Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding, Birthday, who is being unreasonable me or DH?

109 replies

weeedling · 20/05/2024 19:46

I have a friends wedding coming up in a couple of weeks. It's during the week and is an afternoon and into the evening do.

DH is not coming, he is in work anyway but he's not a big wedding fan (and doesn't know friend well anyway).

It just so happens that the wedding falls on DHs birthday.

He asked me if I'd be gone all day, I said yes I likely won't be back until late on.

He seems to think I should leave early because it's his birthday whereas I think a birthday happens every year, a wedding only once (hopefully!).

It's not a big birthday (I.e. 40th). He doesn't even usually do anything extravagant for his birthdays and he will be in work during the day anyway.

He doesn't have family living here which I do appreciate but he will have DC (his) with him so not alone and I have said we should do something the weekend of his birthday week too.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - you should stay at the wedding for as long as normal / go with the flow on the day, DH is a grown up and doesn't need you there on his birthday.

YABU - stop being tight, leave your friends wedding early to do something for DHs birthday.

OP posts:
Monstermunch2 · 24/05/2024 15:45

Does he just not want to parent his kids on his birthday,wants u there Todo the grunt work

LakeTiticaca · 24/05/2024 15:39

I don't get all this, grown adults throwing a tantrum because something else is happening on their birthday. Is it a recent thing? Unless it's a significant milestone birthday, why the big hoo-Haa?
Is it for social media likes or something?
Why not celebrate at the weekend (if your not working) so you can relax and have a few drinks.
Maybe I'm just getting old and out of the loop 🤣

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 24/05/2024 14:52

Sounds like he needs reminding that he's turning 38, not 8 (or whatever the right numbers are) and should bloody act like like it 🙄

Maddy70 · 24/05/2024 13:28

Nope. Wedding trumps his birthday. He can celebrate that at the weekend

ZombieGirl86 · 24/05/2024 13:26

Everyone has different ideas on birthdays. But if this were me and reversed i would be quite upset if my partner didnt leave earlier to take me out for a meal or at least somthing.

CharlieM60 · 24/05/2024 13:24

I don't think it's about his birthday at all, the clue lies in the fact that you've said he's not invited but wouldn't want to go anyway ?

Why wouldn't he? He's obviously miffed that you're going to something he knows he's not welcome at

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 22/05/2024 12:25

bananaramaterry · 21/05/2024 03:48

@TheNameIsDickDarlington the OPs DH was invited to the wedding, what are you talking about?

I was responding to the PP who said "the 50s called you don't have to ask permission" or something.

I was just saying I wouldn't have asked permission but would have spoken to them about it before accepting the invite out of politeness as that's what I would want from my DH if the roles were reversed.

I then asked if he had been invited to the wedding, after posted I re-read some other comments which I hadn't seen and saw that he had been invited but didn't feel the need to comment again about it.

Not sure what about my post was confusing.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/05/2024 07:31

So he was invited
He doesn't want to go
He's got the kids anyway
He couldn't go out if he wanted to as he's got the kids so the only option for going out would be a family pub type thing which you can do any time.
He's in work all day.
What would his suggestion be? You say to your friend sorry i can't come to your wedding I'm staying in watching telly with my husband?
Enjoy the wedding OP!

gannett · 22/05/2024 07:24

Your husband is being rather pathetic and needy, particularly as he isn't usually a big birthday person and you intend to celebrate on a different weekend.

I'm not one of those posters who thinks adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays at all, but I do think it's ridiculous to insist that one particular date in the calendar needs to be ringfenced. A celebration is a celebration whether it's on your exact birthday or the next weekend or even the weekend after that. It's actually a better celebration if the people involved aren't juggling other commitments.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask DP whether I could go to the wedding beforehand but then I don't think either of us have marked the other one's birthday on the actual day ever.

Bringbackthebeaver · 22/05/2024 07:20

Talipesmum · 20/05/2024 19:50

YAB a little bit U - I think you’re making the right call, but you sound pretty blase about it - I’d be going to the wedding, but making a right fuss of my DH in advance and helping the kids put a nice birthday plan together for him while I’m out. And I know for sure he’d do the same for me.

I agree. I think saying that he's a grown up and it's not a big birthday so it doesn't matter is a bit callous. It's still his birthday. Have some empathy.

