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Original poster

AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

235 replies

blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 14:17

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 22/05/2024 17:14

jannier · 21/05/2024 17:11

Why can't you put the pram together while baby carries on kicking and gurgling on the floor mat or in his cot? They don't need to be held every second tummy time is good?
Average pram is put on wheels clip on seat covers and harness

Yeah that's what I was doing and she took him away

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 22/05/2024 17:13

Wolfpa · 21/05/2024 17:00

You are setting yourself up to fail. It is OK for a baby to cry for a few minutes while you finish something off, it is ok to leave a baby on its own while you nap. It is ok to not constantly be cuddling a baby.

you can ask whoever you like to babysit just don’t be surprised that if you say no to your MIL she will say no to you when you need her.

I don't need her though

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 22/05/2024 17:13

Tdcp · 21/05/2024 16:59

OP, does your MIL leave the baby unsupervised around a dog?

Yes if baby is in a room with the door open the dog has access to the baby and that's also why I'm always nearby and if I nip to the toilet etc . I either shut the door to prevent the dog coming in or bring him with me. The dogs are very gentle with him but they are animals and it's not safe to leave him unattended

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 22/05/2024 17:11

XMissPlacedX · 21/05/2024 16:56

Babies don't need to be cuddled all the time, you will create a rod for your own back doing that. MIL obviously has experience with babies and knows what's safe ( I'm assuming your DH made it safely into adulthood). Your being a bit precious in my opinion. However, if you are a first time mum then it's understandable you are a little anxious.

He turned out just okay ish had severe asthma as a baby and was hospitalised for over a week as she smokes in the house! Has co-ordination problems as she drank and smoked during pregnancy

OP posts:
FuckOffTom · 22/05/2024 15:36

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2024 15:10

It is totally simple. Listen to how the parents want you to do it, then do what they say. Easy!

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This! I’ve no doubt that by the time I become a grandmother, guidance will have changed again. I won’t be arrogant enough to think I know better that the baby’s parents.

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2024 15:10

TizerorFizz · 21/05/2024 19:42

Makes me scared to be a grandparent! It's a minefield.

It is totally simple. Listen to how the parents want you to do it, then do what they say. Easy!

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2024 14:35

Samlewis96 · 21/05/2024 15:29

Then you don't get favours done for you. Simple

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It is not a favour if someone is mot doing things safely. I would rather not have favours that are stressful and not best practice in safety terms.

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2024 14:28

redskydarknight · 21/05/2024 14:42

I don't think you can dictate to the level of "it's not ok to put him in his Moses basket where he's perfectly happy, for a short time, so you can get on with household jobs; you must sit and cuddle him continuously".

Well, you can, but in a couple of years' time OP will be complaining that MIL never wants to babysit.

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I would never want my child being looked after by someone off painting doors and not in the room with a baby. Not sure about the blanket bit either. Perhaps op is grand with not having someone who ignores instructions not babysitting?

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/05/2024 14:04

Samlewis96 · 22/05/2024 13:26

Just an hour Sat on my backside doing nothing? Id have gone stir crazy tbh. Can't sit and watch a film due to same inability lol

Mine had the baby bouncer chairs at that age. They could see me ( and siblings) but I wasn't trapped holding them

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@SplitFountainPen

yeah just sitting there for a full hour would be boring

and babies don’t need to be held all the time

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/05/2024 14:04

Samlewis96 · 22/05/2024 13:26

Just an hour Sat on my backside doing nothing? Id have gone stir crazy tbh. Can't sit and watch a film due to same inability lol

Mine had the baby bouncer chairs at that age. They could see me ( and siblings) but I wasn't trapped holding them

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@SplitFountainPen

yeah just sitting there for a full hour would be boring

and babies don’t need to be held all the time

Samlewis96 · 22/05/2024 13:26

SplitFountainPen · 22/05/2024 12:11

Its a 12 week old baby, surely you didn't leave your 12 week old laid down alone the majority of the day?
Quite sad that you'd think it's normal to be bored after just an hour holding them.

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Just an hour Sat on my backside doing nothing? Id have gone stir crazy tbh. Can't sit and watch a film due to same inability lol

Mine had the baby bouncer chairs at that age. They could see me ( and siblings) but I wasn't trapped holding them

FuckOffTom · 22/05/2024 13:02

jannier · 22/05/2024 12:56

Out of interest how did you balance the guidance that baby is best in their own sleep space with co sleeping (which says if you absolutely must a firm surface....so mattress isn't that firm,) no duvets as they are much more likely to cover baby when your both asleep....but follow must be with an adult at all times placed with blankets tucked under arms etc? What made some guidelines more important than others?

