To give my anxious 11yo a walkie talkie at bedtime?

It’s worth a shot but I think that the hour in his room could be feeding his anxiety as he knows that bedtime is coming.

Just to say that I don't consider myself to be an expert on child-rearing and how to get them to go sleep; for info I'm a mother of two sons and grandmother of two teenagers, and was far from the perfect mother!

But why does your 11-year old go to his room at 8 to then do drawing and crafts for an hour when he could do this downstairs - I don't understand this banishment upstairs. Can't these activities be done downstairs?

You say you are 'struggling with the loss of evening' but what is it you want to do, that a child of that age would interfere with?

He won't go to sleep until he's tired!

What happens at weekends and school holidays?

Also agreeing about the 7:30!

Mine gets in bed at 8:45ish and reads for half an hour or so. Then is asleep pretty much instantly.

I agree with others maybe 7.30 is a little early, and she simply isn’t tired when she goes to bed and then gets over tired with the frustration.

my daughter was anxious when she was a similar age new house and she was further away from us so she had the baby monitor reinstated which helped, then we moved to a string, she had one end and I had the other so when she pulled it I could pull it back. That worked well for a couple of weeks but she preferred the monitor. In this day and age I would get Alexa but be careful about conversing, just a ping or one word reassurance is all you need

My 11yo still has the baby monitor.

It's just a cheap sound only one.

But her bedroom is on a different floor to us. (Townhouse) She will never get out of bed and come to us, always stays in bed and calls and she's not got a particularly loud voice!

We don't like the thought of not hearing her. She doesn't like the thought of not being heard.

Saves us a lot of up and down the stairs too as can chat over it.

Do what works for you and your family. It's won't be forever.

Having had an anxious child I understand your frustration. Mine boy was adopted by us and whilst with his BM had frequently been left indoors alone, overnight in his cot. So even though he couldn't actually remember being left alone, that level of fear and anxiety about night time, being left etc., has stayed and can still flare up even now he is early 20s. Deep rooted anxiety is hard to overcome.

We tried a whole host of things. Some worked for short periods. I think at that age it was a CD player with story CDs. I would stay and chat as he was snuggling down, then I would put the story CD on. To start with I stayed until DS had fallen asleep, but after a few nights I was able to start leaving the room earlier.

I agree @Pin0cchio .

I’d go with an Alexa too. That way they could also play relaxing music if they wanted. They’re at full price at the moment but they often have half price sales or you can pick older ones up on Markeyplace cheaply.

Agreed 7.30 is too early. My 7 year old is lights out at 7.45, 8pm on friday and saturday night!

At that age they really shouldn't be so worried about not being right by mum & dad. Other kids this age are happily off on school residentials (does she manage those?)

Is there SEN at work here, or is there some cause/trigger for the anxiety that you can work on?

Id be a bit wary that you are feeding the fear, confirming that she does need to be able to talk directly to you etc. She needs to experience going to sleep without you & learn that its okay, and nothing bad happens and learn from that that she is safe at home in her room & her bed

Like others have said, 7.30 is very early for an 11 year old to be expected to sleep.

I totally get wanting your peace on an evening but it does decrease as they get older sadly! I have a 12.5yr old.

Is there a programme you both like to watch? Son likes police documentaries/interceptors etc. You could put an episode of something on at 7-7.30, snuggle up and watch together for an hour then they go to bed at 8.30. Do they like to read? Draw? Let them do a quiet activity in bed until 9, then you go back up and say goodnight.

While a walkie talkie is a good idea on paper, I would worry they’d get reliant on it, plus other issues as raised re hearing other voices.

As others have said, an Alexa would have multiple benefits in this situation. You can use it as an intercom if you have one downstairs as well, and she could listen to music or audiobooks etc as well.

I struggled terribly with my sleep when I was a kid (undiagnosed adhd!) and bedtimes were like torture - by far and away the loneliest and most miserable aspect of my childhood. My parents knew that I struggled but they had no idea how much. What I have understood as an adult is that I really struggle to sleep in a silent room...I need some sort of background noise to help me tune out the noise that's in my head. Might be worth seeing whether this might be a factor?

I think it’s a great idea. Try it and see!

My 11 year old start getting ready around 8.30 for bed as he still likes being read to. So usually we start reading at 8.45 until 9.30 then lights out.

A wallow talkie is enforcing the idea that they should be worried and need to check.

I'd steer well clear of that and focus on them
being relaxed and winding down before bed.

One of mine plays audiobooks over his echo dot to help settle himself

If he is that bad I'd even consider a TV. Friends dc used to watch nature documentaries going to sleep - weird but it worked.

You don't say "why" you think your DC is so anxious at bedtime? It's pretty unusual for an 11 year old to be worried about not being able to hear her parents that she knows are in the house.

What time does she get up in the morning and is she rested with going to bed at 9.30pm? As a random outsider it sounds like she'not actually tired and is therefore fighting against the early bedtime. The fact you were recently putting her to bed at 7.30pm suggests this even more strongly. Is she going to bed at that time for her benefit or yours?

I'd personally suggest moving to a later bedtime of maybe 9pm, but saying to her that the hour before hand is quiet time - so it's fine for her to read or do crafts or something else restful (not screen based) in her room or maybe (perhaps restrict evenings) sit and watch TV with you without lots of chatting but the pay off for giving her an later bedtime is that she respects these "rules" and goes to bed without complaining. If you make downstairs comparatively dull, chances are she may start choosing to go to her room on at least some evenings.

Also this! 7.30 is my 3YO’s bedtime. My almost 7YO goes to bed at 9 and wakes up at 7. Their sleep needs do decrease as they get older.

8pm even us early for lights out for an 11 year old. They're almost high school if not already. Make them go upstairs yes, but maybe make it so lights out at 9.30 if that's the time they're feeling?
Are they tired in the morning and is that an issue, or is it just that you want adult night?

No to walkie talkies as the channels aren’t secure. Friend’s kid was picking up the builders 2 doors down talking in Polish on his, anyone can get on it, and that’s not only unsafe but bound to heighten anxiety if he hears a strange voice through it. I’d get Alexas instead, there’s a kids one without a screen that would be perfect for his room, then just a normal one in the living room and maybe also your room.

Wasn't 7.30 a little early for an 11 year old?

You say that you've had this problem 'forever really' maybe you were sending him/her upstairs a bit too keenly!

I know you want an adult evening, didn't we all, but have you tried them staying up until their tired and wanting to go to bed?

Why would you choose to allow Amazon (including some of their workers) to listen to your child when they are scared and vulnerable? They deserve privacy.

I think it’s a great idea and is also a fun/cool gadget for a child that age to have during the daytime or when a friend comes over. Do it! I really hope it work as it sounds very stressful all round.

I wouldn't do that, just keep going back every 5 minutes, like when you have a toddler. Poor thing, hope things all settle down soon.