To think my best friend is taking the piss

Best friend? No no no she isn't.

I think it’s clear you’ve got to the end of your tether. I would have probably talked to her as your message was a little harsh for her to receive as words on a phone (ie calling her toddler a nightmare) but her only response now should be that she understands and is sorry.

Your message was totally fine OP.

You're not paying childcare for your own children to look after hers. That's madness.

Never fear, she'll find some other unsuspecting soul to take advantage of..
they always do.

I have a friend like this - as soon as she got a,whiff that I had dime 'free' time, I'd be asked to have her (then) toddler, I've even stayed over (with my, then, young kids) while she & her dh went away for a night, I've ba y-sat for all her 3 kids, and, as they started to grow up, I was still called upon in 'emergencies' to do last minute pick-ups, more baby sitting etc. Once I went back to work part time, it didn't stop and I was expected (& did) drive miles out of my way to pick her dd up from somewhere to take her home (as she realised my work finish time would coincide with time her dd needed picking up). On this occasion, when I dropped her dd home and the dd just got out of the car and didn't even say thank you, I thought, fuck this for a game of soldiers. So, even though all our kids are at least teenagers & early 20's now, when I get messages now asking for things, I 'pre'read' them without it showing I've done so & just don't reply until long after the time she needed me! I've also learnt to say no, I'm too busy. I would always help her still in a real emergency but, often, her emergencies had such obvious solutions that she could easily have worked out for herself with a bit of common sense! I have, on occasion, asked her to help je out, and she does/did, but 99% of the time, I found my own solutions without ever dreaming of imposing on her or anyone! She really is a wonderful friend but suffers from anxiety which I think stops her from finding her own (very easy) solutions. I would hate to hurt her feelings but I do sometimes feel my heart drop when I read another begging message. She doesn't seem to realise how much I value time on my own & I have felt very taken advantage of my kind nature.

She’s not a good mate to you if Thomas how she treats you!!

She’ll probably deny receiving your message…

You’ve written a long, reasonable message but I think I’d have just told her I count longer pick up/take her dc to school as it’s never reciprocated and there’ll be no more days of looking after her dc. Telling her it was ‘a nightmare’ was possibly not the most diplomatic although good and direct.

I think your message was heartfelt and sincere. Well done for not minimising or glossing over / telling white lies. You are rightfully angry and I wouldn’t hold my breath for a reply but agree with PP that this woman is no friend anymore. She’s a user and you’ve told her to sort herself out. You’ve offered an olive branch and I would leave it at that. Don’t bother worrying about her - the cheeky cow. She’s not worried about you or your kids, is she.

Great message OP. If you don't receive a reply then that speaks volumes.

That was a great message you sent. Honestly if you said nothing, you'd end up angry and falling out with her. Seems strange that she thinks her time is more valuable than yours? She needs to reduce her hours or pay for a child minder. She seems a bit greedy trying to save her money at your expense. Update us op, let us know what she says.

That was a great message. Asking you to collect her school age child is one thing - but I cannot believe she even asked you to look after her 1yo when you had a lovely relaxing day out planned with your sis and had booked your twins into childcare. I’d only ever ask that of someone in an absolute emergency- like hospital death bed type emergency! She really is cheeky and I hope she realises and replies nicely and appropriately to your message.

She might be feeling guilty op and speak to you today

I like your message - I know some people think it’s too wordy, but you’ve given her no wiggle-room to try to push back again. There is literally nothing she can argue because you’ve told the truth. She might choose to be offended by her child being a nightmare on your day off - but her child was a nightmare on your day off.

If you don’t hear from her I imagine it will be through shame/embarrassment - she has no right to be angry because you’ve pointed out that she’s doing things that she is really doing.

I hope she can get a grip on her childcare situation and put her pride to one side to make an effort to repair your friendship. That is all on her though - you’ve done enough.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. Unless she comes back with a grovelling apology she has some bloody nerve!

Well done OP, your message is exactly what you needed to say.
To often we sugar things, and not give the true reason why, your friend needed to be told.

@Findingthisweekhard

I agree with the general Census

I 🤔 think her attitude towards you your so called best friend is emotionally manipulative abusive terriority
Like spring fayre red buntings galore.

She knows your a soft touch,

you are easily manipulatived she will carry on doing

this until she has her next target in mind sights an then onto another one when that sours eventually etc,

She is mistreating you badly

Treat her accordingly to the way she or anyone else treats you
Act accordingly,

I am wondering has she ever really been a good friend in the first place or is it cause of low self esteem through Shitty 💩💩💩💩 adverse experiences in life particularly in childhood,?

Has done a real number on you hence,

this is how this situation has come about,

Just like this friendship dynamic has gone off Sour and putrid...
It's envitable sooner or later this will happen in a situation like this,

I would question really if a good friend of yours,
had told 🤔 about she had someone like this in her life
What advice would you give her ?

Your 'idea' was not better.

Btw - people you lie to know you're lying...and as much as they may swallow your pish to avoid conflict, they think you're weak and self-serving.

Try standing up for yourself in a mature, honest manner instead of inventing rubbish.

An (ex) best friend of mine tried this crap on me. I wfh and have no kids so she thought she would help me to change my selfish ways and land me with her childcare. I have had a tough childhood and sacrificed a lot for the life I have so I just said no. She didn’t like it and flounced away from the friendship. Good riddance.

she now has another best friend, a really lovely woman who is at her beck and call for childcare, money lending and other cf demands.

Well done!

You are raging about something you are choosing to do.

I’m not surprised to be honest. It was a really unkind message where you judged a scrip per her apart. You absolutely shouldn’t be doing it but that wasn’t the way to tell her.

Hopefully she will come back and apologise even if she's upset by your message. It is very hard when you are struggling for childcare support but if that arises because you've chosen not to spend money on the appropriate care then that's your own decision and your own fault. You can't expect others to bail you out except in an emergency.

How long has she been back at work managing working full time with a one year old?

Surely that isn't sustainable and she must be well aware of this?

If I received your message it would take a little time to digest. The bit about calling their child a nightmare, I know that's not exactly what you meant but it's how it may be perceived. Also the way you've broken down what you have done and how much it's costing you could be seen as too much information when less words may have done. However. You have clearly been taken advantage of and sometimes that bearing around the bush approach just dormant land the message as intended.

I hope your friend takes the message as intended, sorts childcare, perhaps offers you a peace offering to thank you for your help so far and that you both move on with your friendship.

Wow. What a cheek

also how anyone can wfh with a 13 month old is beyond me. I thought companies were clamping down more on this now

In my recent experience (where i exploded after being left with two demanding kids until after 8pm with basically no warning, the last of a few long, tedious, no-reciprocated days with extra kids) setting a boundary like this is not well received. But it's also meant I am no longer providing free childcare services that I really had no capacity for, and feeling increasingly resentful, so it was worth it.