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I had a next to me crib for the first few months and then brought him in to bed with me after that. Then I wore quite thick pyjamas, he was in a sleep suit and so I didn’t need a quilt or blanket etc

jannier · 22/05/2024 12:56

FuckOffTom · 22/05/2024 09:15

I personally did - I would actually go up an hour earlier while DH had him downstairs and chill out for a bit. He would bring him up to me (we co-slept) and I would watch TV with headphones on while he slept next to me. I didn’t mind doing this at all but it might not work for you.

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Out of interest how did you balance the guidance that baby is best in their own sleep space with co sleeping (which says if you absolutely must a firm surface....so mattress isn't that firm,) no duvets as they are much more likely to cover baby when your both asleep....but follow must be with an adult at all times placed with blankets tucked under arms etc? What made some guidelines more important than others?

SplitFountainPen · 22/05/2024 12:11

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2024 17:39

@blueyavocado

did you expect your mother in law to sit on the sofa for the full hour cuddling him whilst you had your appointment? That would be really boring and unreasonable for you to ask of her.

Its a 12 week old baby, surely you didn't leave your 12 week old laid down alone the majority of the day?
Quite sad that you'd think it's normal to be bored after just an hour holding them.

Starlight1979 · 22/05/2024 12:08

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/05/2024 11:44

@blueyavocado

maybe she didn’t wanna sit on the sofa with snacks? I wouldn’t. I like to be active

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That's what I mean! If someone asked me to babysit their child and then told me I should go and sit on the sofa with snacks and cuddle them I would tell them to fuck right off 😂You either trust me to look after your baby or you don't!

Maelil01 · 22/05/2024 11:54

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 14:19

Have you explained you are meant to be in the same room if they are napping?

What?!

FuckOffTom · 22/05/2024 11:44

Guidelines change when better/new evidence comes to light. That’s why they always evolve. You only need to keep up with latest guidance if you have a baby or are looking after one.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/05/2024 11:44

Starlight1979 · 22/05/2024 11:07

Oh Jesus. She's raised multiple children (you refer to her "boys") yet you said to her

"Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle."

I bet she really appreciated that!!! OP she's not a teenager. She clearly knows how to look after children. In future I would be grateful to have childcare and - assuming the baby is safe and warm? - keep my mouth shut on how she spends her time with baby.

@blueyavocado

maybe she didn’t wanna sit on the sofa with snacks? I wouldn’t. I like to be active

Samlewis96 · 22/05/2024 11:21

justasking111 · 22/05/2024 11:17

Granny might mean well but times change as does advice. Remember cot deaths, mothers used to get arrested, thankfully today we have a better understanding because of science.

I listen to my daughters, breastfeeding, weaning, it's all different now. To dig in your heels is not wise if you want to be welcomed into their home

I don't remember people being arrested for cot deaths in the 90s

Breastfeeding has always been the same

I'm not sure what's changed in weaning between my kids and grandkids either tbh

What does keep changing is the stuff you are meant to eat,/ not eat during pregnancy. With my eldest was told to eat liver, 2nd one ( 3 years later) avoid liver and eat tuna for brain development. 3rd one don't eat too much tuna due to high mercury levels. When the guidelines change every couple of years no wonder it's hard to keep up

justasking111 · 22/05/2024 11:17

Granny might mean well but times change as does advice. Remember cot deaths, mothers used to get arrested, thankfully today we have a better understanding because of science.

I listen to my daughters, breastfeeding, weaning, it's all different now. To dig in your heels is not wise if you want to be welcomed into their home

crumblingschools · 22/05/2024 11:10

@Starlight1979 my MIL raised 2 DC but she still refused to believe our DC had a dairy allergy and wanted to give them rusks in a bottle at 6 weeks

Starlight1979 · 22/05/2024 11:07

Oh Jesus. She's raised multiple children (you refer to her "boys") yet you said to her

"Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle."

I bet she really appreciated that!!! OP she's not a teenager. She clearly knows how to look after children. In future I would be grateful to have childcare and - assuming the baby is safe and warm? - keep my mouth shut on how she spends her time with baby.

Peaceandquiet9276 · 22/05/2024 10:29

jolies1 · 22/05/2024 09:07

I’m not asking this to cause argument, I’m genuinely interested as I have a 9 week old - do the majority stay with sleeping baby the whole time? Eg when baby starts going to bed at 7/8pm staying upstairs in the bedroom with them? Baby comes upstairs when I go to bed now but his bedtime is getting earlier!

Edited

We just kept them downstairs with us for the first 6 ish months. They didn’t really have a proper bedtime then anyway as depended on when they napped.

Cherry8809 · 22/05/2024 10:16

OP do you live with your MIL?

crumblingschools · 22/05/2024 10:08

@LuckySantangelo35 you don’t need to be watching them, when they are asleep. You can do things whilst they are in the room with you.

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