AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

Result for MIL then isn't it

And rocking baby in one arm while hauling a screaming kicking toddler who you are trying to get dressed in the other? I'm impressed.33 years of dealing with kids and I couldn't do that

Newborns actually learn to regulate their breathing and body temperature by sleeping on/near their mother, they have evolved to need this. Look at other primates, they don’t just stick them in a tree and leave them alone. Why would someone have a mental breakdown from spending too much time with their baby? It’s what most mums are programmed to want to do. The difficulty is in expecting women to carry on getting all the ‘stuff’ done when they should be able to just focus on caring for their baby.

Not suited to everyone, or actually to most, few baby wear.

Do you recommend getting food out of an oven or straining boiling water while wearing?

The periods of time that the OP has mentioned are both so short, I don't see why the MIL couldn't just stay with the baby. Especially in that second scenario where he was wide awake.

I'd be a bit concerned with leaving him when he's older and weaning etc. it sounds like she'll do things her way instead of what you ask.

Unkind much?

I managed not to leave my 12 week old alone whilst looking after my toddler.

The baby just comes with you around the house and you learn quickly how to rock a baby whilst playing games with/comforting/getting a snack for your older child.

I don't think this is a new concept, is it? My mum talks about taking me room to room with her whilst she cleaned back in the 90's.

I think everyone parents differently and that’s fine. However, I think if you are looking after someone else’s child, then you should follow what they ask you to do. @blueyavocado if MIL can’t do this then she doesn’t look after baby.

Thank you @shenandoahvalley for bringing the stats. I agree that this guidance for carers to stay with their baby even during naps may do as much harm as good, because of the effects on the mental health of the carer.

For many, naptime may be the only break they get all day. I would have lost my mind if I couldn't have had some time to myself during nap times.

@shenandoahvalley where have I been denigrating others? Someone asked for some stats and I gave them.

I feel the same and said people shouldn't be made to feel bad for following guidelines. Of course they also shouldn't be made to feel bad for not.

I admit, I took umbrage to the 'my kids all slept by themselves and were fine' posts because that's not what anyone is saying. Not one person has said your baby WILL die if they nap alone so I find those responses really frustrating.

I think you parent how suits you, and don't be nasty and judgemental to other new parents who are trying their best.

We have a small house, all on one level. So when she slept I also did other things, I hopped in the shower, checked on her. Ran the vacuum round, checked on her. Folded the washing, washed up, cooked dinner etc. but checked on her regularly.

Other new mums don't feel as comfortable doing that until baby is bigger and they're confident they'll be ok. And that is ok too, if that's what works for them. They can still do other things, but in that room.

Why do any of us have the right to judge their methods?

You pop them in a sling. Am doing exactly that with my baby and toddler ☺️

You don’t think it’s more safe for a child to have a mum who hasn’t had a nervous breakdown from a sheer lack of a break? When my child was asleep I had a shower, dried my hair, made a cuppa, loaded the dishwasher. All without them in the room cause any of the above would have woken them. And guess what being clean with a tidy house made me - and so many other mums - feel so much better! Happier! More prepared for the day ahead!

After all if you are full on cuddling when they are awake, when do you get the slightest thing done?

The reduction in SIDS is excellent but we really need to see these stats broken down for them to be at all meaningful. How many babies lives have been saved by no overheating / back to sleep / no smoking etc? I’d imagine loads. But how many were saved by someone being in the same room as a baby? I can’t imagine any!

I had my baby just over two years ago. The guidance was "tucked in" as in swaddled and not loose. I took OPs comment to mean that, but I can see how if you've not been a new mum recently it might sound wrong.

The way you are responding to people though is as if you're suggesting anyone who follows any current guidance is dramatic and stupid. Do you have children? Do you remember how much you worry about whether you're doing things right in those early months? Do you know how many people tell you that you should be doing one thing or that you can't do another. Or that this is a risk, that's a risk, this will hurt your baby, that might kill them if they do xyz.

Try being nice and helpful instead of angry and mean.

Quoting you but replying also to others who comment in a similar vein: the opprobrium and frankly even sanctimony from those who are beating the “but it saves so many lives” drum: your fervour is out of all proportion with fact. There is a difference between causation and correlation. Correlation is all we have for now. And that’s fine, but that’s all it is. There’s no certainty around this. It’s simply not possible to say “if I do this, then that will happen”.

Furthermore (and sadly anyone who’s had to deal with statistics in the medical field will know this): I’m out and on my phone so can’t pull up the exact stats but the percentage decrease on which you seem to hang your hat is akin to 0.03% likely to occur to your baby than 0.02%. When you count actual humans the percentage is different - lies, damned lies and statistics.

Each baby matters, of course it does. But it’s important to weigh this up against the impact of being physically present with the same demanding human being 24/7 for 6 months, when you’re at what could be your lowest. There’s no need for denigrating those who don’t follow “guidelines”, to shout you’re doing the safest thing and that by implication those who don’t, aren’t. I’m saying nobody actually knows for sure that you are, and if you are there are many much more probable factors in life that can invalidate that choice when considering what’s best for the baby.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos but OP was cross because the blanket was chucked and thrown on the baby and she wants it tucked in?

Is that guidance?

Should the baby have a blanket at all?

Is the blanket safer being loose or tucked in?

What's the guidance?

Sorry, this is unrealistic.

I believe you should be laying the baby to sleep on its back (this lowers the risk of SIDS) .. but to think for every nap you need to be in the room .. I'm not convinced.

Nope, just the unreasonable ones!

I agree it's guidance!

So why are some dramatic mothers saying should and you can't??

That's my exact point.

Are you my SIL??

@bananaramaterry that's completely fair enough but it's all part of the picture.

The current guidance says to stay in the room when the baby sleeps. The OP has the right to follow that guidance and to ask people who care for their baby to follow the guidelines too.

You have the choice not to follow and the OP shouldn't be made to feel anxious or paranoid for making her choice.

By all means, leave your own baby alone in a room with a loose blanket then.

But stop being horrid to people who are following guidelines that are set out to keep children safe.

Everyone is just trying to look after their babies the best they can. Don't ridicule people for trying to be safe.

@bananaramaterry so would you ignore all the things they suggest?

My MIL didn’t believe DC had a milk allergy when he was six months, as that didn’t exist in her day. Meant she couldn’t have DC alone.

She also tried to suggest the rusk in the bottle with a bigger hole made in the teat, from when DC was about six weeks. DH asked her how that works when I was breastfeeding

So you don't actually know? What the actual not leaving them alone rate is?

When you do, argue the point?

Smoking
Not too hot
Sleep bags
No duvets
No cot bumpers

All contributed.