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Original poster

I (injured) should have been DHs priority, not BIL (unwell)

117 replies

Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 20:52

Recently, I had an accident where I tripped over and hit my head. My eyebrow split and I needed stitches. DH kindly left work a little early and took me to hospital. I was told I had concussion and I shouldn’t be left alone until the next day. We went home and all was fine until a couple of hours later.

DH had a panicked phone call from from SIL who said that his brother had felt unwell and fainted (no injuries to his head though), then appeared to be having convulsions. An ambulance wasn’t called as he wasn’t out of it for long. SIL had also called his parents who live a 5 minute drive away. We live around 20-25 minutes away.

what I’m upset about is that DH immediately left to go round his brother’s house. He was gone until around 2am as he drove SIL and BIL to hospital. They checked him over but no treatment was given, as they said it was convulsive syncope, not a seizure and he didn’t have any injuries/concussion. They were only at the hospital for so long because of the long waiting time in A&E.

while I sympathise with SIL and BIL, the fact is that his parents are completely fit/not too old and are both drivers with a car each and live very close by. SIL also has a car and they do not have children to look after. In addition, they all live closer to the hospital than we do. BIL also had no injuries. I, on the other hand, had concussion, was still bleeding, was in pain and was alone with a 3 year old and SEN 7 year old.

AIBU to have expected DH to prioritise me over his brother? BIL had 4 adults with him whilst I was alone and responsible for 2 children. I’m prepared to be told I’m being selfish, I may just be a little sensitive as DH has form for prioritising others over me and the kids.

I (injured) should have been DHs priority, not BIL (unwell)
OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 20/05/2024 22:35

I actually would have expected dh to go to brother urgently and I’d have called a friend to come over and be with me.

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 20/05/2024 22:35

Your injury was a minor head injury.

your BIL was unconscious and in immediate danger

YABVU

AloeVerity · 20/05/2024 22:32

What @gamerchick said. How selfish of him! BIL had three other adults to potentially help. He didn’t need DH. You did! He was meant to be with you for those 24 hours and that’s before the kids to care for. What would have happened if you’d got ill and couldn’t care for them? What an idiot. Clearly can’t (a) prioritize in general and (b) couldn’t care less about you. I’d be reconsidering my marriage.

Original poster
Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 22:31

AdaColeman · 20/05/2024 22:22

Your partner's first responsibility was to care for you and your children, of course he should have stayed with you. That he went off without a word, shows you how low on his list of priorities you are @Bottomburpsandpops .

The brother had three other adults he could have called on for help, his partner or his parents should have been assisting him, not your husband.

Does this type of behaviour happen often from him? Is he someone who enjoys being the centre of attention, receiving congratulations for his generous helpful actions?

That's a well known personality trait, that helps to boost their egos. It gives them a real boost to receive praise, especially from people at a slight distance from their immediate family circle.

If he had stayed at home to look after you & the children, no one would have thought it exceptional, but by driving to his brother, staying late at hospital with him, he was able to make himself into a hero figure, with everyone saying how wonderful he was. Except you of course @Bottomburpsandpops !

That’s a really interesting perspective.
he’ll always jump at the chance to help anyone, which is really lovely until the kids are disappointed that he’s never here because he’s always off doing a favour for someone else. We had a discussion the other day where he said he was going to help someone with adding something (decorative- not mechanical/functional) to their car. These favours usually take a whole day once he’s travelled there, done the task and then hung out/chatted/had lunch with them and then offered to help out with something else. I asked why he can’t ever insist that people come to him, if he’s doing someone a favour, they can put themselves out to travel here so it becomes a 1-2 hour job instead of most of the day taken up helping others. And he can spend some time with us. If they want a tool fixed, help with a laptop etc, bring it to him.

As usual, he said nothing.

OP posts:
SilentSilhouette · 20/05/2024 22:29

Ouch!

If my OH had done this I would be reconsidering the relationship!

You're the mother of his kids and he left you alone with them with a head injury! Wtaf?!?!?

And he didn't even need to go as there were already adults there.

If it was super urgent then he should have found someone else to stay with you before leaving.

Having had a head injury in a car crash and feeling fine then 12 hours later feeling sick and dizzy I have a lot of empathy for you in this situation.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 20/05/2024 22:26

Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 21:01

Yeah, I guess so, but he was only convulsing for a short time and was fully conscious by the time SIL called.
i dunno, maybe I’m just being selfish!

Show quote history

I don't think you're being selfish, but equally I don't think he is either. I think he wrongly assumed you'd be OK because you looked OK, and he panicked about his brother.

We don't always act ideally when we're under pressure and stress.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/05/2024 22:24

You get a call saying a family member is having convulsions... you don't think clearly or rationally. "Oh should I stand here, faffing about or should I rush over there in case DB happens to die?"

If DB had been ill, seriously ill, maybe was in a coma or had died, would you feel the same? At the time it was unknown how bad it was...

It does sound like there's a pattern of neglect from your OP but equally I don't think in this situation he would be thinking normally.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2024 22:23

Zippedydoodahday · 20/05/2024 20:56

Hmm, I was thinking you might be overreacting a bit until you got to the part he left you in sole charge of the kids. That's pretty awful, because in the unlikely event you had passed out or something the kids could have come to serious harm. That seems an unnecessary risk to take when there were others to care for BIL.