I'd go to the wedding but make a fuss of him the day before and after.

bananaramaterry · 22/05/2024 07:10

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/05/2024 09:39

Riverlee · Yesterday 19:55
Was dh invited to the wedding with you? If he was that separate to spend time with you on his birthday, he could have accepted the invite”

Hell be looking after the kids.

Just his own DC, so could've arranged cover.

Shakeyshakeyshake · 21/05/2024 10:11

He’s an adult, it’s not a big birthday. Tell him to get a grip

mindutopia · 21/05/2024 10:09

You celebrate another day of his choosing and then he gets 'extra' birthdays. Dh's birthday this year was a day I had to be away for work. It obviously wasn't something I planned and the work trip was outside of my control (if I wanted to keep my job that is!), much like a wedding. We celebrated the whole weekend before, so he had like two 'birthdays' and then he celebrated just with the dc on his actual birthday. I don't think he felt like he missed out (and even if he did, well, he understands why I had to be away and wasn't an ass about it).

I mean, many years ago, dh went to hear Bear Grylls speak live and left me home on my birthday, we had no dc at the time, and he took the only car, so I was literally stuck in our very rural house with no other mode of transport for 2 days while he was away with Bear. 😂I mean, I wasn't thrilled at the time, but we just celebrated when he got back.

Evaka · 21/05/2024 09:44

Very strange if he's not a big birthday person..

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/05/2024 09:39

Riverlee · Yesterday 19:55
Was dh invited to the wedding with you? If he was that separate to spend time with you on his birthday, he could have accepted the invite”

Hell be looking after the kids.

Wakemeup17 · 21/05/2024 09:37

YorkNew · 20/05/2024 19:53

I think you should make a fuss for his birthday on the day before (if he usually does the same for you) even if it means two school nights out in a row. I always thinking celebrating a bit earlier is more fun than afterwards. You could always give him
an early morning birthday present too.

Hahaha I came here to say about the early morning present too. :)

GreenFairies · 21/05/2024 09:27

A good friend of mine was planning to do that on my wedding day because it was her mum’s birthday the following day and she wanted to drive to visit her (a 90min drive). Not a big birthday, just an ordinary birthday. Honestly, I was quite upset that she was going to show for just a few hours and then leave to see her mum who she sees every couple of weeks anyway. To make it worse, her wedding was on my mum’s actual 60th birthday and I went to her wedding instead of seeing my mum.

As it happened, we had to cancel due to Covid but it left a bitter taste over how she sees our friendship.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/05/2024 09:22

campingwithdoggo · 21/05/2024 04:37

@Lurkingandlearning perhaps he could have a new party dress for the occasion as well

😂😂

Mumofoneandone · 21/05/2024 08:25

Maybe leave some nice treats for him to find during the evening - favourite drink or food. Plus if he likes a special breakfast he doesn't usually have, maybe get that in for him. This way he's treated on his birthday and you can then do something together at the weekend!

ClonedSquare · 21/05/2024 08:20

I think you're not being unreasonable to prioritise the wedding. You can do something nice at the weekend, and could always do cards/presents in the morning before he goes to work and leave a cake for him and the kids later.

But YABU to bring up him having the kids as a positive for him. Him having the kids while you're out late means he has to do tea/bath/bed time for them and can't go out and celebrate with anyone else either. That's not me saying "oh a man has to parent, poor him", but let's not pretend it's the way most people would choose to spend their birthday after being at work all day.

LakeTiticaca · 21/05/2024 08:08

How old is he, 5? Tell him to grow up!!

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 21/05/2024 07:28

weeedling · 20/05/2024 19:53

Probably make me sound a terrible wife but I'd definitely not have asked first. It's a good friends wedding so I wouldn't miss it because DH didn't want me to go.

He did know it was on his birthday though, I told him as soon as she told me the date!

Show quote history

You absolutely shouldn’t have asked permission - it’s not 1824. He’s a big boy now and if he wants to see you so badly he can join you at the wedding after work.

TubeScreamer · 21/05/2024 07:23

There’s something very bizarre and unappealing about adults who make a fuss and/or sulk about birthdays,

of course YANBU.

stayathomer · 21/05/2024 05:49

BadLad
Does anyone get down the lead up to their birthday, and really down on their birthday, every year?! is the name of the thread (sorry it wouldn’t copy the link!)

stayathomer · 21/05/2024 05:45

BadLad

Would you mind linking to it? I had a look but couldn't find it.
Course, will go looking!

Swipe left for the next trending thread