To think my best friend is taking the piss

Findingthisweekhard · 2024-05-21T13:59:46+00:00

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time. She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it. Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable. shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage. ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs. she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

Whitste · 11/08/2024 15:39

As I been in this exact situation, so I know how difficult it is, but ultimately, you need to stop doing this NOW. She will be counting all her money she has saved over the years and laughing all the way to the bank.
My friend took the p* on multiple occasions and seldom returned the favour in my hour of need - and when they did, if I dared to be 15 minutes late, I was greeted by a multitude of texts asking where I was!
They even had the audacity to send their child with no snacks, nappies, drinks and expected me to provide this too.
The nail in the coffin was when they expected me to pick up shopping because they hadn't the time to do it. I remember picking a small amount of provisions and never saw the money for it.
Even if she does fall out with you, it'll be a blinking relief to have this toxic person out of your life!

Goodtogossip · 04/06/2024 13:15

Learn to say 'No' as hard as it is you can't carry on doing this as it will, in the long run, affect your friendship with her. Explain that you understand she has childcare issues but she needs to sort a more permanent solution as you're not wanting to give up your days off or time with your own family after school looking after her kids. Tell her you now have plans to go out straight from the school run so picking her child up isn't possible anymore. When she asks about watching her little one while you're not at work tell her you have appointments all day & can't take children with you. Have excused ready before she asks so you're not put on the spot. hopefully she'll realise soon you're no longer going to be a push over & sort her own childcare out long term.

pictoosh · 26/05/2024 08:21

I think that posters here would pick apart and find fault with any response no matter what.

Personally, I think it's a good reply...much better than anticipated.

aloris · 25/05/2024 20:08

Yeah, I think people are right. It's the brazenness and selfishness of imposing on your day off when you had taken the day off work and so carefully planned and paid for childcare for your own kids for that day. It's just very self-absorbed on her part, and I bet she neither paid for the day's childcare for your older kids that you had paid for but didn't get to benefit from, nor paid for the childcare that you provided her, nor the day's work that you so uselessly missed. If she were truly sorry she would have made you whole by paying for ALL those things so you could replace the day with another, but the fact that she didn't, is probably because she actually isn't sorry. She just wants to keep you sweet so you'll keep doing her free childcare.

Riverlee · 24/05/2024 13:50

Have you heard from ‘friend’ since?

whynotwhatknot · 24/05/2024 12:59

i dont like sorry you feel like that its not an apolgy

work out how much it will cost to have a baby an factor it in dont dump your kids on soneone else

IncompleteSenten · 24/05/2024 06:46

Jhgdsd · 23/05/2024 21:42

Agree. That was a very carefully judged response from someone who is a calculated user, whom doesn't have an ounce of respect for the OP.

Show quote history

I agree.

I also now understand why there are so many cf's out there and people getting away with all kinds of shit.

People are just too nice and trusting.

It will be interesting to see friend's response now that op has failed to comfort and reassure her and agree to carry on helping until 'september'.

gamerchick · 23/05/2024 23:14

Findingthisweekhard · 22/05/2024 13:20

“you sound really pissed off. I just thought we could make do until September (to get the funding for y) with some help from friends and family but that was so stupid, im doing work and mumming badly. You’ve obviously done way more than you were comfortable with so sorry you feel like I’ve taken the piss. I do really appreciate your help. I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!! It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full. I’m a twat. I should have taken the space. Now it’s even more of a mess!!!! I’m going to try and sort childcare and flexible working asap. Can I take you to spa? We can have a wine and laugh about how naive I was

**changed a few identifying details but obvs if she reads this she will know it’s her anyway!

Next up. You'll be offering to do childcare because it's just until September... Be ready for feeling like that.

Jhgdsd · 23/05/2024 21:42

TomatoSandwiches · 23/05/2024 20:50

There's a lot of anger in her response back to you op, she took her time to craft a message back that looks otherwise but it's not, it's no apology either, she isn't a true friend, sorry.

Agree. That was a very carefully judged response from someone who is a calculated user, whom doesn't have an ounce of respect for the OP.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/05/2024 20:50

There's a lot of anger in her response back to you op, she took her time to craft a message back that looks otherwise but it's not, it's no apology either, she isn't a true friend, sorry.

CorpusInterruptus · 23/05/2024 18:03

Toptops · 23/05/2024 16:40

Why are you agreeing to do this?

She’s not, that’s the point of the thread.

