To think my best friend is taking the piss

sorry you feel like I’ve taken the piss.

IMO When someone says/writes this they're not sorry for what they've done or how they treated you.

If a person were genuinely apologetic they would say/write "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" instead they use the cop out words "you feel like".

It always sounds like they're thinking we'll I don't feel the same so not really my problem.

Got to say her apology is somewhat of a non-apology. Having her baby for the day when you had taken annual leave and your own children were in childcare (that you were paying for) was only ruined because the baby was teething? Not because you PAID FOR CHILDCARE FOR YOUR KIDS so you could have a day off and she waylaid you and turned your day off into unpaid work. lol whut? She was totally imposing upon you in a very user-ish way and she's downplaying it, likely because she wants to sweet-talk you into spending good chunks of your summer doing more childcare for her.

Just say no. When you work, you pay for childcare. When you cut back your hours it was for the benefit of yourself and your family. She's acting all "poor me" when the core problem is that she expects you to give her free childcare for her kids even as you pay for your own childcare for your kids. Totally ridiculous! Can't believe you're putting up with this!

Notice also she says "now the childminder is full" and that "I should have taken the space". She had an offer of childcare and said no! Why? I think because she thought she could keep using you for free. She now regrets having said no. Is that because she realized she's been inconsiderate and selfish? I doubt it, because she didn't need you to get visibly upset to know she was being inconsiderate and selfish. That was obvious from the get-go by the very nature of how much work childcare is. The only reason she regrets saying no to the spot at the childminder is that she sees the free nannying from you might be slipping through her fingers.

Also notice the little guilt trips she peppers through her message. "thought we could make do until", "help from friends and family", "so hard juggling it all" (like it isn't hard for you????), "now it's even more of a mess", "how naive I was".

Expert manipulator.

Why is there even a discussion?

Why do you feel the need to ask mumsnet for permission?

If you really can't say no to people, just invent a list of last-minute excuses. You threw up last night, you think you're coming down with a cold, your child is unwell.

Cripes! They might even suspect you don't want to be their official childminder.

But you really ought to attempt being grown up and just saying, you're happy for playdates with children, but your friend needs to find a professional childminder because it's impacting on your family.

It's not healthy to be in a relationship where you do all the giving and someone else is doing all the taking. Maybe you're in a "stage" where that is happening in your friendship. But you need to end it. Swiftly.

Maybe when you set down boundaries that friendship will end either temporarily or forever. But you know this set up of you being a doormat is not going to end well. And you won't be appreciated when you either break or get dragged down to the detriment of your own family.

Just say no.

Wow, she's calling you pissed off, the problem is you not being comfortable about taking on too much, made your horrendous day with her teething baby a joke, did not apologise called herself "naive" 😱 I don't know where to start.

Sorry clicked send too soon, so every time she would ring and ask what I was up to, I'd say ' I'm not sure might be meeting so and so for lunch' just to give me the space to say now to minding if I wanted to

Another tip I used to do with my SIL is be careful what you tell her. Mine would ring and say 'what are you up to date? As if just chatting and when I would say nothing, she would go oh great, can you mind the kids!

The only bit in her response that would piss me off is the passive aggressive “I’m sorry that you “feel” that you’ve been taken advantage of.

says she doesn’t think you have!!

YANBU. She is using you for free childcare and you've got to put your foot down.
What a great "friend" she is

looking after babies

If you still want to be friends with her, you have to be a bit more tactile I think.

Don't let her know when you are going on annual leave. If you feel like telling her, say that you are going swimming with your own kids or something, or to the beach, something whereby it's difficult to be looking after children. Then just say that plans had to change last minute (to what it was originally going to be).

I would suggest that you ask the friend for some money for looking after her child after school, to help with the childminder fees too.

You could also suggest taking your DD somewhere after school, making it impossible for you to also collect her DD. Maybe to the grandparents house, your own friends house, a family dinner out. It will soon become so inconvenient for her, she won't ask you anymore.

It would be interesting to check with the place to see if there actually are spaces available….

I agree with this. Doesn’t seem genuine at all. She’s clearly manipulative and this is the 2nd phase now you’ve finally called her on it.

Nice as it is to be on good terms again, this is something to keep at the back of your mind when having conversations that start to cross your boundaries again.

You both sound like you’ve been reasonable. Good msg from you and good she responded an acknowledgment of the situation. Well done to you both!!

Offered a spa day. Definitely on MN. 😑

You got a good reply. Keep firm boundaries as she’ll try to be nice so you’ll say yes to childminding her kids. Don’t do the spa treat because that will be leverage to ask for you to look after her kids again. She’s not a good friend. Find another best friend.

I think your friend's response was perfect. She messed up, she owned it. Moving on with laughter and G&T. If only everyone could handle conflict so well as you both have.

I agree, I feel like she's setting it up that it's only a while with no spaces in childcare (because of her stupidity) and for you to respond that you'll help her out until sept. If op doesn't stay firm then she will have the kids on her days off too. God, how tragic would the summer have been with the cf friend asking favours from everyone

Yes exactly. The odd day I've ever had to work from home with my one year old has been atrocious 😂

I’m cynical. The fact she drops in the childminder is full and she was hoping to get through to sept, makes me think she wants you to step up , that’s what’s behind your message, she’s softening you up. Silly me and I’ve no childcare, what will I do, it’s just till sept.

It will be very interesting to see what she does for childcare whilst she works now!

Don’t cave, @Findingthisweekhard !

OP, you know the cost of daily childcare.
I suggest you tot up how much you have saved her.
I suspect it is a lot of money.
She is 20 steps ahead of you.

I don't think it is.It reeks you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
She knows if she's nice now you're more willing to help.
I don't think it's a genuine apology.
She's still not taking full responsibility.

Exactly!!!!!