ASD DD struggle with transition from home to school

I've had this issue albeit with a younger child. Its because of the extremeness of the transition so her safest place and person (you) directly into the most challenging place which is school, in my case I resolved it by taking him to a lovely childminder just up the road an hour before school where he plays with another child then they go to school together. Works a treat and worth every penny. Your girl is obviously 11/12 so the exact same thing won't be possible, but it's worth considering trying to find an interim activity and place to go pre school to soften the transition between supersafe and superchallenging, even arranging for an older teen you know to take her to Costa or something for 30 mins for a hot chocolate then walking together to school, obviously said buddy would need to be carefully chosen and bunged some pocket money. Sorry that's the closest appropriate thing I could think of that would work like my morning childminder technique.

Definitely a good idea - my son doesn’t struggle as much as your daughter, but he finds that transition from home to school very stressful. He fully admits that’s it’s fine once he’s there. He finds it much easier on the day he has sport before school (even though it’s in the school grounds!) because he only thinks about that activity, not the whole day that comes after.

I’m really sorry to read your post.
Rather than going in earlier, could your DD go in later everyday when the rush has calmed down maybe? She can register separately?
Do you have any support from CAMHS?
Schools are usually (IME) reluctant to go for an RSA - request for statutory assessment which is the start of the EHCP process through the school. It’s politically motivated and because of funding. We had to fight for DS’ school to go ahead and it was really needed. So sometimes it’s good to not take no for an answer but it depends on how much external support you have for DD as lots of evidence is now needed to be successful in getting an EHCP.

The EdPsych will hopefully help and not take long to support. It’s also good that the exit passes and access to the sensory area is already in place.

An early finish may also be a good idea to avoid the rush at the end of the day.

can you describe the transition op? (If you want)

Sometimes a small tweak can make a difference - her moving away from you vs you moving away from her. Or handing a transitional object (not necessarily a lovey/m but something like a hall pass or her school bag)to the LSA who then gives it to her.

Breaking the transition into smaller steps and adding a concrete element to each one can make it feel like there’s more control.

Would a timer help? so she knows how long she can hug you for and takes the uncertainty out of that.

For some dc, talking through their day (first period is Spanish, then Geography…) can be helpful. Especially if they’re carrying anxiety about forgetting books or homework. They get to the end of the list and know it’s all good.

Or having a chat about a special interest can shift the mental energy. I’ve often slipped a mistake or stupid question in with ds to elicit an (mildly) indignant lecture to distract him from an anxiety spiral.

I’m throwing out ideas at random but there might be something useful

sounds tough op. For my own child, once she is distressed about going in it's hard to overcome.

I think I would have to consider that there is a problem with school generally manifesting like this - has she ever had assessment by an OT? they can watch her in class and analyse her sensory issues etc. sorry if this is all totally not helpful - I know how tedious it is hearing the same advice over and over.

My apologies, I didn’t mean that’s what you were doing, it’s what I see schools doing when they try to get anxious children to go in.

DS is ASD and suffers from anxiety. He is older than her now but some therapy he had really worked for him so I'll pass it on in case it helps.

Ask her how she'd like to feel about school, work through from completely confident and happy to create some stepping stones towards that and discuss how any movement forward, however tiny, is a massive win as it is a step in the right direction. Discuss targetting tiny steps each week towards her goal of feeling comfortable. It was really important for DS to understand that there is no magic switch that makes life easier. There are just increments of discomfort and unease that you work through until suddenly you look back and see how far you've come. So, even getting a bit further down the corridor would be a target, or trying a new self-soothing technique to see if it reduces the need for a meltdown release.

Some attitudes that helped him were:

• It's fine to feel uncomfortable or anxious. This is a normal and healthy emotion that all people have. She might have more of it or more often or at different times from other people but that doesn't mean it is wrong or there is something wrong with her or it should be banished. Everyone feels anxiety - it is normal. Accept this. Get used to feeling uncomfortable. Don't judge yourself, just understand it is part of a process that she is working through.
• Ask herself what would Non-anxious me do in this situation? If I wasn't anxious, how would I act right now. Do this. As far as you can, just do it. Even if it is just taking a step towards class. DS found this incredibly helpful. He'd just ask himself: if I weren't anxious now, what would I do? Then he just did it. Probably not always but often enough to push through.
• Very important to congratulate herself mentally and reward herself for even a tiny breakthrough, to remind herself that she isn't forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to do, but she is training herself to cope with the discomfort that is part of pushing through to do something you do want to do.
• Use this mantra - 'You can handle it' and get her to use it, 'I can handle it.' Tell her you know it is very difficult right now but you have full faith that she will find her way through it. Don't allow her to get stuck thinking she can't work through this.

