Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my best friend is taking the piss

509 replies

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 14:59

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 22/05/2024 09:21

Great message. Just to note lax was probably the word you were looking for rather than lapse, though I'm sure your "BFF" will get the meaning.

Bellaboo01 · 22/05/2024 09:20

Did she reply?

Do you think it might have been nicer to just say when she messages you next time to ask to look after her kids/pick up etc:

'Hi, no i wont be able to collect/look after yours. Lets meet up soon though'?

Sleepismyfavourite · 22/05/2024 09:20

Well done OP. I expect it will take a while for your friend to respond & she will be feeling bruised & hopefully a bit ashamed of her actions. It may affect your friendship from now on but I would question how good a friend she is when she is taking advantage of you in this way. I only mention as I know when I have asserted boundaries with friends it’s never been quite the same again but at the same time it couldn’t have carried on how it was either.

shearwater2 · 22/05/2024 09:17

I wouldn't have said yes on my day off.

Cotonsugar · 22/05/2024 09:13

Fontainebleau007 · 21/05/2024 15:17

I've been in a similar situation before with a friend who took a job and just thought because our children are in the same class that I would be her childminder. (She didn't even discuss it with me beforehand!) I did it for a while but in the end I just had to learn to stand up and say no more. I didn't mind occasionally but it ended up near every day!

Please stand up for yourself and tell her, it's her responsibility to find proper childcare.

This happened to me. As soon as she started questioning my plans for the summer holidays and dropping it in that it would be a lovely idea for our children to spend a couple of weeks together five days a week, I made my excuses and funnily enough, she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I’d been duped into a friendship while she checked me out as a potential childminder. She moved on to another friend who fell for it.

Thursdaygirl · 22/05/2024 09:12

Shamelessly following to see how the CF replies!!!

BusyMummy001 · 22/05/2024 09:05

AhNowTed · 22/05/2024 08:45

@BusyMummy001

That's terrible but sadly all too bloody common.

It's horrible to feel so used, but it just reflects so well on you that you're a decent human being, and so badly on her that she would take advantage of your nature.. and then (as all users do) rather than show gratitude, actually EXPECTS it.

Yes, I think (from MN and chatting other mugs like me) I’ve worked out that it is an all too common thing. So many CF’s out there parading as needy BFFs!

I really hope OP is able to step back and has supportive alternative friends to be there for her - and wish I’d known about MN all those years ago as it might have made me realise sooner that I was being used and encouraged me to act sooner!

OP is a kind and loyal friend and should hold her head up high. This situation is of her friend’s making.

Lsquiggles · 22/05/2024 09:03

I think what you sent was a very fair and considerate message. If she's a real friend she will understand and apologise for taking advantage.

Skyedancer · 22/05/2024 08:56

TheMerryWindow · 22/05/2024 08:55

Agree! But I'm also massively guilty of this. Why do we find it so hard?😕

Show quote history

We’re conditioned to be nice and kind and not rock the boat.

Ive put a stop to my people pleasing and it’s made me much less resentful all round

Skyedancer · 22/05/2024 08:55

I can’t believe her cheek!

Well done for messaging!

if I had my twins in childcare there’s no way I’d be looking after someone else’s kid unless it was an emergency. Not bothering to stump up for nursery is not an emergency!

TheMerryWindow · 22/05/2024 08:55

Tlolljs · 22/05/2024 08:21

We wouldn’t have half as many post on AIBU if people ( mostly women) would just learn to say no!

Agree! But I'm also massively guilty of this. Why do we find it so hard?😕

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/05/2024 08:54

Oh just saw your message, that’s perfect! I suspect that as with many CFs she feels entitled to use you and will throw her toys out of the pram… or she will withdraw and find another person to target with her cheeky fuckery :( Sorry that you’ve had to put up with this, what’s wrong with people!

Pinkypinkyplonk · 22/05/2024 08:52

👏 👏👏 @Findingthisweekhard

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/05/2024 08:51

I can’t believe you paid for your kids to go to childcare to give you a day off and ended up minding her kid!! Speechless

There are 2 issues - you’d probably be ok picking her kid up from school sometimes if she wasn’t taking the piss on other areas.

I would text her to say:

X, I’ve been thinking back on it and asking me to childmind your baby on my day off really upset me. I told you I had plans and your messages made me feel like I had no choice. You have decided to work full-time and you really need to sort out formal childcare for when you go to the office. I cannot be your formal childcare solution, although as a friend I would of course help out in an emergency, as I am sure you would for me.

Iamawomenphenominally · 22/05/2024 08:50

Good for you op. Your message is very reasonable and it's up to her now how she wants to react, and if she reacts badly it's no reflection on you.

flyingwingsabove · 22/05/2024 08:50

Good message to send her OP. Hopefully
you get a good response.

Toxicinlawz · 22/05/2024 08:46

@Findingthisweekhard op... any news? 😯

AhNowTed · 22/05/2024 08:45

@BusyMummy001

That's terrible but sadly all too bloody common.

It's horrible to feel so used, but it just reflects so well on you that you're a decent human being, and so badly on her that she would take advantage of your nature.. and then (as all users do) rather than show gratitude, actually EXPECTS it.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/05/2024 08:43

I'm older and my DC grown up now but I still remember how some women started cultivating me as a friend, as it transpired ultimately with the aim of palming their kids off on me for free childcare in the school holidays.

