To think my best friend is taking the piss

She’s probably busy trying to arrange emergency childcare with someone else. Giving up your day off was huge, they are so rare to have a child free day, I can understand why you got frustrated. Hopefully she’s taking some time to digest it. I am concerned about her youngest being cared for whilst they wfh, but this is not your problem.

She DID get childcare! For free...YOU! What's the point of paying for childcare if you have your mug of a friend to do it for free...genius!
You may be her friend but she is obviously no friend of yours....

I’ll never forget the thread about the CFers who'd asked the OP if she would have their DC on the first Monday of the school hols – then decided that meant she'd have them every single day for the entire six weeks. From 6am to 2pm! They were hilariously outraged when she said no.

I was just thinking about that too, @Bookmark1111 ! I think it was that thread that spawned the WorkZilla epithet. If I remember correctly, in that one the OP’s DH finally sorted it; told them he worked really hard so that his wife could be at home with his kids and he wasn’t prepared to come home every night to find their son in his house.

This is what it boils down to: the fact that you don’t work or work less doesn’t mean your time isn’t valuable. In fact, there’s an opportunity cost to that time (as you could be using it to earn money, but are choosing to use it to spend time with your own kids). Your friend is using that tIme to earn money - but she’s not giving you any of that money, or treating you with it. So it’s just disrespectful of her to keep imposing on you. I’d say no every time outside a genuine emergency (eg someone being in hospital, not having failed to book a childminder!). Good for you for sending your message.

Great message OP. 👏

C’mon though, she’s got the hide of a Rhino. She’s taking the piss with her employer by working from home whilst looking after the baby and decided that you can plug the gap for childminding when she’s got to work in the office.

She can save £££’s on childcare costs at your expense. She’s definitely no friend because what does she bring into your life other than added stress?

She’s not replied to your message because she’s too busy begging ‘a favour’ off another school mum and probably telling them that you’ve let her down at very short notice.

That sort will always spin the story so that she’s never to blame for the pickle she’s in, so I think you need to be wary of other people getting the wrong end of the stick and thinking you’re the one being flaky.

We wouldn’t have half as many post on AIBU if people ( mostly women) would just learn to say no!

Just RTWT and was hoping she had replied by now!
Your message was spot on, friends don’t take advantage like that.
I hope she replies with a huge apology.

Well done OP, thats a great message and hits just the right tone.

This is why companies are trying their hardest to get people back to working in the office.

It's people who take massive advantage of not being in an office environment that are making it harder and harder for the rest of the working population who have found that working from home to be equally if not more productive for them (and their business/company) to remain working from home for as long as it is possible.

It needed to be said. You said it. You could have given excuses, lied, whatever but she wouldn’t have given up as they desperately need you and banked on being able to USE YOU and your friendship. Friends don’t treat each other like that. She pushed you stopped rolling over. They won’t be happy and may be panicking because but your life will be better for being minus her, and father of the kids, not taking responsibility and most likely feeling smug that they’re getting all that childcare free and easily. Wishing you well findingthisweekhard As an aside what did your sister say when you turned up with your ‘friend’s’ child?

Time to tell her that your reduced hours are not working out as you had planned and you're actually considering approaching your manager to get back to being a full time employee and the sooner the better. Tell her that her failure to arrange suitable and appropriate childcare is not your job to fix for her. That is not her being a friend, that is her being a massive CFker!!!

Actually, if you know that the text/email is going to be landing in your mailbox, you could preempt it and get in there first saying "Hi CFker friend, I'm just letting you know that I'm no longer available for your childcare requirements. I didn't take a reduction in my salary (and pension when it comes to it) to just be your childcare. Please make alternative arrangements and set up permanent childcare arrangements elsewhere."

Someone like this is not the type of "friend" that I'd like in my life - all take and very very very little give.

I know it was hard, but really well done. For context I was once in a similar situation. A friend was going through a difficult divorce, so I had her boys after school. This became 3x a week. Then 6-8 weeks a years so she could keep her job but not hire a nanny; then a further couple of weeks when her mum was ill (and dying) in France. Apart from the odd bottle of wine as a thank you, I never took a penny from her. It went on for 4 years.

them my eldest was diagnosed with autism after lots of distressing incidents at school and home and I asked her to explore with her boss more WFH/less travel as I wasn;t sure it ws fair on my child in the circumstances to have her boys with us so permanently whilst she was going through a MH crisis. I also felt it wasn;t fair on her boys to risk her having an incident while they were staying.

