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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to keep my son away from my mams cousin.

63 replies

BoyMama1409 · 22/05/2024 00:09

Long one so please stay with me. My son was born September 23 and almost instantly my mams cousin (who insists on referring to herself as Auntie when speaking to my son), who hadn’t had anything to do with me for a long time, was constantly on the phone asking about the baby. Any time she was at my mams and I was there she would ask to change his nappy and feed him (I know some might think she’s trying to help a tired mama but my son was on a feeding plan due to loosing too much birth weight so I had to monitor his intake very closely) even when I said no I was fine doing it myself she would wait until I was out of the room and proceed to change him. She once waited until I had popped out from my mams (DS was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him for the sake of a 10 minute trip to the shop) to then change my sons nappy, his clothes (apparently he’d wet through) and start to feed him. This was after I had already stopped her from changing his nappy before I left. When I got back, the way she spoke was to insinuate that if I’d have let her change DS when she’d wanted to that he wouldn’t have wet through and wouldn’t have needed changing and that when she put other clothes on him she hadn’t put a vest on because “he was hot anyway”. Any time she rings my mam and can hear my son in the background she comments “aw is THE BABY there” and if she is calling over my mams house will then ask “will THE BABY still be there?” “What’s the chances of you still having THE BABY” She never asks about me when she’s on the phone, never acknowledges DS by his name only “THE BABY” and now she doesn’t even acknowledge me when we’re both at my mams. She came to visit a few days ago and came in with some toys for DS (not age appropriate) ignored me and spoke directly to DS “look what I’ve brought for you” and then tried to take him from me, I told her I was just about to change his nappy and she persisted to try and take him from my arms stating. “Aw he can come for a bit”. She has zero respect for me as his mother which has shown by things she has done, including measuring DS’s length for the first time despite hearing me say me and DH were going to do it when he got home from work, and statements like “aw look I’ve bought him his first Xmas outfit” lots of “firsts” she wants to try and take from us.

AIBU to not want someone around my son who clearly has no respect for me or my boundaries ?

OP posts:
Sarah28191106 · 25/05/2024 19:20

Your Mum needs to support and back you up here. This is a special time for you and you don't need this kind of upset and anxiety. There are several reasons for this lady's behaviour. Possibly, suffering from menopausal anxiety, or trauma or loss of previous pregnancy. It's easy for her to be dismissed as 'batshit' but compassion may be a kinder alternative.

CountessWindyBottom · 25/05/2024 18:23

Fucking hell @BoyMama1409!!! No no no no no! Her behaviour is completely and utterly disrespectful and weird.

Tell your Mum that you’ve had enough and you simply will not visit while she’s there and she is not to be let in when you are. She’s basically a randomer to you and you have to listen to your instincts. Her behaviour is way out of line. Make sure she never knows your address either.

Original poster
BoyMama1409 · 25/05/2024 18:11

Gollumm · 25/05/2024 16:56

How old is she? Is she neurodivergent in any way which means she doesn’t understand boundaries? This is the only reason I can think of to explain her behaviour tbh. Does she struggle with her mental health? Has she had baby loss before that she could be traumatised by? The answers to these questions will only try to provide a reason and doesn’t really deal with the behaviour.

In future I would not leave him in your mums house if she’s there, don’t even leave them in a room together because she will not respect your boundaries. Anything she buys either don’t take from her, or give it back to her and say they’re not suitable and please can you stop buying things for your child. If she leaves stuff at your mums just take them to a charity shop. Don’t indulge her whatsoever.

She’s early 50’s, has two children in their 20’s and one who is 11. Not neurodivergent at all, just really doesn’t understand boundaries, as I said previously she’s even tried to take him from my arms when I’d literally just said I was about to change his nappy.
It’s as if she wants to be the first to do things or buy certain things for my son. She knows OH is very into his cars and so turned up at my mams with cars for DS just so she can say she got him his first cars and not his dad. At my wits end really.

