) and we had a small baby. but I was really sad to miss that too

My mum would have been heartbroken to have missed any of our weddings (3 siblings, all married now). MIL would probably not have minded, she had a very small wedding herself.

If you are already engaged I don't think you can describe it as eloping. Isn't eloping when you get married secretly with no one knowing that you're planning to get married? What you are planning is just planning to get married abroad without telling anyone beforehand and without friends and family in attendance.

As to your question, I have never really thought about it before. My children are in their early 20's and aren't in serious relationships yet. I can't say that I have ever dreamed of being the mother of the bride at a big fancy wedding. I don't think I would be disappointed if my child chose to get married in secret, as long as that's what they truly wanted. I would be much more interested in whether my child was happy and whether their spouse was a good partner who loved them and treated them well rather than whether they had a "fairytale wedding".

I think there are some weird ideas about WHY it would be upsetting, that I suppose might be true for some but are totally alien to me. I personally would be very hurt not to be told because to me marriage is far more than joining finances etc. I can’t imagine caring if my child wanted a church and reception, vegas or the local registrar. My children tell me much more minor things (as I do them) so it would be very unsettling in my family.

As a parent, my overwhelming wish was for my daughter to be happy. She may as well have eloped because she got married at a couple of days notice during the pandemic when it was not possible to travel between the UK and Jordan, where she was living, for many months. It was strange seeing her get married in an Islamic ceremony thousands of miles away by Zoom, but the one thing that shone out was that she was radiantly happy and I couldn't have wished for more for her.

I had a very small wedding when I got married, in a register office rather than a church because I'm not religious. We arranged it with a month's notice and nothing would ever have persuaded me to have had a great big wedding and traditional reception and we did consider eloping quite seriously. I always assumed my daughter would either have a very small wedding or elope as it was just something she never seemed to want.

I think a wedding should only be about what the couple concerned want, and if you want to just elope and get married somewhere exotic, do it!

I have one unmarried DC. I would be disappointed not to be there if they decide to get married but not mad. I think the word "elopement" sounds quite dramatic and if your aim is not to make a big fuss about your marriage why not simply go to a registry office?

I am very close to my adult DD, we talk every day and see a lot of each other. She shares a lot with me, and I am happy that she wants to do that. I had a similar relationship with my late DM.

That said, any decisions she comes too about her life ( and a marriage is a big one ) are hers alone. If she decided to do this and then tell me afterwards I would not be upset in any way. It’s her life, and her choice to make.

I think the fact that they know you are engaged is enough of a warning. Perhaps put a date in the diary for a party when you get back and announce/celebrate together then.

I think you should tell your parents. It's a big deal to them and seems a bit callous not to.

YABU. You should just do it and tell people afterwards. I know someone who told her mother that she wanted a very small wedding, and the mother laid on this huge guilt trip and said she had to invite her entire extended family. If you have a large family, sometimes telling one person means telling everyone, as well. It is YOUR wedding, and your fiancé's. Not your parents' or anyone else's. If you actively want your parents to be there, that's one thing, but I'm not getting that from your post. I get more the impression that you don't want to rock the boat.

ETA. My friend ended up never getting married to her fiancé! They split up, and at least part of that was the pressure the family put them both about the wedding.

I agree that this is perhaps how balanced and adjusted we should aim to be, but I don't think most 'normal' parents would shrug and say, "yay, you did what you wanted," in these circumstances.

A degree of sadness and disappointment wouldn't surprise me at all, even with the most supportive and enlightened parents.

I wouldn’t be mad, I’d be upset.

I wouldn’t care if my children did & I don’t think my parents would either, but I know my mother in law would be hurt. So it depends on your parents I suppose…

If you are going to do this, I would tell them after. Before makes it seem like there is a chance to change your mind.

I would not tell them in person. Give them a chance to have their real reaction in private so they can put on a happy face by the time they see you.

@Whattodoab tbh I think your DH-to-be is probably correct given your specific circumstances.

I might change my vote now that I read your explanations. Either way, it sounds like the family dynamics make an elopement your best choice.

Could you fudge a bit and lie and say that once on your beautiful holiday, you felt so in love that you just went ahead on a lark and got married? They may be upset but then the elopement won't seem intentional, even though it was.

@Whattodoab definitely absolutely 100% do NOT tell them. This is what we did and it destroyed the run up to our elopement as we had endless fall out and screaming rows (not with each other!).

Go, enjoy it and then tell everyone when you come back. Far better to ask for forgiveness than permission ❤️

I fully expect my DD to do this at some point with her BF. Neither of them want a big wedding and my DD is way too financially savvy to spend a hard earned fortune on a one day celebration. I totally agree. I just want them to be happy and do life their way. I would be thrilled for them both.

😂😂😁Love it!!! A whole year later!! Brilliant!!

To be honest, if my dd did this, I'd be quite delighted - none of the faff with organising or the massive expense of it all! We would help them organise a party for after and I'd have a posh frock and it would all be lovely and relaxed. I think I might suggest it to them, actually...

I stopped over in Gretna Green to break up a long journey to North Scotland. We were sitting outside the hotel on the day we arrived drinking coffee and watched a young couple come back from getting married. The bride then phoned her Mum to tell her of the good news (in front of half the hotel), however Mum clearly had no idea this was going to happen and was furious. The bride was in tears and I imagine it put a bit of a dampener on what should have been a very special day.

^^This
My DD always said that she’d elope, it didn’t bother me one bit. I know she hates being the centre of attention and dressing up, much like me.
DS and DDIL had a wonderful wedding, again their choice.
I would be happy to go along with whatever my DCs decided.

If you tell anybody beforehand, you aren’t eloping. You are just not inviting them to your wedding.