ASD DD struggle with transition from home to school

The solve one thing create a new issue is always a fun one. I've also got the something that helps one of my Autistic DC is bad for another one issue. My DD used to absolutely meltdown if we were running late and wouldn't be at school 10 minutes early, of course the meltdowns actually made us late. Now she likes to arrive just before the bell but her little brother is freaking out about being late and if she rolled her eyes any harder over it you'd hear them. She's telling him we're not going to be late as long as he starts getting stuff done and then gets annoyed he's still melting down about it and he's behaving the exact way she used to which ironically annoys her no end.

I just remembered pocket hugs if she ever needs a tiny teddy for comfort OP.They're on a little card and really small and easy to keep hidden.

Good mornings are nice. My DS had a similar thing except in kindy where other 5 year olds were making fun of him for wearing a chewy sensory necklace. He wont use anything at all at school now that might help him regulate. My DD got told a broken lolly snake was Autistic at a party, like it means you're broken, its shit that this behaviour still goes on. The kid saying it didn't know she is Autistic, she choses who she tells. Good luck for Monday.

Glad you had a good day.

My ASD DS struggles with transitions as well, although not the separation anxiety your DD has. We found that if he went into school early and went to the canteen, he could have a hot chocolate and settle into being at school without the stress of immediately getting into the school day. He's then able to go on with his day quite calmly.

Now there's stress if he's running late because he Must Have Hot Chocolate, but that's another issue! 🤣

@usernamebore - I do wish there were more small schools that are less overstimulating. Calm, familiar. I think even neurotypical kids get overwhelmed by the vastness of secondary. I hated secondary school. I went from loving primary and being studious to bunking off because it was so overwhelming and bullies ruled. I think no school should be bigger than about 500 pupils. It would make a world of difference.

Just for missing me and transition away from me at various times she's had a matching necklace to mine, a drawing of a heart on both our hands, a photo of us together in her bag, an angel pin, taking special teddy, locket with photo. We've also done going in just till start of lunchtime. It can be used as a strategy for separation anxiety specifically because they know they'll see you sooner. The idea is to have a gentle calm transition to school then build on the time they're there. Might not be appropriate for your DD, just wanted to say it can still be helpful when school's not the issue.

Interesting people saying not to reward when all the professionals we've worked with say to do so. We've worked with 3 psychologists and did a group program for kids with anxiety. She loved group program. They all recommended immediate (that bits important) rewards for kids when they did the current step on their challenge ladders (CBT). Kids can't really work off future reward their brain's need something immediate. DD loves drawing so she got s single pen/pencil from a big pack of pretty colours I bought. One kid got a story, another got lots of cheers and congratulations from the parents, another got stamps, another stickers. If there's something she likes you could give it to the school and the person who comes to get her could give her her reward.

If you have the money a good psychologist who has experience working with Autistic girl could be helpful. Just seen you're post saying about going back to therapy, I think that's a good idea. All the other things we've tried were temporary fixes and like with your DD the issue kept coming back after she's had time away.

I would get an EHCP sorted even if you don't need it, it's good to have the supports documented if you need to change schools, for going to high school, college, university if she chooses. Im getting my DDs supports documented now for the transition to high school.

Place marking as I have a DD that sounds exactly like yours OP and want to read more of these replies.

We have never managed to help her with the transition part, but we have managed to help her process and understand the anxiety which helps in other situations too. Therapy was really the most helpful coupled with supportive staff at her school.

@Riversideandrelax thanks OP, and sorry for teaching you to suck eggs 😂You are way ahead of us, and it is great to hear how well your kids are doing generally. Yes the crisis in Year 7 came as a complete shock to us, and he only got his diagnosis in the summer after the year was done as both the school and his (rubbish) therapist kept insisting he was not autistic.
re transitions: for us the distraction approach often helps. He loves reading so if I have him a bit of time to get settled into a book, he would have calmed down enough that it was easier to leave. Same with playing a game on his phone or something to bridge that short period.
it is so hard, I wish you and your family the best and good luck

Based on what I do myself when transitioning from my car to a place. Csn you park up outside school. Set a ten/five minute timer and let her play on her/your phone or a game console or read a chapter of a book for a bit before you get out. Whatever she does to relax usually.