OP posts:
Gollumm · 25/05/2024 16:56

How old is she? Is she neurodivergent in any way which means she doesn’t understand boundaries? This is the only reason I can think of to explain her behaviour tbh. Does she struggle with her mental health? Has she had baby loss before that she could be traumatised by? The answers to these questions will only try to provide a reason and doesn’t really deal with the behaviour.

In future I would not leave him in your mums house if she’s there, don’t even leave them in a room together because she will not respect your boundaries. Anything she buys either don’t take from her, or give it back to her and say they’re not suitable and please can you stop buying things for your child. If she leaves stuff at your mums just take them to a charity shop. Don’t indulge her whatsoever.

Noseybookworm · 25/05/2024 14:54

How often is she at your mum's? Can't you just avoid going there when she's there? Tell your mum that she gets in your nerves and you're not keen on seeing her often. Then cut right back on contact. Can't mum come to you instead?

Original poster
BoyMama1409 · 22/05/2024 08:26

needsomeadvice22 · 22/05/2024 01:25

Just stop inviting her or going round your mums when she's there.

I don’t invite her, she has never been to my home (I moved 3 years ago and she doesn’t know where too - like I said we’re not close). I do try and avoid going to my mams when I know she’s there but it’s when she turns up when I’m already there. A few times I’ve just picked DS up and left but sometimes hes in the middle of food etc so I leave as soon as I can after.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoyMama1409 · 22/05/2024 08:23

Readytoplay · 22/05/2024 00:14

She sounds a bit unhinged TBH, so no you ANBU. Although I personally wouldn’t get two worked up about the buying of stuff, changing nappies would be a complete no no for me. Op, please don’t leave your son alone with this woman.

The buying of stuff doesn’t really bother me, however (and not to sound ungrateful) it’s not really things that DS can use/wear. Recently she bought him slippers sized for a 3yr old, he was 7 months.
She also keeps turning up with her son’s old toys (hes now 12) ones that are too old for DS to play with - small parts/choking hazards and doesn’t understand why I’ve politely declined them.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2024 01:46

Alarm bells all over the place. It seems clear there's something not quite right with her interest in your child. Never applogise or make excuses for protecting your baby.

Your baby, your rules, end of discussion.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 22/05/2024 01:29

She sounds quite odd and too pushy. You need to be more assertive and your mum needs to be backing you up. Next time, when she starts again just simply say 'no thanks he's fine with me' and change the topic. He's your son and you don't need to feel awkward or pushed into handing him over by anyone or for anything. Also, try using a baby carrier to have baby 'on' you. It's a physical barrier and she'll look odd if she carries on pushing to hold him. Start speaking up and being firm but polite. She may be over excited and well intentioned but how it makes you feel is all that matters so put your big girl pants on and manage it

needsomeadvice22 · 22/05/2024 01:25

Just stop inviting her or going round your mums when she's there.

LoneGothInASeaOfBalaclavas · 22/05/2024 01:21

Your mums cousin? That's distant for her to be so full on. Strongly put her in her place. You are the advocate for your baby and you need to learn to stand up for him, as well as yourself. She's clearly batshit, treat her as such and firmly nip this in the bud. Don’t spare her feelings either. She's given no consideration to yours.

Novella90 · 22/05/2024 00:26

Readytoplay · 22/05/2024 00:14

She sounds a bit unhinged TBH, so no you ANBU. Although I personally wouldn’t get two worked up about the buying of stuff, changing nappies would be a complete no no for me. Op, please don’t leave your son alone with this woman.

I agree with this 100%, if she wants to buy the baby clothes and presents then that’s fair enough, I can see why the comments about them being the baby’s ‘firsts’ would get to you especially since she’s making a bit point of it but it’s the nappy thing that’s concerning. If you’ve said DC doesn’t need changing and she’s doing it anyway that’s strange in my opinion, I wouldn’t leave the baby in a room alone with her let alone the house.

Readytoplay · 22/05/2024 00:14

She sounds a bit unhinged TBH, so no you ANBU. Although I personally wouldn’t get two worked up about the buying of stuff, changing nappies would be a complete no no for me. Op, please don’t leave your son alone with this woman.