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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my best friend is taking the piss

509 replies

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 14:59

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

OP posts:
TwinklesToes · 21/05/2024 23:44

YANBU someone tried this with me once many years ago. Took a job, no childcare provision and was sending her daughter to my house an hour before the children left for school. I responded by sending the child home (a few doors away, I knew mother hadn’t left for work) and telling her my daughter would call for her on the way to school. Did the trick, childcare was miraculously in place soon after.

Josette77 · 21/05/2024 23:44

This is not your fault. Do not feel guilty at all for her not responding!!!!

It's absurd they cancelled childcare and are now depending on you, and her working from home with the baby.

She should be showing up with flowers and a bottle of wine to apologize.

CissOff · 21/05/2024 23:43

Bravo OP 👏 can’t have been an easy message to send

SheilaWilde · 21/05/2024 23:27

Great message and hopefully she'll read it in the spirit it's meant and give herself a kick up the bum for being so cheeky.

Fallingforwards · 21/05/2024 23:13

This is really rubbish behaviour. I’d only ask a friend in an emergency. Not as essentially routine childcare. Tell her you can’t have them again.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/05/2024 23:06

I think your message is very good. It says everything it needs to say, and ends on a friendly note.

I can’t believe you had her 1 yo on your precious child free day off! How could she even have the nerve to ask?

I also feel sorry for her 1 yo - being juggled by parents who are also trying to “work from home” is not start in life for a child.

Not your problem though. You now need to start saying no any and every time she asks again.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/05/2024 23:01

I'm incredulous that you've done it so far & said no.

TemuSpecialBuy · 21/05/2024 23:00

Good message.

Honestly its INSANE she has no formal childcare and works FT.

While a "hard to receive" message it is more than fair.

If she sends anything other than a positive message / apology I'd be reviewing the friendship

glittercunt · 21/05/2024 23:00

I think the message read well. It's all things which need saying. If she takes it badly, that's on her. It would be a shame to lose the friendship but she's using you and you need to stop this happening before it's been too long and become more established - it would only be harder.

romdowa · 21/05/2024 23:00

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 22:12

No reply yet🙁

Prepare yourself for the incoming guilt trip in the morning

dancingdaisies · 21/05/2024 22:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Ellie1015 · 21/05/2024 22:57

Well done, good and honest message. Probably hard to hear and understandable she may be struggling with what to say but I am sure it will be resolved either by apologetic reply or swept under carpet but your boundary is now established.

Apollo365 · 21/05/2024 22:56

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 22:47

they need grassing up to their respective employers.

Yep. Absolutely ridiculous

Apollo365 · 21/05/2024 22:55

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 19:31

“this is a really awkward conversation but it needs to be said. I’m feeling a bit put out by all the help with x & y recently. I’ve taken a big pay cut to drop to part time to do some school runs and spend time with the kids, and we pay over £800 a month for the childminder for the twins for my work hours so I know they are well cared for, having fun and I can do my job properly. I do feel like you’ve taken advantage of my new routine and you’ve been a bit lapse with your childcare arrangements for x and y, relying on me to bail you out but it’s becoming a regular thing and I’m still really disappointed about my day off the other week when the twins were with the childminder but I had y for you and it was a total nightmare. I’m not going to be able to help anymore and I think it would be good for you and the kids to get in to a stable routine! Here’s the link to book afterschool club xxx. I’d be happy to book dd in for x’s first session so she has a familiar face. I’m sure if you speak to my childminder in the morning on the school run she can ask around to help you find a space for y. I know you’ll be disappointed but I really think we need a boundary to protect our friendship, we were friends for so many years before we had kids, let’s not let childcare be the reason for falling out xx”

holding breath waiting for a reply

Amazing response OP. I’m usually disappointed with this threads that there is never really a conclusion and these ‘friends’ go on taking advantage.
you’ve left me impressed 🎉

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2024 22:51

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 21/05/2024 22:28

Although it does sound like she's been cheeky...
Really not sure what response you're expecting. It's not going to be a nice message to receive.
I'd expect she'd be pretty upset.

Well OP has been pretty upset for a while. And she’s not the one in the wrong. The only appropriate response is an apology for taking the piss and an acceptance those days are over so we can imagine that’s what OP is hoping for.

BMW6 · 21/05/2024 22:51

Well said OP, she owes you a huge apology

SendNoodles · 21/05/2024 22:50

Just catching up now. That's a great message! Hope it all works out for you.

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 22:47

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 18:16

Thanks all this was the kick up the bum I needed. The childcare on my day off should have been the last straw but I will message her tonight!

and yes on her non office days she “works from home” with her 13 month old and usually on her office days her husband has the baby whilst he “works from home”

they need grassing up to their respective employers.

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 22:45

Does she actually think she can coast along palming her kids off on others until they start school? YANBU Did she not read the manual and realise that children aren't free, and they do generate expense? Perhaps she would be better off with a goldfish (although they require basic care too)

setmestraightplease · 21/05/2024 22:44

No reply yet🙁

You shouldn't be worrying that she hasn't replied! YOU are not the CF here!

SHE should be panicking now about how to apologise about being the CF!

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2024 22:39

That is a really good message. She has been massively taking the piss out of you.

mummytrex · 21/05/2024 22:36

Great message. Tbh no friend treats a friend like this so brace yourself for a blow up or guilt trip. You're not being unreasonable.

Nonewclothes2024 · 21/05/2024 22:36

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 21/05/2024 22:28

Although it does sound like she's been cheeky...
Really not sure what response you're expecting. It's not going to be a nice message to receive.
I'd expect she'd be pretty upset.

An apology and 'it won't happen again' sort of message is what I'd be hoping for.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 21/05/2024 22:34

Great message

Crumpleton · 21/05/2024 22:32

You've said your piece.

As said she should only be replying along the lines of "thank you for your help"
Nothing else, the door wasn't left open for her to put her side across in the hope you'd change your mind.

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