Comparing my mother to my mother in law re grandkids - where do you stand ?

Leave your mum to it. She’s a grown woman who can decide how she chooses to interact with her DIL/grandchildren.

I think we’d get a very different story if your SIL posted on here, I imagine.

The more you say, the more your mum sounds like a pain. The advice you should give her is to keep her opinions to herself on SILs parenting and then maybe she wouldn't get frozen out. Good for your brother that he has his wife's back. Your mum should spend the "we're too busy" weeks/months reflecting on her behaviour.

As per pp, this drama llama sounds exhausting and point scoring.
And its the first thread where 'DOES NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!' is bloody relevant!

It all sounds exhausting and tiresome to be honest! Here's a thought - let your mum sort out her own relationship with SIL and grandchildren and keep your advice/thoughts about what she should do to yourself. I don't know why you'd want to intefere, they're both adults, let them get on with it!

I think I understand how you feel - I have a mother who is very loving, but is a massive sulker if she’s upset and just shuts off and gives the silent treatment to anyone that pisses her off (ie disagrees with her). I’ve tried talking to her about it but it just makes her more upset, and I’ve just kind of come to the conclusion that she’s not emotionally robust enough to have these conversations. My opinion is that she needs to do some internal work on her issues (don’t we all!), but that’s on her. I’m far from perfect myself, but identifying these traits helps me take actions to ensure that I don’t replicate these habits. I choose to accept her how she is, and allow her to carve her own path in life, because trying to change someone is, in my experience, an exhausting and fruitless task.

This post I saw on instagram words it quite nicely;

Don't get why everyone is being so mean, is everyone normal off doing normal stuff today?

This is tricky OP and I can imagine being in this situation - as you or your mum! I really envy the not caring scenario and think I would be more sensitive myself.

I would tend to agree that the men need to take some of this burden on rather than it being the women who take all this on (as well as who suffer the impact on their relationships...) - so maybe that's what I'd suggest to your mum: to involve your brother. And maybe also to think about what she wants and what's good for her - if that's seeing the grandkids then putting her pride aside to spend time time them is an act of self-love rather then a acceptance of being treated badly. What's your feeling - it seems like you may feel a bit frustrated with her on this?

Hope it works out and please don't take these rather mean first people as representing of everyone on here! I find this kind of thread instructive, relatable and interesting.

That’s the weirdest single statement on this thread. I live within a few minutes’ drive of both my parents and PILs. We see a lot of one another. Both sets are difficult in their own ways. No one ever approaches this level of drama.

Ahh, OP, I feel for you. I think you’re stuck with a DM and a MIL who both want the best for their grandkids, but don’t understand how to relate to their daughters / daughters in law.

You seem like you want both matriarchs to have the best relationship with their grandkids, regardless of how you feel about the matriarchs. I really respect that.

Ultimately, it’s not your job to fix your mums relationship with your brothers kids. That’s his job. Don’t get involved anymore. If your mum starts trying to vent to you, tell her to vent to your brother instead.

If you have a relationship with your brother where you can get all the cousins together then do it, invite your mum and that might take some pressure off.

sounds as if you all need to grow up.

Has your Mum asked for advice? Not sure why you are getting involved in your Mums and SIL relationship.

What a drama. You all need to keep yourselves in check. Why on earth do you all keep having issues with each other?

We are all close. We literally live within 15 mins of each other , my family and my DH family, but we don't ever have this level of pettiness. I couldn't cope living like that!

Seriously, if you read your own posts you know that the only advice you need to give your mum is to stop criticising and picking at your SiL. If nobody has asked for her opinion on SiLs parenting, she doesn't offer one.

It's really horrible to use the children as a weapon to punish their grandparents. But yes obviously your mum should discuss it with either her DIL or her own son.

Probably off being grown ups, unlike the females in this family

It all sounds far too much like an episode of Eastenders

I don't blame SIL tbh, sounds quite si ilar to my MIL. It's taken me time to let MIL's behaviour go, and my husband understands my position so doesn't push me into seeing MIL more than I have too, makes up excuses about me needing to get some work done etc when takes our girls to see her.

Can your brother take the children to see her? As others have mentioned, all the pressure/responsibility seems to be on the mums, and none on the Dads. Our situation works as my husband takes on the responsibility of facilitating the relationship between his mum and our girls. So then the few times MIL and i do see each other, we can contain our frustration and appear pleasant in front of the girls.

So in terms of advice to your mum

• keep her opinions on parenting to herself, they aren't her children and she has no business giving her opinion unless asked directly for it
• she needs to ask her son to step up, mediate and support the relationship between his children and their grandma. Your SIL doesn't owe her anything, but your brother does

I agree, where are the husbands and fathers?

It really sounds like so much drama and hard work!

Why does your mother need your advice? Can't she sort this out between herself and your brother without your interference?

Maybe it would be better if you weren't all "so close" and put a little bit of healthy space between you?

Sounds hard work. Just behave as adults to each other .