MsFogi · 23/05/2024 17:08

I keep returning to this thread because it is simply extraordinary that anyone would think that they could get others (friends or family) to provide free childcare for months on end (particularly when they have had the possibility of a nursery place and they have not asked them to do so/offered any payment).

One thought OP - when you say your 'best friend' do you mean a friend you have known since school/uni/forever and have been through thick and thin with and who has helped you a gazillion times in the past? Or, do you mean another mum you have met as a result of your daughters being in the same class, who is really lovely and seems to have turned into a great friend over just a few years? If the latter, be aware that there are many mums who will be super friendly/seem like a great friend (potentially for years) in order to use you for childcare/lifts for children, pump you for info on 11+/tutors/school stuff etc etc but mysteriously become more of an acquaintance when your dds are in secondary school/go off to uni/no longer need work experience (depending on how useful you are). Always remember your priority is your family when making decisions and particularly when you need to say 'no'. It may turn out that these mum friends become 'best friends for life even after children' but it may also turn out that they don't so I wouldn't be busting a gut for them if there isn't a balance in the given and take.

PennyPugwash · 23/05/2024 17:07

shenandoahvalley · 23/05/2024 14:04

I appreciate this post isn't necessary, but I can't stop thinking about the brazenness of a situation where one person has made sacrifices to ensure the best outcome for their family, and out of a reduced income nonetheless pays for childcare for a precious single day of peace; while a second person maintains a higher income because she planned for family and friends to look after her children for free so she could work, deliberately choosing not to pay any money for childcare notwithstanding her FT wage, and then uses the first person's precious day of peace that she paid for out of her reduced income as childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage. Not to mention the utter piss take of "working" from home with a 1yo around.

The first person basically paid money out of a reduced wage to look after someone else's miserable, teething child for free, while that person earned money for her own pocket and kept it all. Meanwhile, first person's DC weren't even in their own home or with their own parents that day.

The sheer entitlement and mercenary attitude towards other people is really, really shocking to me. I don't know a single person IRL who would do this. I just can't believe it.

You are absolutely spot on

Jhgdsd · 23/05/2024 16:57

I cannot think of a single person who would do this, similarly I cannot imagine anyone I know accepting this.....much less with TWINS.
She is utterly shameless.
She hasn't an ounce of respect or genuine affection for the OP, she couldn't have and treat her thus.

Toptops · 23/05/2024 16:40

Why are you agreeing to do this?

Thursdaygirl · 23/05/2024 15:26

I appreciate this post isn't necessary, but I can't stop thinking about the brazenness of a situation where one person has made sacrifices to ensure the best outcome for their family, and out of a reduced income nonetheless pays for childcare for a precious single day of peace; while a second person maintains a higher income because she planned for family and friends to look after her children for free so she could work, deliberately choosing not to pay any money for childcare notwithstanding her FT wage, and then uses the first person's precious day of peacethat she paid for out of her reduced incomeas childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage. Not to mention the utter piss take of "working" from home with a 1yo around.

I can't argue with that

WimpoleHat · 23/05/2024 15:19

uses the first person's precious day of peace that she paid for out of her reduced income as childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage.

That’s it in a nutshell - really well put.

shenandoahvalley · 23/05/2024 14:04

I appreciate this post isn't necessary, but I can't stop thinking about the brazenness of a situation where one person has made sacrifices to ensure the best outcome for their family, and out of a reduced income nonetheless pays for childcare for a precious single day of peace; while a second person maintains a higher income because she planned for family and friends to look after her children for free so she could work, deliberately choosing not to pay any money for childcare notwithstanding her FT wage, and then uses the first person's precious day of peace that she paid for out of her reduced income as childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage. Not to mention the utter piss take of "working" from home with a 1yo around.

The first person basically paid money out of a reduced wage to look after someone else's miserable, teething child for free, while that person earned money for her own pocket and kept it all. Meanwhile, first person's DC weren't even in their own home or with their own parents that day.

The sheer entitlement and mercenary attitude towards other people is really, really shocking to me. I don't know a single person IRL who would do this. I just can't believe it.

Sunnyandsilly · 23/05/2024 13:17

Newestname002 · 23/05/2024 11:32

@Findingthisweekhard

It's great your friend gave you an apology of sorts and she's offered to take you for a spa day. Don't let your guard down too far though until you see how the how her new arrangements regarding her childcare works out. Remember that she just assumed you'd carry on the same level of childcare for her child until September with no discussion or agreement from you. Also she said this ⬇️

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full.

