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AIBU?

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Original poster

That my friend is taking the P a bit?

65 replies

HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 09:01

I moved away from my close friend a few years ago and as such if we see one another we tend to stay over.

He came to visit me last weekend, empty handed. We went out for a meal(both paid for our own) and then came back to mine and watched TV and had a few drinks. He was empty handed. Also ate crisps/nibbles at mine later. He doesn't have a drink problem but he can definitely put away the booze on a night in/out when he does drink!

Whenever I go to his (sometimes with my partner) I take my own food and drink. I seldom even have anything to drink that I didn't take. Sometimes he'll buy some food (as in if it is for a BBQ or such) but last time I went fora BBQ he hadn't bought any bread products! So I was very glad that I'd thought ahead and brought some buns with me. He's GF and happy to just have the meat but me and DP aren't.

And we took our own booze/other drinks
For context he's quite wealthy. Not hugely so but in comparison to me he has no mortgage, lives with partner two wages coming in, can basically afford whatever he wants, well-paid industry.
I live on my own And although I appreciate what I have and am far from skint, compared to him I have to be a lot more careful. My DP lives in shared accommodation and has no savings or assets, so we're worse off.

I worry that if I just turned up empty handed I'd end up nipping to the shop (and paying more as local shops are more expensive!)

Because the bread situation illustrates that he'd probably not have anything in for me. If DP is with me she brings her own things too. It's rare that friends partner is wirh him when he visits as for unrelated reasons she doesn't like coming here but when she does I notice they tend to bring some things with them fof themselves but they still eat my food/drink my booze.

I actually really love hosting and don't mind but I think, financial issues aside it should work both ways?

OP posts:
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Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 05/06/2024 12:23

I am definitely annoyed with him about that @RickyT ! We did have a conversation about things like that in general, last weekend.

He said he always left things to her to organise as 'she's better at it' and that he's not very good at it and 'she just does it' I told him that is the biggest turn off ever-she does it because she knows he won't! Strangely enough he also told me prior to this conversation that their sex life is depleted somewhat Easter Hmm

That is true, I definitely have various friends for different things. Some are for good/philosophical conversations. Some are for nice restaurants/wine. Some are for walks and festivals and activities-of course some overlap but yes, I will insert him firmly into a bracket-I just don't know which one yet Grin he is good company and we have a lot of trust, history. But I am dialing back on providing. If he visits again I am telling him I don't have any booze in the house and can he call and get whatever he'll want. And I'll have some X while he's at it Grin

OP posts:
RickyT · 30/05/2024 15:05

So he also blames his gf for his failures? 😂charmer

I think it’s fine to host people who couldn’t reciprocate hosting for various reasons but in every single case I know they would reciprocate in another way - eg DC & their friends, some no money, some no place to host, some w/anxiety etc etc

When DC hosted garden bbq - some helped set up/clean down, some brought food/drink, some cuddled our v old & needy cat 😂 but they all did something

Yer mate has less nous and manners than a bunch of young teens, some w/additional needs to boot

However! You could have him over & tell him to byob and to order/pay for his own takeaway, or have a clear ‘bring a plate’ event, or meet in other spaces where food/drink isn’t an issue or it’s clear it’s pay for yourself only.

Because we often do have people we like re something and avoid re other things: cinema, work, religion, politics, food, exercise, kids, dogs.

Maybe he’s a selfish git re food but a great one to watch footie with or to discuss philosophy with or to advise on garden or debate the relative merits of buttons vs zips with.

Only you will know what you get from the relationship and what you want to give.

The dismissal of you when you tried to raise the reciprocation/hypocrisy aspect is what would really kill the friendship for me though.

You were confused & hurt and not only did he shut you down, he made it clear he dgaf, and would continue to treat you however he deemed fit regardless of your feelings (or finances)

That’s not something I’d forgive without some major mea culpa from him and ongoing evidence it would never happen again.

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 30/05/2024 12:48

That does, unfortunately, make sense @OldPerson
He doesn't even think about it does he?