I don't know why but I always do that, like I need time to prepare for getting out the car like at the gym or supermarket or even at home. Au-DHD and anxiety here.

My DS (ASD) was also very unhappy going into school. Changing schools made all the difference, I’ve seen this with other children too.

Can I add that although I have offered advice on managing transition, I agree with everything that has been said about school being a deeply uncomfortable situation for ND children.

Having my time again I wouldn't considered a school environment. I absolutely would have home schooled for secondary onwards.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, and it may be that your kids is totally different to ours so this does not apply, but I wanted to just drop a different perspective in here.
We had a very similar situation to you with our DS. We ended up forcing him in every day for the whole of year 7. Yes he would usually come out in a good mood, yes it was the transition in the morning that seemed to be the big challenge, and yes things did seem to be improving in many ways as the year went on. However we eventually found out, after getting the ASD diagnosis in the summer of year 7, that he had just been masking like crazy. That the reason for the meltdown at the start of the day, and the fear at leaving us, was because he knew it meant he had to face a whole day alone in an environment he found terrifying and overwhelming due to his unmet needs and, in particular, his sensory issues. He ended up being so traumatised by the year of being forced to cope that he started self-harming and was so anxious he became a shell of his former self.
In the end we realised that a big, noisy, bustling school was just never going to work for someone with a profile like his and have withdrawn him. We are now doing online schooling from home with Minerva and it is going fantastically.
I guess I would just advise being cautious as ASD kids are expert maskers and it can be hard to see exactly where the real problem is. Autistic burnout is real thing, and we know kids who ended up being hospitalised because of it. Resilience building is all very well and good, but for ASD kids it sometimes just doesnt work. Similarly, if I am scared of dogs exposure can help reduce that fear, but if everytime I see a dog it bites me, repeated exposure is actually just going to make things worse.
I guess my question would be - why is the transition so hard for her? What is she leaving when she goes away from you, or what is she transitioning into, which is so scary? If she was leaving you to do something she was excited or happy about, would there be an issue? For our DS it was leaving the safety and support he had from us (understanding his needs etc) and being alone and unsupported in an overwhelming and unpredictable school environment.

Have you any idea of what might make for a difficult day, op? If you have an inkling it’s going to be one of those mornings, then would doing something completely different and maybe going in a bit later be an option?

The park is also a good idea to try though it may not be viable in bad weather. Depends how reliant on routine she tends to be.

Sometimes a verbal rehearsal can be effective - you describe what is going to happen on the way there- and then follow the steps you’ve described. It can create a pull to complete the sequence.

With my ds, who is a bit oppositional and has a strong sense of humour, I’d describe something ludicrous that definitely won’t happen (…”and then you’ll start dancing with the LSA” ) but it still causes him to imagine the actual sequence.

I wondered if starting the hug sooner might be an option? So that you’re voluntarily giving her the nice long cuddle rather than her dragging it out of you.

Do you, or does she, have a phrase or gesture when she’s walking away? Or are you always the one walking away?

It’s brilliant that you’re getting so much support from the school. And it’s good that you’re confident in how well you know your dd - and what won’t work, even if you’ve not quite hit on what will yet.

Sometimes the solution isn’t going to be a one and done - just something for now.

Can she see the school nurse at her current school? They are brilliant. It's often something a lot of parents don't even realise is an option. I remember saying "I don't think the school has a nurse" when someone mentioned it to me. It's a local authority provision and the school nurses visit each school in turn, usually once a week.

DD has been seeing the school nurse for 3 years. At the height of her morning meltdowns, the school nurse managed to get to the bottom of it all, which was a fear of losing me. They gave her all sorts of coping mechanisms. To be honest, she doesn't remember most of them in the moment, but the weekly chat definitely helps. If nothing else, she feels heard and understood.

This actually made my DD worse as it ramped up the stress of it all.

OP, hopefully the Ed Psych can help. In the meantime, you have my sympathy. DD went through this for about six months (also diagnosed ASD and Anxiety)

She wouldn't allow anyone else to take her in, so it's always fallen to me. School Nurse was very helpful and she has a weekly meeting with her just to chat through her fears and anxieties (usually while making something crafty)