Does she end up staying all day or coming home after meltdowns? My DD tends to mask in public so if I could get her into school she'd go into masking mode. Meltdowns were at home and on way to school. There was years of it, it saps you going through that, Id feel rung out by the time I got her to school, if I did. She had anxiety and ASD which feed into each other. She struggles with transitions, but then was also anxious she'd have no one to sit with at lunch time or that her stomach would hurt and she wouldn't be able to tell anyone because of her situational mutism, that I wouldn't be there to interpret for and support her, that she'd get in trouble and on and on. She'd also gets worried about transitions at school so days she knows she'll have different subjects and moving between rooms a lot she wants to go in even less. Do you know if the separation anxiety is solely about being away from you? Or like my DD could it be she's also worried that she won't be able to cope with something without you there or worried about things at school like transitions. If other things are adding into it, like transitions at school or worry she can't get help when she's overwhelmed, or not having somewhere quiet to go, then solving those issues could help reduce the struggle she has transitioning to school.

We did try a lot of other things first, but in the end what helped get her back to school was her being able to take a mobile phone she could access if needed during the day and knowing Id come and get her if things got too overwhelming. Along with therapy and medication for her anxiety.

They have phoned me this morning to say if she won't go in within 5 minutes then I'll have to 'take her away and come back later.'

Thats appalling OP.

In my child’s school, they give the option of going to the welfare room when they first come in which can help some children ease into the day. They can join lessons later once they feel more settled.

They also do things like a pass to leave a lesson and go to the welfare room at any point they need to, the option to avoid noisy dinner halls etc.

These things come under reasonable adjustments.

I would meet with the SENCo and pastoral team and see what they can offer.

They will have dealt with this situation before. I think they’re trying to scare you and you child into conforming, which obviously often doesn’t work when a child is genuinely feeling anxious and is struggling.

More time for transitions, and/or a different start/end time to avoid busy times
Transition object(s)
Transition activity (stop at shop, stop at park, listen to headphones)
Sensory breaks throughout the day, and a safe space to go to (like a sensory room or quiet area).
A transition space in the morning, for some kids a breakfast club works, but this could also be a sensory room, the school library, a music room, a computer room etc.
Hall pass for unplanned breaks if she is finding the classroom overwhelming.
A reduced timetable (the mornings are less overwhelming if you know you're coming home at lunch time, for example)

Can she go early and do something like library monitor.

Does she have an EHCP? If not, I would start the application process.

I feel some of these responses are not right for an autistic child (I have experience of this)

It's sadly common for children who coped in primary to be unable to cope in secondary.

OP - what is the senco offering in terms of her entire day at school?

this is probably not about transition or a 'special object' ! but about the entire school experience.

Rather than focusing on the moment of her going in - are you absolutely sure that she is able to cope in this school?

Is it too overwhelming for her? Too much to cope with? this. is that point at which sadly many ND kids end up falling out of education

the idea of 'one day off' a term is just not appropriate for a child who may literally be unable to cope day in day out.

I have an autistic child on a flexi timetable (this is considered a reasonable adjustment by Dfe look on their website)

She is anxious, she feels anxious and you can’t bribe/threaten/guilt/plead/force/reward that away. It’s not a choice to feel like that and therefore she can’t choose to go in to school without a fuss. When she has a ‘good’ day it’s because she isn’t feeling as anxious. In my experience schools think that because the child goes in okay on some days they are choosing to resist going in on the other days.
It’s not that she won’t go in, she can’t go in.
You need to investigate the cause of the anxiety and try and address that. It depends how supportive the school is, but what she needs is an adult and an area that she feels safe with. Will they let you take her into school to a ‘safe’ room where you can hand her over to a supportive adult?
Once you feel anxious the only way to get rid of the chemicals swirling around your body is exercise or relaxation. She can’t just stop feeling anxious, she has to wait for it to subside.

I think these things are all individual but some 'tricks' that worked for mine

• allowed a day off each term. Once she knew she could stay at home if things were really bad it eased the pressure. But as it was only one day per term she had to pick the 'worse' day, it helped her decide which days were just shite, and which days were the shittest.
• a bit like the park idea above but somewhere in the school - not reception - somewhere quieter that she can go to first to acclimatise. God love the librarian at her school who created a space for those kids that needed it! She would rush through the hall into the library and spend 15/20 minutes there getting her balance then go to her form room. Waiting around in the reception for the LSA may just be overwhelming for her.

Good luck, its heartbreaking to see your kid so overwhelmed