Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friend is taking the P a bit?

65 replies

HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 09:01

I moved away from my close friend a few years ago and as such if we see one another we tend to stay over.

He came to visit me last weekend, empty handed. We went out for a meal(both paid for our own) and then came back to mine and watched TV and had a few drinks. He was empty handed. Also ate crisps/nibbles at mine later. He doesn't have a drink problem but he can definitely put away the booze on a night in/out when he does drink!

Whenever I go to his (sometimes with my partner) I take my own food and drink. I seldom even have anything to drink that I didn't take. Sometimes he'll buy some food (as in if it is for a BBQ or such) but last time I went fora BBQ he hadn't bought any bread products! So I was very glad that I'd thought ahead and brought some buns with me. He's GF and happy to just have the meat but me and DP aren't.

And we took our own booze/other drinks
For context he's quite wealthy. Not hugely so but in comparison to me he has no mortgage, lives with partner two wages coming in, can basically afford whatever he wants, well-paid industry.
I live on my own And although I appreciate what I have and am far from skint, compared to him I have to be a lot more careful. My DP lives in shared accommodation and has no savings or assets, so we're worse off.

I worry that if I just turned up empty handed I'd end up nipping to the shop (and paying more as local shops are more expensive!)

Because the bread situation illustrates that he'd probably not have anything in for me. If DP is with me she brings her own things too. It's rare that friends partner is wirh him when he visits as for unrelated reasons she doesn't like coming here but when she does I notice they tend to bring some things with them fof themselves but they still eat my food/drink my booze.

I actually really love hosting and don't mind but I think, financial issues aside it should work both ways?

OP posts:
Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 09:23

Thats what I mean @MrsB74 , it should work both ways.

I'd never host a BBQ without being mindful of what people may want, either. It's about your guests IMO, not about what you would just normally want to eat.

OP posts:
MrsB74 · 23/05/2024 09:20

I would always take plenty drink and nibbles with me to a friends’ and my friends tend to do the same. So yes, he’s being tight.

My DH has moaned about me forgetting to buy bread before - I don’t eat it very often and do occasionally forget. I wouldn’t host a bbq and not but any though!

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 09:06

I'd said that already, that's how the conversation started. And when he retaliated with that I said it most definitely wasn't me/DP. He agreed to be mindful after that. The next time he came him and his DP did bring things with them (which I'm assuming was her doing) but he's been twice since then and same as he always was, bringing nothing and me providing.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 23/05/2024 08:59

But when he told you that last year about everyone drinking his booze that was the perfect opportunity to say but that's what you do when you come to my house! You never bring anything and you drink and eat everything in sight.

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 08:52

Sorry last part was to @Toooldtopretend .

@BabySnarkDoDoo no I've never done that. But I am very prepared and I'd hate to be in that position. I don't think he'd go and get anything. Perhaps as a PP has said, he's got too used to me/us always bringing what we want and him not needing to provide.

I think I'll just scale it back as others have said.

If he's coming here I'll say to him 'I've not got much in, can you bring whatever you might need to drink'.

I'm not able to bring myself to say food too, I WOULD just feel too mean with that. When he came here last time I made potato Wedges (mine are his favourite!) And got GF snacks and GF bread for toast in the morning too. I'd have been mortified had he wanted something in the morning and me not have had anything. I think that's just me. And I don't really want to change that, is that wrong? Should I have the balls attitude to say 'sorry I've not got anything, you'll have to do without/drive to shop'?

OP posts:
Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 08:48

I do not begrudge providing for guests, any guest.
I feel it should either A) Be host provides all every time, but both ways around or,

B) Guest always takes their own, both ways around.

Not, host provides everything when guest comes to theirs and (same) host, when a guest at their previous guest's house, provides everything for themselves then too.

OP posts:
Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 08:44

No shops on the way home from the restaurant we went to, literally 5 mins from my house and too late for any close shops to be open, wine meaning driving not an option.

The other guests vary, when it comes to visiting his, some bring their own but not much and drink his, some according to what he said in last year's conversation, don't bring anything at all, drink/eat all his and then he's in the past moved onto drinking a lot of what I/we have brought.

OP posts:
Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 08:42

I'm mean for providing for him everything when he comes here and providing for me, again everything when I go there?

OP posts:
Toooldtopretend · 23/05/2024 08:24

User1979289 · 21/05/2024 09:12

I don't get all these posts at the moment - there are 3 in active right now. If you invite someone to your house to stay you are the host and should provide for them, it sounds like he is a poor host. Whilst it is nice for a guest to bring a bottle of wine or whatever you cannot expect them to bring all their food with them unless you have an agreement. He sounds thoughtless and disorganised.

I totally agree with this, but OP claims to love hosting but then seems to begrudge providing for a guest. I don’t understand all these people who have an issue with providing food and drinks when having people to stay. If you aren’t prepared to do that, don’t have them round/to stay!

Tel12 · 23/05/2024 08:21

This friendship sounds very one sided. Makes no effort to look after you at all. He honours you with his presence and that's enough. Sounds like you've had enough.

