To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

Good luck with your meeting with DS's teacher. I hope it helps.

Oh, gosh, no that's not normal at all. And also not normal that your H is happy about it!! Please listen to your DS. There is something wrong.

While your H is right that it’s hard to live with small kids and money worries, he’s an adult and has a responsibility to manage his feelings. I was also depressed as found it hard etc but instead of expecting of my family to put up with my moods I went to therapy and took mood stabilizers- because that’s what adults do. I didn’t want them to feel that the house is nicer and calmer without me than when I’m there, which will inevitably happen to you if he continues.
Don’t let it go OP, if he wants a family he has to change/ do something about it.

Maybe he is a quieter lad and your DH likes more rough type play? It is concerning that your DS seems unhappy about your DH. If you speak to DH then dont get fobbed off "Its only playing,or I want to toughen him up" Not acceptable behaviour.Some me are quite physical and your DS may not appreciate it!

OP sorry to hear you're feeling so sad, it sounds like your were hoping there was nothing wrong and the above post sounds like you've been trying to gloss over your feelings.

His mood/personality is not a reflection of you or your children. He is right that having a family is hard, was he like this before children? If not then he may be struggling himself.

You can't help or change people that don't want to be helped. Do you have family or close friends that could have the children and you have a proper talk with him? Trying to bring up a sensitive subject after work and when the kids have gone to bed is probably not the best time if you're both tired- he is more likely to become dismissive and defensive. Is it possible for him to spend a few days or week elsewhere-with family or a hotel? Then not only does he get a break but so do you and DC. Then you can actually focus on finding out what the problem is.

You can see from my precious posts that I agree that it is concerning about what your son has said and your husbands reaction.

Of course you should put your children first

So, my husband has 'moods' like this, where he can't help from letting his frustration with something show, even if its totally unrelated to me, he will be in a bad mood and let that seep into his interactions with me and also does the stomping around, moaning under his breath, swearing etc.
I basically read him the riot act, I told him it makes me feel like shit, maybe he's annoyed about something but unless its a really big problem, he can't let it affect the atmosphere in the house. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to be careful & accommodating to him because of something that is just a minor inconvenience to him.
I got his shit sorted before we had our daughter though. It still creeps in occasionally though as obviously we're more tired/stressed than ever now but I just always remind him how it makes me feel when he's in a bad mood about something, even if its not my fault, he manages to make it feel like it is because he's not regulating his emotions. He doesn't ever want to make our daughter feel like that which has helped him keep a handle on it.
He would be absolutely devastated if she said anything like what your son is saying about your husband. He'd be desperate to find ways to connect with her to make her feel safer.

I understand this and if your son's teacher is kind and sympathetic it might be worth mentioning in case he has said something at school OP. It sounds like your husband's constant moodiness is having an effect on your little one 😔 if it's making him anxious and feeling unsettled and worried in his home, it has to be addressed. Sending you a hug, this must be very hard for you 💐

Or H is the strict one and you let things go past you
But do ask him when he says things like that 'why' is he saying it , what has happened

What does this "throwing him around" look like? That on its own would really worry me. Your husband will be huge in comparison to your five-year-old son. Aren't you frightened he will hurt him? Doesn't he consider he might? How would he feel if a 60 stone animal flung him around?

As for the moods and irritation and swearing and impatience - that must be really horrible. Your son will hear you appease that bully. What do you think he will learn from that?

The point is that you can't tell someone to change. It doesn't matter how much you tell him, that's who your husband is. All you can do is to tell him you're not going to live with it and remove yourself from the marriage. It's up to him, then. If he realises that you were justified (very doubtful) he might go to therapy and do a lot of work on himself. That's up to him.

I've just been to a wedding where the dad was there but had no relationship with the person getting married. Your husband needs to understand he'll be in that position one day. His own son won't want to see him. It's not that he needs to be told that, he needs to actually understand it.

When they say to tell the school that's to make them aware of anything happening in the child's life that may cause unusual or difficult behaviour and the teacher knowing why is important.

In this case, yes you can tell her, but this isn't something like letting them know a parent is ill or a pet has died etc. She can't do anything to help you with your husband, and she will be obliged to report this as a safeguarding concern immediately.

It is probably helpful for her to know but you need to take action yourself. For all the reasons already outlined. No these are not normal comments and you need to take it very seriously. If you genuinely don't think there is any chance of DH changing you need to seriously look at your options for leaving.

I am unsure as to why you think having a meeting with the teacher will help?

Would DH be open to speaking to someone professional? I mean if his attitude stems from a depression / anger problem, maybe dealing with that would be the right first step?

I was just thinking exactly this.