I'm a very trusting person, too trusting really, it took me a long time to realise some people are just Takers in life. Not that I'm much better at spotting them coming these days, but I realise quicker. I wouldn't be surprised if she stops being so friendly once you say no and stop being her free childcare, in which case you'll soon learn if she's only there for what favours she can get from you.

rookiemere · 22/05/2024 08:41

BusyMummy001 · 22/05/2024 08:08

I know it was hard, but really well done. For context I was once in a similar situation. A friend was going through a difficult divorce, so I had her boys after school. This became 3x a week. Then 6-8 weeks a years so she could keep her job but not hire a nanny; then a further couple of weeks when her mum was ill (and dying) in France. Apart from the odd bottle of wine as a thank you, I never took a penny from her. It went on for 4 years.

them my eldest was diagnosed with autism after lots of distressing incidents at school and home and I asked her to explore with her boss more WFH/less travel as I wasn;t sure it ws fair on my child in the circumstances to have her boys with us so permanently whilst she was going through a MH crisis. I also felt it wasn;t fair on her boys to risk her having an incident while they were staying.

She had a strop about ‘this coming out of the blue’ (it hadn’t, she’d literally said that ‘if it was getting too much she’d speak to her boss). 6 weeks later we went into lock down. I never heard from her again. NOT ONE SINGLE TEXT during the following years to check on my child’s wellbeing. Or mine.

I’d never do it again, even though I know I have her boys 4 years of stability. It was her job to sort it out and, I have to say, even typing this message I am welling up as I a still so very, very hurt by the fact that, really, she couldn’t give a fuck about me and my kids. I was free, safe and met her needs.

Stay strong. And I hope that if for any reason your friendship hoes pear-shaped, that you can focus on your children and other friends in stead.

I'm so sorry, what a horrible way to be treated. I don't know how some people manage to look at themselves in a mirror.
I suspect in this case, she was the permanent victim which justified the free childcare, your DC being diagnosed with autism spoiled that narrative so she just ignored it.

Highfivemum · 22/05/2024 08:33

i am on maternity at the moment and a couple of times I have had my friends little one but that was because I offered as she was struggling. No way did she ask or expect it. She even offered to pay which I declined. That is a friend. You help each other out when needed but not be used. You are being used. Speak up.

Resilience · 22/05/2024 08:32

Trickabrick · 21/05/2024 15:56

I’d say something like “I really think you’ll have to sort your childcare situation out. I love your kids but you’ve asked me to have them X times over the past month and I am starting to feel like your childminder! I’m happy to help out in a real emergency but I’m afraid I don’t want the commitment of regularly stepping in for you when you’re choosing not to make use of wraparound care.”

This.

She may not have really thought about the impact on you and may be mistakenly thinking that you don't mind because you've never said no and seem to like being around children. Some people just lurch from one crisis to the next with childcare. You need to put it under a spotlight.

If she's a true friend you're likely to get a bit of radio silence followed by an eventual apology and the friendship continues. If she's a genuine CF she'll get angry and either try to wear you down, go off on one or drop you. In which case she's not a true friend. Either way, while the pushback may feel uncomfortable for you, either outcome is actually a win when you think about it.

If you're really really bad at being assertive you could preface it by saying how worried you are about her stress levels with having to sort out all these last minute childcare issues a day that's why she needs to get something more formal organised. You can then say that's why you did as you did to make the point you've not sorted it for yourself only to put yourself back into last-minute plan changes for her DC. Personally I wouldn't (short and clear is best) but it's a strategy if you're so bad at this sort of thing you won't do it unless you have a gentler lead in.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/05/2024 08:31

I think your message @Findingthisweekhard is probably one of the best "No, you have to make alternative arrangements" messages I've read on MN in years. Well done and I for one can't wait to see what her response is.

BusyMum47 · 22/05/2024 08:28

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 19:31

“this is a really awkward conversation but it needs to be said. I’m feeling a bit put out by all the help with x & y recently. I’ve taken a big pay cut to drop to part time to do some school runs and spend time with the kids, and we pay over £800 a month for the childminder for the twins for my work hours so I know they are well cared for, having fun and I can do my job properly. I do feel like you’ve taken advantage of my new routine and you’ve been a bit lapse with your childcare arrangements for x and y, relying on me to bail you out but it’s becoming a regular thing and I’m still really disappointed about my day off the other week when the twins were with the childminder but I had y for you and it was a total nightmare. I’m not going to be able to help anymore and I think it would be good for you and the kids to get in to a stable routine! Here’s the link to book afterschool club xxx. I’d be happy to book dd in for x’s first session so she has a familiar face. I’m sure if you speak to my childminder in the morning on the school run she can ask around to help you find a space for y. I know you’ll be disappointed but I really think we need a boundary to protect our friendship, we were friends for so many years before we had kids, let’s not let childcare be the reason for falling out xx”

holding breath waiting for a reply

@Findingthisweekhard

Brilliantly worded! ⬆️

SundayTulips · 22/05/2024 08:28

SheerLucks · 21/05/2024 23:51

Your friend is taking ridiculous advantage of you!

If you want to avoid conflict just make something up - like you've had extra work given to you/need to cover for long-term sick leave etc.

The volume of lies this will take to maintain would be too much. Especially if the OP is collecting her child from school. It’s far more grown up to communicate the real reason than keep up a pretence.