She had a strop about ‘this coming out of the blue’ (it hadn’t, she’d literally said that ‘if it was getting too much she’d speak to her boss). 6 weeks later we went into lock down. I never heard from her again. NOT ONE SINGLE TEXT during the following years to check on my child’s wellbeing. Or mine.

I’d never do it again, even though I know I have her boys 4 years of stability. It was her job to sort it out and, I have to say, even typing this message I am welling up as I a still so very, very hurt by the fact that, really, she couldn’t give a fuck about me and my kids. I was free, safe and met her needs.

Stay strong. And I hope that if for any reason your friendship hoes pear-shaped, that you can focus on your children and other friends in stead.

I think your message was good. It’s a shame it came to that but unlike so many posters I would not be so quick to write her off as a good friend even if her response or lack of doesn’t fit the bill of what you or people on here expect.
Good friends in life are not hanging off trees and if you have been friends for years then keep some context on this, yes totally cheeky behaviour but actually you could have said no to these requests from the start even if it meant fibbing about plans.

You probably won't get a reply. Presumably she's highly embarrassed. Some people lash out defensively when they're embarrassed, instead of apologising. You'll know soon enough which option she chooses. You've done nothing wrong.

Good for you, OP. It takes guts to stand up to a CF friend, especially when its DC-related. I'll never forget the thread about the CFers who'd asked the OP if she would have their DC on the first Monday of the school hols – then decided that meant she'd have them every single day for the entire six weeks. From 6am to 2pm! They were hilariously outraged when she said no.

Good for you OP, that was a great message! I hope she replies with 'you're right, I'm sorry' but something tells me she won't.

I hope that you get a reasonable response, OP. If not, then I guess you at least know where you stand!

I’m glad you’ve messaged her and told her. I wouldn’t have said being with her child was a nightmare though, I’d be upset if someone said that to me. On your day off you should of just said ‘sorry I can’t I’ve got plans’.

Has she got back yet?

amazingly well done @Findingthisweekhard that took some serious strength. You are protecting your boundaries and being authentic. It’s not my place but I am so proud of you

Well done OP. Has she seen the message?

She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.

Wow!

I mean that was a reason to never give childcare if ever there was one!

That's a lot for her to take in, she's probs fuming but needed to hear it. It might take her a while to cool off before she responds to you.

Tell her you’re sorry if this feels a bit awkward but you’ve been really struggling with anxiety and stress lately. You’ve spoken to your GP and she asked you about your set up at home. The first thing she advised was for you to place boundaries and to focus only on your immediate family. Tell her she was shocked you’d had her baby on your day off and this mustn’t happen again. GPs orders I’m afraid. Might be easier conversation saying it came from your GP.

Your GP appt is also the reason you can’t help this week.

I had a friend like this. Makes you feel like you’re tight when you’re actually a giving person but some people take the piss. Give them your hand and they take your arm.

You will feel amazing when you have drawn your boundaries. 💪

I think it was an ok message. She’s taken the piss. I suspect she’ll either ghost you and tell all and sundry how you’d left her completely in the shit or still ask ‘it really is an emergency’ with full on sobbing. Hopefully she’ll reflect and realise she’s taken the piss but unlikely.

I'm not sure I'd have lectured her on sorting her arrangements out, better to have kept to the I language about what you were prepared to do, as I think that may get her back up unnecessarily high, which if you value the friendship you'd want to avoid. I think you were right to tell her though. She is in the wrong here, and if it wasn't addressed it would have ruined the friendship anyway, so at least this is a shot as resolving things.

I would never have agreed to take on someone else’s child on my day off. Especially when I had already made arrangements for my own DC to be with a childminder. Especially for a one year old, who is going to need a lot of care throughout the day.
I love my grandchildren to bits but I’d be hesitant to even take one of them on a day off if I needed downtime. Why on earth did you let yourself be talked into that and give up your day off? I’d rather be in work than babysit someone else’s baby for the entire day.

YNBU at all. Don’t give in for single more day for her.