To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

Many mums do act like this. Haven’t you ever seen them stomping their way round asda and snarling at their kids ti shut up?

Op has said he tells her he hates her when he doesn't get his way, but everyone seems to be ignoring that !

I would speak to your dh BUT in the context that he does it to other people too, I would speak to your ds about his choice of words when expressing himself.

He sounds depressed, stressed and overwhelmed more than anything else.

Hes also a parent, so with all due respect tough shit if he’s all those things. He should seek adequate support and keeps he’s stomping around and swearing to himself. And this also seems to be just excusing shitty male behaviour, if it was mum acting like the is for whatever reason, to the point their child was actively mentioning how miserable it was making them, MN would be collectively saying how she needed to sort herself out asap.

He’s a nasty, negative energy in your lives and your 5 year old has fully picked up on it. It will be hugely influencing his developing brain, as well as teaching him that this is acceptable male behaviour. And you’ve done nothing all thread but minimise it op, with ‘but but but’ and irrelevant comparisons such as what he says about school.

Home is meant to be a safe haven from the rest of the world. So if what he’s saying is so much worse than tattle about school, it means he is not seeing his home as a happy environment. And why should he, I’m assuming what you’re telling us is only part of your husband’s behaviour and who on earth would want to live like that, never mind a child?

A doctor said something to me once that stuck with me.
My DD was complaining of some pains she had over time with no obvious cause. After a series of questions (and multiple visits/tests) he was no closer to figuring it out. Of course it came up that was she perhaps faking it? Was she trying to avoid something or someone at school? Just seeking attention? Then he said to me privately that when a child says something the assumption should be that the pain (or feelings in your case) are real, even if one cannot see or understand why. Often a child will say 'that hurts' but a grown up will say 'no it doesn't', partly because the same thing might not hurt THEM. A child's feelings, physical and emotional, are as valid as an adult's.
My point is that this is not normal and you should observe their relationship and how your husband is treating your son closely. Plus how he treats you.
By the way, after years of investigating it turns out my DD has Multiple Sclerosis, diagnosed finally at 17.

Wow. No not normal, they should absolutely adore each other at his age tbh.

I mean it’s not ideal but I think this is a bit…dramatic.

He sounds depressed, stressed and overwhelmed more than anything else.

Not everyone is/can be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Life is fucking hard.

I'm not saying this is the same but my then 4 year old daughter started acting like this around her father and half brother, totally out the blue as she was very close to this brother before. Unfortunately a couple of weeks later it came out that he had touched her inappropriately and my ex had shouted and raved at them both to "fix" it and make sure our daughter didn't tell me. He was also known to be really vocally aggressive with a volatile temper. We left after I found out about what happened and it's been years but I never force the kids to see him if he has had an outburst on their previous visit and they don't feel comfortable. I don't want them thinking it's normal or acceptable behaviour. Are you happy living in that atmosphere?

I didn’t really like my dad being around when I was young (maybe 8+). It as much more relaxed without him around and no arguments etc. We had a complicated relationship.
I was a bit older than 5 though.
Have you asked him why he doesn’t want daddy around? I agree with others there is ‘something’ he’s not liking about his dad atm so you need to find out what it is.

He sounds like a fucking horrendous malevolent presence to be around. It is clearly affecting your child. Don’t underestimate how long it will have been affecting them either, it’s only now they’ve plucked up the courage to say something. 💔

Just read your latest update op and I think you need to seriously consider where to go from here.

Your husband needs to take this seriously and take steps to manage his moods so they don't bring the whole house down. A parenting course, therapy, fecking yoga, something!

If he won't even consider taking action, well... Do you really want to live like this forever? Do you really want this for your children?

What do you mean by throwing him around? That alone sounds bad to me. Listen to your son

Advocate for your child and stop ignoring his valid concerns.