I understand being offended-I wouldn't say I found it offensive per se but I am a reasonable cook and if someone brought ALL their own things to a dinner or such I'd be a little perturbed I think.

No I didn't read that! Do you have a link?

I guess I feel I should be a good guest and a good host. He's just 'I'll just bring myself, that's good enough' or, 'It's fine, if they want anything they can bring it/go and get it'.

I always get GF bits in for him.

@RickyT that's a good point too. SadI am still a bit annoyed about when I turned up looking forward to a day out to be honest. That was rude of him. I mentioned it recently and he said 'Ah that was Sarah (his partner)' and I said but you don't just invite someone over to do something and not do it-It's rude!

@jamjar3 yes I think I've derailed my own thread by saying about GF. He's not coeliac, just wheat 'doesn't agree with him'. Possibly a food sensitivity or it not being good for IBS sort of thing?

But, he isn't strict-It's a red herring to the thread because he does have gluten-containing products in his house. His partner who he lives with isn't GF. She'll order GF takeaways and eat bread/gluten-y snacks and all else. There's often bread in the house when I go there there just wasn't this particular day. Another thing he'll do is sometimes eat gluten-containing meals if he goes out and just really wants something from the menu, he'll just make a decision to put up with the stomach cramps or whatever. He's happy to have his GF toast at my house in a toaster that's had other bread in it. What I am saying is, the reason for not having bought bread the day of the aforementioned BBQ was not because of allergies, never having it in, or anything to do with his own dietary needs. He just didn't think about his guests I guess. I am glad I took some myself-it was everyone else that ate my bread buns, not just me.

OP posts:
jamjar3 · 28/05/2024 19:32

HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 20:31

@Truthtalker sorry, I've no idea what that means?

Yes that's what I think it should be like @Mumoftwinsandasingleton ! I will set say something.

Sorry I've 2 accounts and didn't realise and used different Internet browser.

I mentioned previously about allergens and you stayed no-one has allergens...

But he's eating gluten free I was asking if he's just doing it for the sake of it or what?

drusth · 25/05/2024 08:37

Stop having anything in for him to drink.

Next time he asks to come over, tell him you have nothing in and he’ll have to bring drinks and food.

RickyT · 25/05/2024 07:49

Do you think he loves you both all to bits?

when he treats you differently to how he expects you to treat him?

when you’ve raised it & he’s totally deflected & shut you down on it?

🤔if you both still love him to bits after he’s shown he’s happy to treat you worse than he expects you to treat him…

yea, he probably loves you for that!

An adoring, pandering, enabling supportive cast to the main player 👏

I partially agree with PP, either make peace with him considering you ‘useable’ or be crystal clear you are not his mummies there to subsidise his selfish arse.

Londonscallingme · 24/05/2024 21:26

I have some friends who are great hosts, I have dome friends who aren’t. The ones who aren’t get a bit of abuse from the group but that’s just how they are. I personally wouldn’t dwell on it if I otherwise valued the friendship. I’d probably ask him to bring some booze as that can add up but I’d buy the GF bread and enjoy his company. If you can’t do that then don’t invite him or be more explicit about what you need from him.

OldPerson · 24/05/2024 21:06

Two worlds. You have to count the pennies and account for everything.

He does not.

You don't want to take the mick. Not even on his radar.

Tbh - if people brought their own food and drink to my house, I'd think it was because they had food intolerances.

I'd never turn up at someon's home with my own catering, becuase I wouldn't want to offend anyone that their catering wasn't good enough.

Did you read the story of the man who spent £300 on taking pot noodles aborad to eat? Just don't get involved in what weird stuff people do over eating.

Just be more organised and clear with your dear friend - if you're turning up for lunch or a sleepover - who is bringing what and who is paying for what.