I agree

AdaColeman · 20/05/2024 22:22

Your partner's first responsibility was to care for you and your children, of course he should have stayed with you. That he went off without a word, shows you how low on his list of priorities you are @Bottomburpsandpops .

The brother had three other adults he could have called on for help, his partner or his parents should have been assisting him, not your husband.

Does this type of behaviour happen often from him? Is he someone who enjoys being the centre of attention, receiving congratulations for his generous helpful actions?

That's a well known personality trait, that helps to boost their egos. It gives them a real boost to receive praise, especially from people at a slight distance from their immediate family circle.

If he had stayed at home to look after you & the children, no one would have thought it exceptional, but by driving to his brother, staying late at hospital with him, he was able to make himself into a hero figure, with everyone saying how wonderful he was. Except you of course @Bottomburpsandpops !

BruFord · 20/05/2024 22:20

He shouldn’t have left you in charge of the children and as a PP said, why did your SIL ring three people instead of getting her DH to hospital ASAP?

Original poster
Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 22:18

But I’m not saying he shouldn’t have gone to hospital or no one should have gone round, I just thought that already having 1 driver with a car there and two other drivers with cars only 5 minutes away would be enough when he was convulsing for 10-20 seconds. It didn’t make sense for someone 20-25 minutes away and in the opposite direction to the hospital with an injured person and two dependents alone at home to also go.

I think an earlier person summed it up really. It’s not an isolated incident and me and the kids are never the priority, so it’s probably tainting my perception of this.

he hasn’t said anything other than that he felt he did look after me. It’’s like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 20/05/2024 22:18

I view this from a perspective of options.

Your BIL had the option of being taken to hospital by his wife or parents. Your DH was not the only available person to provide support.

I'm surprised she wasted time ringing multiple family members rather than getting in the car or calling an ambulance.

On the other hand he left you with no option but to look after your children with a significant injury. He risked your wellbeing and that of the children in favour of his brother whose wellbeing would not have been compromised if he failed to act.

I'm not surprised you are annoyed and upset.

He behaved very poorly and clearly signalled where you sit in his list of priorities.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/05/2024 22:16

@Bottomburpsandpops Is sil in the habit of not being able to cope with emergencies??? god help her when they have kids!

Lamelie · 20/05/2024 22:14

Being charitable it sounds like everyone panicked. Less charitable sil is a wet lettuce, DH thoughtless and his parents too. If they knew you shouldn’t be alone one of them could have come over to you. Once sil and DH had drama llama’ed
Flowers

Jhgdsd · 20/05/2024 22:14

YANBU.
Hard to believe he would leave you in that state with two children.
Unbelievable.
I hope you are ok.

Original poster
Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 22:09

Maddy70 · 20/05/2024 22:05

Its not nice but you were well enough to be sent home you are just sore nothng life threatening . Your bil collapsed and was sent to TOO hospital he xould have been having a heart attack!
I would have sent my DH in a flash not thought he should have stayed with me at all?

Show quote history

He wasn’t sent to hospital. He fainted, convulsed and then was up and aware of his surroundings. SIL decided he should go to hospital. He wasn’t treated, just checked over, and had a very long wait in the waiting room as the hospital didn’t feel he was a priority.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 20/05/2024 22:08

Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 20:55

He wasn’t really torn to be honest. He just left. Didn’t ask if I was ok on my own.

His actions speak for themselves.

Maddy70 · 20/05/2024 22:05

Bottomburpsandpops · 20/05/2024 21:19

And to clarify, it wasn’t just stitches, over half my face is cut up, grazed and bruised as well as a bruised head.

Its not nice but you were well enough to be sent home you are just sore nothng life threatening . Your bil collapsed and was sent to TOO hospital he xould have been having a heart attack!
I would have sent my DH in a flash not thought he should have stayed with me at all?

2chocolateoranges · 20/05/2024 21:56

I can see it from both sides however as far as dh was concerned you were safe at home with the children , whereas his brother had collapsed and appeared to have a seizure , I’m sure panic set in and at that moment his brother was his priority as his case seemed more serious.

i do hope he kept in contact with you when you were home alone.

hope you are feeling better too .

DoreenonTill8 · 20/05/2024 21:52

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 20/05/2024 21:27

It sounds as if he panicked.

It does sound as if BIL’s episode seemed v alarming to begin with.

He shouldn’t have left you , no. Was it that you seemed stable and OK and he just panicked?

In the end, nothing bad did happen. But it isn’t surprising that you feel he didn’t take your concussion and injury seriously enough.

Have a serious calm talk. Tell him how vulnerable and taken for granted you felt / feel.

Agree with this.

gamerchick · 20/05/2024 21:51

You're not selfish, you've just found out your bloke doesn't have your back. It's a blow.

TeaKitten · 20/05/2024 21:48

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Is he always like this?

lhlh · 20/05/2024 21:45

I think your dh was reckless leaving you, particularly with young kids with SEN. MIL and FIL should have taken BIL and SIL and your dh should have looked after you and the kids.

FragileWookiee · 20/05/2024 21:39

Yeah, he shouldn't have left you with such young children.
Even once he had got them to the hospital, did he not think to come back to you?
I'd be pretty fuming to be perfectly honest. He could have asked one of his parents to come to you if he had to 100% stay with his brother.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 20/05/2024 21:37

IMO, whose medical condition was worse/potentially worse is irrelevant. Your husband should have stayed to take care of you and his children while knowing that BIL had his wife and also his parents to deal with him. He didn’t need to be the fourth adult there.

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