Be prepared. 🌹

That’s what I thought, I mean if you’re really sorry and heard what the op was saying you’d not be saying oh but the child minder is full and I was just hoping till sept.

Newestname002 · 23/05/2024 11:32

@Findingthisweekhard

It's great your friend gave you an apology of sorts and she's offered to take you for a spa day. Don't let your guard down too far though until you see how the how her new arrangements regarding her childcare works out. Remember that she just assumed you'd carry on the same level of childcare for her child until September with no discussion or agreement from you. Also she said this ⬇️

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full.

Be prepared. 🌹

pollymere · 23/05/2024 10:39

Organise playdates for your own child. If she asks you to have 1 y/o say unfortunately you have an appointment where you can't take children. You'll find it easier to say no if you are less available.

When I organised with my friend to pick mine up I paid them the going childminder rate.

diddl · 23/05/2024 09:49

I mean to me an apology would be something like.

"Sorry, you're right, I've asked too much of you. Thank you for everything that you've done"

OriginalUsername2 · 23/05/2024 08:59

MsFogi · 22/05/2024 19:35

This is how I read your CF's message OP (whilst all the time having a vision of Anne in Motherland running around for Amanda):

you sound really pissed off. - making you sound a bit unreasonable

I just thought we could make do until September = I thought I'd get away with using you until September, does the 'we' mean you and her as this great friendship team (where you do all the helping out)

(to get the funding for y) = link it to something that may or may not actually work out but deflect the ownership of taking the piss from your 'friend' onto the need to wait for fuding (note everyone else has to do the same so it's irrelevant)

with some help from friends and family = surely you are a friend so you'd offer (and continue to offer 'some' help?

but that was so stupid, im doing work and mumming badly. - Interesting use of I (rather than 'we' now), gives you a prompt to say you're not stupid/mumming badly and be a helpful friend by supporting her in her time of feeling so stupid and having a 'mumming badly' crisis because surely as a friend that's what you'd do?

You’ve obviously done way more than you were comfortable with = pretending that you had offered to do something but have now done more than you intended and making you sound a bit unreasonable because it's just more than 'you' were 'comfortable' with rather than her taking the piss

so sorry you feel like - non apology, puts it on you rather than her

I’ve taken the piss. - harsh description of herself so that a good friend likes you feels guilted into saying 'oh no you haven't taken the piss' (and then gets asked to do a 'few' more favours)

I do really appreciate your help. - I'd bloody hope so!!! No points for this statement that was easy to make and also 'gives' you appreciation so that you may feel obligation in return

I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!! - she didn't ruin your day it was y who did that and let's make it a bit jokey with all those exclamation marks!!!

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full. - poor me! Any friend is surely going to want to help a friend who is sharing how hard all this is (on top of feeling so stupid and mumming badly)

I’m a twat. I should have taken the space. Now it’s even more of a mess!!!! - more guilt layered on - surely as a friend you're going to need to offer words of comfort to your friend in need and then she'll ask for some help and because you offered words of comfort you will need to follow the logic and help (it's a classic sales/manipulation technique to get people tied into their logic so they end up doing stuff they don't want to do)

I’m going to try and sort childcare and flexible working asap. - really? when? No mention of what she's going to do for childcare in the meanwhile I suspect she's going to need to 'make do with some help from friends and family' because surely any friend would help out whilst she's 'trying' and feeling like a twat/it's so hard/feeling so stupid etc etc

Can I take you to spa? - so that I can create an obligation on you to be a good friend and help whilst I'm 'trying' to sort childcare out. Even offering creates a sense of obligation (again a classic manipulation/sales technique). And a spa really suggests that you're good friends so such a good friend would surely continue to help out a friend who is feeling so awful?

We can have a wine and laugh about how naive I was - feeling 'naive' any good friend is going to have to help her out with how bad she's feeling....

Shit. I think you’re right.

I read the message and got all happy for them. I thought I was good at bs detection!

needsomeadvice22 · 23/05/2024 08:28

She's softening you up in hope you'll agree till September. Don't fool for it.

Thursdaygirl · 23/05/2024 08:19

I can’t decide whether the response is a bit hollow or not - it’s clear she knew darn fine that offloading a teething child to someone on their day off is a shitty thing to do - but I just hope the requests stop, and stay stopped.