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 24/05/2024 13:03

Not an ex, I'm a lesbian

He's been with his partner for 5 years and she does have anxiety and has in the distant past expressed concerns about our relationship. She's (a good few years ago now) got drunk and really laid into him about being friends with me. Me and him have been friends for over twenty years. She mellowed as time went on and her not wanting to come to visit me is (according to them at least) for a different reason and nothing personal.

My partner loves him to bits and I like his partner too.

OP posts:
Yerroblemom1923 · 24/05/2024 06:13

He sounds a bit thoughtless tbh. Is there more to this story? Is he an ex? Does his new partner not like you? Or your partner not like him? If he's a close friend then I think you really need to have a conversation with him.

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 20:31

@Truthtalker sorry, I've no idea what that means?

Yes that's what I think it should be like @Mumoftwinsandasingleton ! I will set say something.

OP posts:
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 23/05/2024 15:36

People don't tend to bring things if I'm hosting because it's normally my treat to them. Same goes for if I go to their houses. You need to be clear on what you expect, otherwise there will be unnecessary bitterness

Truthtalker · 23/05/2024 15:28

So he's gluten free for the sake of it then yeah

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 15:24

@jamjar3 sorry I don't understand. Nobody involved has an allergy.

OP posts:
ChicDreamer · 23/05/2024 13:56

Peachy2005 · 21/05/2024 12:11

He’s tight! Doesn’t matter how much money he has, he’s just tight!

You’ll have to remind him every time: please BYOB, please bring some food for the lunch/bbq, please bring extra booze as you drank yours and all of ours last time etc.

Maybe you also need to send a text each time before you leave “just checking we’re still on for shopping” or whatever.

This friendship does sound like it’s becoming kind of hard work… If he gets offended at any of the above, or keeps turning up with one arm as long as the other, well you know what you have to do!

This^^
You have a tight friend. There are people who actually enjoy being a bit thoughtless too - sounds like your friend and his partner are those type of people. I personally can't understand the big deal about providing some bread at a barbacue that you are hosting. I can't eat bread for health reasons, but that shouldn't impact anybody else's experience.

Many of us have tight friends who like to take the pee, they always 'forget' to pay their share for drinks and meals, they're always 'sooooo broke right now' and are quite happy for everyone else to pay.

But.....
If your friend can't be bothered to make changes to his behaviour after you clearly talked to him about how it was annoying you, then this friendship might have run its course. Being around friends should be fun not induce anxiety and irritation.

Don't get stuck with 'friends' just because you have known them for a long time...it can be very draining.

And the bit about cancelling the activities for the day out (presumably the whole point of you spending the day with them), without even bothering to tell you first (which would have allowed you to update your plans)...

.....no sorry, that is just rude, inconsiderate, unbothered, unperturbed and bizzare. I can't imagine doing that to friends, family or colleagues.

He and his partner were letting you know that your opinions are not needed in certain circumstances even if it affects you.
He's just going to keep on doing it.
The real question is can you put up with that behaviour for the foreseeable?

Dinkydo12 · 23/05/2024 13:52

Knock this so called friendship on the head. Move on you must have other friends. Sounds like he does not have any thoughts about his guests or is it just you.

jamjar3 · 23/05/2024 13:22

HunkaMunkasslipper · 21/05/2024 09:08

I would, if i were hosting a BBQ for other people! But if I didn't want to, in his position I'd definitely say 'can you bring any bread products you want to eat with your burgers/sausages/whatever as I haven't bought any'

I'd not just risk people turning up and then realising that none were supplied, I'd find that so embarrassing! And then them having to potentially leave and go to the shop.. some people would be really irritated at that I think. But yes, you're right that it could be just thoughtless.

Why would ypu be embarrassed about an allergy.

I wouldnt be buying in products that can contaminate the other food products and make me ill.

Original poster
HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 11:06

If I invited a friend over for a weekend I wouldn't expect them to bring anything with them other than themselves.

I don't, but by that approach I'd also not expect to have to provide for myself at the same person's when It's their 'turn' to host. I didn't expect him to pay for my meal.