BabySnarkDoDoo · 23/05/2024 08:08

I would dial back on the amount of drink and snacks you're providing, it does sound like you're being very generous and it's not being reciprocated. I wonder if your friend is a little disorganised and hasn't been made to think ahead as you normally bring things with you. Have you ever turned up empty handed and asked for a drink? If he realised he had nothing in, would he not just nip to the shop? My DH wouldn't think twice about inviting his friends over, not buy anything extra in advance but then ask everyone what they wanted and if we don't have it in, he would go to the shop. Likewise he would turn up to a friend's house empty handed but then nip to the shop to buy drinks and snacks.

Candleabra · 23/05/2024 08:00

I think you’re getting an insight into why he’s got lots of money!
Of course you should think about your guests when they come to stay. He doesn’t appear to make any effort at all.

Revelatio · 23/05/2024 07:53

We never have bread products at our BBQs!! I didn’t realise it was such a faux pas! We usually have steak, chicken, seafood/fish and salad.

I think if you want something specific you should bring it. I’d always take a bottle of wine though.

RickyT · 23/05/2024 07:49

For context he's quite wealthy

I hear/read this quite a bit when someone is discussing skinflint miserly ways

Surely it occurs to more than me that some people may have seemingly more money because well, they don’t spend their own & expect others to fund them?

I know someone with electronics galore & an expensive musical instrument habit funded by leaching off others - food, drink, clothes, even showering 😂

Using others’ money & effort to save your own is not nice for a friend to do and quite repulsive in a relationship

Katemax82 · 23/05/2024 07:45

HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 09:21

He likely wouldn't have anything for me to drink at all if I didn't take my own
He'd just have enough for himself/his partner.

When he gets them a drink look despondent and say "ill have one please "

hopscotcher · 23/05/2024 07:43

It sounds as if he's generally annoying you - perhaps you feel there's more effort in the friendship coming from your side than his?
I agree with some PP that with a close friend you should be able to tell them what you want. With regard to the drink scenario in the OP you could perhaps have stopped at a shop on the way home from the meal and asked him to buy whatever he wanted to drink.

Peclet · 23/05/2024 07:32

The other guests at his BBQ- what do they do?

RatATatTatty · 23/05/2024 07:20

Don’t invite him then - honestly you sound quite mean.

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 13:30

Maybe I could take stuff and leave it in my car and pretend I hadn't brought anything and see what he does Grin I wouldn't want to risk having to starve/stay sober all day (of course I am okay with being sober but I wouldn't fancy it at a BBQ where literally everyone else is getting merry, for example)!

OP posts:
CeffylCoch · 21/05/2024 13:21

Next time you go to his. Go empty handed and don't go to the shop. See what happens

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 13:14

@Maddy70 he isn't coeliac, just GF and he does have gluten containing products in the house as his partner eats them. No need for snippy comments, of course I am aware of cross contamination.

OP posts:
Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 13:13

@KreedKafer sorry, re read. I am not expecting gifts. I am expecting rightly or wrongly that if he expects me to provide everything when he visits, that it should be reciprocated when I visit, not 'host provides everything when I am a guest at their house but I provide nothing for them when they're the guest at my house'.

I have also never in my whole 40 odd years on this planet gone to a BBQ where not buns/wraps/bread was available for the burgers or meat to go into.

He doesn't ask me/me and DP to bring out own, it is just expected that we do (or he expects us to not drink anything, I suppose).

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 21/05/2024 12:11

He’s tight! Doesn’t matter how much money he has, he’s just tight!

You’ll have to remind him every time: please BYOB, please bring some food for the lunch/bbq, please bring extra booze as you drank yours and all of ours last time etc.

Maybe you also need to send a text each time before you leave “just checking we’re still on for shopping” or whatever.

This friendship does sound like it’s becoming kind of hard work… If he gets offended at any of the above, or keeps turning up with one arm as long as the other, well you know what you have to do!

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 11:44

Another thing he did that annoyed me (sorry I am derailing my own thread now!) is he and his partner invited me over for the day. The plan was to go out, look around the shops, go for some lunch and then some drinks. Great.

When I arrived, I had a coffee with them then asked what the plan was, where we'd go first etc, and friend's partner said 'Oh, we decided not to go out now.'

Would this annoy anyone else or am I a pain in the ass? Grin I was looking forward to a day out. I'd got there at lunchtime ish (as planned) and didn't fancy a day of just sitting about. Plus I'd not taken food/booze with me as I thought we were going out. If that had have been me (and it never would be unless I came down with an illness or something drastic happened) I'd have definitely let my friend know, not just had them turn up and find out that the day we'd planned wasn't happening?

OP posts:
Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 11:17

@KreedKafer I take your point but he'd not have enough for everyone if I did that. I've noticed toward the end of the evening him and his partner have often gone on to drinking what I/we have supplied as their supply has depleted-and fine! They're providing us with the 'venue' for the gathering and I am happy to have them drink some wine (or whatever) that I've bought, however this means that if I didn't take my own drink, they'd likely be nothing I could have, or at least it would just run out before the end of the evening. It's as if he expects to not have to provide, but expects to be provided for.

OP posts: