To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

My DD practically hated DH for about a year (she was younger than 5, about 2 1/2 or 3 it started) always wanted me, would shout “no daddy!” at him, wouldn’t let him do anything, told him to go away all the time etc. It wasn’t constant but it was a lot over a long period.

Now…they’re thick as thieves, he’s her “favourite” parent. I don’t mean favourite in a negative way, just how they are. My point is, young kids can, and do, say things in a certain way due to an inability to properly express themselves at times.

I don't know OP...I think I'd be worried by this. None of my children ever said anything like this about their dad. And if I'd told him they had, he would have been very upset about it. Your husband's reaction is strange 😳 how often does your husband look after your little one on his own? Could he be disciplining him harshly? Does he smack/shout etc? Sometimes men don't actually realise how intimidating it can be to have a big angry man looming over you, especially to a little 5 year old!

DS also tells me "I hate Bobby from Year 2" and "I'm going to marry Lisa from reception" and "I'm never going to eat food ever again in my whole life"

Yes absolutely all kids say these things. All kids do NOT ask for Daddy to not live here or say he’s scary, not remotely in the same category as saying a teacher is something mean.

It's not normal and very concerning.

Your DH reaction is actually quite scary, who would be happy about their child being scares of them?

Do they have much time alone just the two of them? Did something happen when you weren't there, such as your DH lost hIs temper with DS? Did he shout DS in a way that terrified him? Is the rough play too much?

I know it can be confusing from your DS saying those things then being happy to see his dad, but even abused children love but fear their parents. Just stating that as an example- not saying your son is abused.

It could be that your husbands grumpiness/losing his temperature is actually what's causing your sons mixed feelings.

Definitely needs looking into and I'd start keeping a closer eye on their interactions.

"Can dad not live here anymore" "daddy is scary and naughty man"

If a child in my class told me that, I would be reporting it as a safeguarding concern.

DH is a grumpy bugger, the kids know this and we have a laugh about how he is always grumpy...never have they said they hate him and don't want him to live here any more

Your child is scared of his dad and that is not normal

All right.
Maybe I was projecting from my own childhood, had problems trusting adults.
You know the best!

I'm concerned about what your child is saying , it's definitely not normal and I'm more concerned that you have to ask.

I would be very concerned. And his teachers are also likely to be concerned. Your H sounds like a dickhead.

Please, please take him seriously. He is communicating his feelings to you in the only way he knows how.

As PP’s have said yes, this is something to take seriously. As your son trusts you enough to voice his feelings make sure you don’t minimize/dismiss these but validate them. (Which doesn’t mean saying “yes daddy is a grumpy git”, but means saying “it’s ok to be upset. What makes you feel that way? What can I do to help? Etc)

Two things which might be useful to keep in mind.

Firstly, children who are abused/have unreliable carers don’t usually hate the carer - their insecurity turns inwards over time and becomes self doubt/lack of confidence/self loathing etc. (You say he brought your H up after a hard day with friends at school - perhaps his relationship with his dad is what predicates how he feels at school and not the other way round?)

Secondly, as your H has had what can only be described as a completely unempathetic response to previous mention of this, you might want to take a moment to really consider what approach (if any) might work to shift his behaviour. If you don’t think he can/will change, then are you ok with that? How long do you think it’s ok for your son to feel this way and what actions would you consider to improve things for your DC? Do you think there’s any chance your H will perceive continued challenges by you on his parenting style as something to try and stop by taking it out in your son/minimising his feelings to his face/dismissing him etc?

I would highly recommend you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (read discretely, you can download on kindle app/Apple books if your accounts are private). See if it resonates at all. Also consider your H’s male role models and his relationship with them - does it fit this type of pattern as well?

Perhaps there’s a way to get through to him, but you might want a few days to think this through on your end to consider how best to achieve that. It doesn’t sound as though the scales are suddenly going to fall from his eyes because you bring it up again, and you don’t want DS in the middle. It sounds more as though he will lash out/blame you and DS/ minimise matters etc.

Good luck 💐

You should be very concerned OP. That is not normal. He is scared of your husband. Why would you not believe your child?

Does he ever say stuff like that about you? Well there you go then, it needs to be taken seriously, it's not like he's randomly saying it about anyone and everyone.

Op your son has literally told you that he finds his father scary.

His father has been told this and seems "almost pleased".

There's something wrong.

I think I'd be concerned about both what is said and the context. Like a PP, no I don't take much notice when my son kicks off because I'm sending him to bed or whatever... but he doesn't become nervous at a noise thinking I'm around the corner. Those are two very different things. Husbands reaction also strange, the only things I can think is at least he isn't down playing it and hopefully what your son has said is the extent of it. But I'd not be happy tbh. Home and family should be safe places for kids to be themselves and to develop, make mistakes and learn.

FFS.
Your poor son.
Problem is, you and your "DH" are presumably the only adults around.
😐

I would see this as a huge gift from your son. He trusts you enough to tell you honestly how he feels. That’s not going to last forever, at some point he’s going to start masking it. Now you’re getting information, listen to it.

My advice is to tell your DH very lovingly and calmly, but clearly, what you think is causing your son to say these things.

He might get cross and defensive but watch and see if something changes. If it doesn’t after two weeks, bring it up again. And so on.

I would only be worried if he didn’t act at all on what you say.

I mean on the face of it it’s alarming, for sure.

But. Last week I told my husband he was overreacting about something, and my 6 year old overheard. Since then she has said several times “daddy is just OVERREACTING isn’t he mum??” (he isn’t - I don’t think she knows what it means). I’m wondering - if you are kind of perpetuating an “isn’t daddy always grumpy” vibe, is that what your son is playing on?

I don’t think it’s normal for a child to say this about a parent when at a calm time. I also think that if a five year old remembers that the pe teacher was mean, they probably did do something that stood out compared to the other teachers.

This is heartbreaking :( the 'rough play' alone would be enough to make me want to protect my child. I fucking hate when adults inflict this on children.

I would take this seriously actually. Your DH needs to work on his mood/temper around your DC, and also needs to work on respecting his children's boundaries more. He doesn't get to have the whole family on eggshells around him and to impose rough play even if it's not wanted by the DC - that's not how functional, respectful families work.

My DS is younger so I’m not sure how normal it is for 5 year olds to say that sort of stuff but I do know that my DH would be devastated to hear his son say those things about him and would be taking steps to address it. Your DH’s attitude towards this is concerning.

I would take this extremely seriously actually. I'm concerned for your child. Neither of you seem to care about the fact that he is clearly stressed and feels unsafe. Get a grip.

My dh is firm with the kids. Sometimes I think too firm but nothing abusive. He would be devastated if he knew his kids were frightened of him. That’s the normal reaction. Being indifferent or even pleased is scary