Perhaps crucially, of the other people in our friendship group, they rarely host. In my old hometown gatherings are at the friend's whom I speak about, they don't really come here other than friend's partner (and she is occasionally!) because I moved away.-so this dynamic is unique to me and him, not so relevant what other friend's do at his.

@Shan5474 unfortunately I do tend to agree although hopefully the younger generation are improving this. When friend brings his partner (rarely) they do bring things for themselves then. I think she has an influence.

OP posts:
RickyT · 23/05/2024 11:01

How do men cope running so many businesses, organisations and countries even when they are so thoughtless, underprepared, disorganised and have women all over the place just choosing to be negatively impacted by whatever behaviour they opt to engage in?

Or is it a bit mean to ask 😂

honeylulu · 23/05/2024 10:36

Three possibilities:

  1. He is just mean/stingy/a scrounger.
  1. He is thoughtless. As another poster has said its a bit of a bloke thing to take being fed and watered for granted (grrrr) but not the other way around. I also think sometimes with well off people they think food and drink costs next to nothing (to them it's a drop in the ocean) so think nothing of consuming stuff purchased by others or guests buying their own because it seems so small and inconsequential.
  1. He is secretly very chippy about his wealth and suspicious that others will try and assume he will subsidise them. And to avoid that he's gone too far the other way in that overall he's not even paying his way. I've known a few people like that including a very well off friend who would split down to the penny as she seemed very agitated that no one would get one over on her!
Shan5474 · 23/05/2024 10:10

I will probably get jumped on for this but I think it’s not surprising that your friend is a man. In my experience they are thoughtless with this kind of thing and women are often better hosts. When I have gatherings the women usually ask if they can bring anything or just bring stuff along, whereas men turn up empty handed. Or you get to their house and they are underprepared. I feel it’s something women add to the mental load that men don’t have. Of course a massive generalisation and just my opinion from my experiences!

icelolly12 · 23/05/2024 10:08

If I invited a friend over for a weekend I wouldn't expect them to bring anything with them other than themselves. He paid for his own meal when out, I guess he could have paid for yours as a gesture due to your hosting but otherwise no I don't think he's taking the P.

He provided the meat for the BBQ at his so again he is maybe being a bit thoughtless not getting bread but not exactly taking the P. But if it is bothering you , and it does sound like you are getting very annoyed, maybe it's time to drift away from each other.

BabySnarkDoDoo · 23/05/2024 09:48

I don't think your way of doing things is wrong at all, and agree that hospitality should work both ways. I agree it's very odd to have a BBQ and not provide bread or think that other guests may want to be pre-warned there won't be any. As you say it's a case that people's expectations are different. For example, when my friends get together, we always bring something with us or will take it in turn buying rounds, etc. However, my Mum seems to get offended if I bring food and drink over to her's and always sends it back with me.

I think if his lack of hospitality is overshadowing the enjoyment you get from spending time with him then it may be time to let the friendship fizzle out.

Jhgdsd · 23/05/2024 09:35

He's mean and thoughtless.
Spell it out to him if you insist on seeing him.
"You need to bring X, Y, Z for your visit.
He has forced the issue.

I would get the Ick for the friendship, I have zero tolerance for meanness though.

Toooldtopretend · 23/05/2024 09:31

HunkaMunkasslipper · 23/05/2024 08:48

I do not begrudge providing for guests, any guest.
I feel it should either A) Be host provides all every time, but both ways around or,

B) Guest always takes their own, both ways around.

Not, host provides everything when guest comes to theirs and (same) host, when a guest at their previous guest's house, provides everything for themselves then too.

I get that. I’m surprised by some people’s standards - I would never dream of not having sufficient food and drink in when hosting. Sometimes I do think people who are oblivious must live very relaxed and untroubled lives, not stressing about such things!

My group of friends always message and ask what they can contribute. I think you’ll have to be more blunt with this one - specify what they can contribute at yours and maybe decline invites to theirs for a while and wait to hear what happens when supplies run out!!