If he’s raising issues at school I don’t understand why you’re ignoring those. You are teaching your child to accept being treated badly. Just say to the teacher “xx seems concerned about xx” and leave it there if he’s worried about something at school. And say the same to your DH in front of him. Teach your child it’s not OK to be treated badly by anyone.

I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it

This is very weird.

Listen to your five year old.

Er. No. That’s not normal. Sometimes one of my 4 would have said “mummy/daddy is grumpy today” or “ mummy/daddy is a meanie”. ( if we say no or told them off ) but never anything like this. Sorry but it’s a very concerning and I would try to get to the bottom of it. My husband isn’t a really hands-on father either but none of our kids would have said anything like this. X

Out of the mouths of babes.

When I was not yet seven years old, I filled out a notebook for primary school homework which was entitled 'All about Me'. You had to fill in words or react to prompts like 'What would you like to do when you grow up?'

In answer to the prompt 'What makes you feel sad?' I innocently, sincerely and precociously wrote 'Some films make sad. It also makes me sad when daddy hits the baby.'

My class teacher listened to my words and she sparked a very serious and much needed Social Service investigation, during which both my parents minimised the constant abuse and because they were articulate, privileged and private fee paying they wheedled out if it.

The baby who was constantly being hit, like me, was my 11 month old sister. She estranged herself from all of us. She cut my parents and her siblings out of her life. It has been 28 years since we have seen her. I miss her everyday. I have severe mental health problems because of this and other abuse. Our mother died without seeing my sister ever again. I know I will.

Please take what your son says very, very seriously.

Listen to your poor brave boy and protect his physical and emotional health.

Imo, your child is trying to express he doesn't feel safe.

Instead of being able to articulate and stand by what he's saying, he then minimises it. Not because he's exaggerating or making it up.

The first bit he said is the truth. The latter, because he is terrified of his father.

I think you're kind of minimizing your DH behavior. There really isn't any reason for someone to be grumpy on a regular basis other than they are controlling and low-key abusive.

Have you felt yourself changing your behavior to accommodate your DH in an attempt to minimize his grumpiness? Does your DH generally get his way most of the time?

I'd also add that you need to be aware that there is a high chance your DS will grow up and model his behaviour from DH. You will have a grumpy, aggressive male teen with zero respect for you and you'll wonder where you went wrong. This right now is where you are going wrong.

It may not happen that way and I don't want to be too harsh, and I'm sorry if this upsets you further, but your DS' situation breaks my heart.

Also kids sense feelings and negative feelings really impact kids so I can imagine that him sensing his dad isn't happy all the time must be hard

My 5 yr old nor my 4 year old has ever said anything like that :O

@Kusama My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often. He is also very into rough play, so lots of throwing DS around which I find annoying as the last thing DS needs is being wound up. I think it's unfair on DS as he then gets told off for being hyper.

So, you say DH is quite grumpy, exasperated a lot, sometimes shouty, has a pissed off vibe a lot, and occasionally really loses his temper.

These are all really unhappy and negative experiences of their daddy from a little child's perspective. No wonder DS is saying these things - no great mystery.

On top of that 'rough play', which DS probably doesn't really enjoy, - aside from the fact that it's a form of attention - and then gets told off for being hyper afterwards.

I have a clear memory of my own miserable shit dad aged around 5. Parents were separated, and I'd lock myself in the bathroom when he came to take me away for the weekend. If he'd been living with me, I might well have said to my mother that I wished daddy would go away.

"My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often."

Your son's comments combined with your above assessment of your husband's behaviour spells bad news. No child wants to be around an angry/negative parent and the effects of that can be life-long.

I wouldn't want to be living with your bloody grumpy DH, but I could walk away. Your son can't.

Your son will be a) very aware of his dad's grumpiness and therefore he wary of it and b) likely be in the stage when he's very much in love with his mum - as lots of boys go through. You do need to listen to him though, and your husband needs to take note. 5 is more than old enough to be expressing real feelings, as well as the usual playground stuff.