At five I used to say similar things about my mum. She was grumpy and aggressive in a similar way to your ‘DH’. When I was a little older I would ask if my parents could get divorced and could I please live with my dad. My relationship with my mother set the tone for the whole of my life, always being nervous, insecure and having little self-worth. Please don’t let this happen to you little ones.

I think it is unusual. DH regularly plays rough/chasing/monster games with DC and they shriek and run around in apparent terror but giggling their heads off and come back asking for more - they have never ever called him scary and DS (5) only calls DH naughty if DH does something that DS doesn't like e.g. takes away a toy that DS was being inappropriate with, if DS is in a bad mood and DH brings the wrong colour plate or something, or if DH ever accidentally hurts them (which he would immediately apologise for and check they are OK) - I think all this is fairly appropriate meaning of the word "naughty" for a 5yo (the plate thing is a bit age delayed but that's DS, not universal).

Playing rough can be fun and appropriate and helpful but DH should be able to rein it in before DS is getting overly hyped up.

The overall attitude/layer of anger and general grumpiness and irritability does sound a bit scary/intimidating. Do you find you're walking on eggshells not to set him off, or think the DC might be?

In terms of protecting them (or not) from his anger if you were to split up, I think this is a bit of a fallacy in that we sort of kid ourselves oh we can step in and prevent anything really awful from happening, or he's got to have a bit of a filter on himself because I'm there. But in reality if a child is feeling unsafe then that is a bit like living with a smoker - it doesn't matter how much non-smoke you're breathing out near the smoker, they are still being exposed to the smoke. So there is a benefit IMO of them having the experience of at least one home which is safe, always, rather than having that underlying threat at home all the time.

I don't say this to mean you need to lawyer up/divorce immediately - but I do think it's important to note that safety is considered one of the three key things that children need from their parents for healthy attachment - experiencing threat from a parental figure has some quite serious potential consequences, although this is more associated with a parent who is violent or unpredictable or regularly flies into rages. I don't know whether this would meet that threshold, but the fact your DS calls him scary would worry me and it definitely warrants a discussion/wake up call for DH.

Do you think he is depressed/stressed/struggling with mental health in any way? Would he be open to looking at that? What if you approached it as a concern about him, for his wellbeing primarily rather than the affect on DS - even though this is also a concern, I feel like leading with DS would be more likely to provoke defensiveness whereas if you present as being concerned about DH primarily and then express worry about the effect on DS as more of a side point or supporting factor, then he might be more open to considering it.

The other thing is that children do learn a lot from what they see so I wonder if your DS saying he "hates" you/other children when he feels aggrieved by something is a sort of learned aggression response? I know that emotionally aggressive outbursts can be normal at 5 (god knows, we've been through this too) so could just be totally normal 5yo emotional immaturity, but it's just probably something to keep an eye on in the context of other things.

OP, what do you want?

You've posted on here for opinions, the collective opinion is that this is not normal for a child to vocalise this constantly about a parent.

Yet you keep making excuses by saying DS makes throwaway comments about school friends etc. Those throwaway comments are normal. Yet you acknowledge yourself that want he says about his dad is concerning. The comments about Dad is not normal.

There is something really odd going on. The rough play sounds too bloody rough, yes I know its normal and an important part of child development with their dad, but does DS actually enjoy it? Especially if he also gets told off for being hyper- something that his dad has caused.

Your DH refuses to acknowledge anything you say. Is he one of those people that really doesn't believe that children have feelings and should be taken seriously? His almost happy reaction to you telling him what your DS has said is bizarre- is he on some sort of power trip? I don't know any decent parent who would show happiness about their child not liking them/being scared of them.

Children get fobbed off so much by the people that are meant to care for them. Listen to your son, watch their interactions carefully. Does this seem to happen more if they're left alone together? Why is daddy bad or naughty?

You need to carefully ask him what he means or to show you with toys (roleplay) why daddy is mean, and do it when your son brings up the subject. When he mentions it, that is when he is ready to speak. You might find it difficult to get him to open up if you randomly ask him when he's busy doing something else.

One example is my friends husband. He was a miserable twat and their DSs dappeared close to him (he was their dad). They were happy when he came home from work and didnt seem overlly scared of him.Her eldest DS had started saying similar things as yours, but never opened up. Luckily she felt that something was off and kicked him out. About 6 months after they split my friend found out that when she was at work he shouted and screamed at them all the time for the slightest inconvenience, and they were being locked in a cupboard for a few hours when he was being 'naughty'. Most of the abuse was emotional. Turns out he had scared them into saying silent about it. I dont think he had always been like that with them, it slowly built up until he became some sick twisted person that enjoyed the power over his kids. They were 4 and 6.

Being on your son’s side in your own head isn’t much use to your son though, the point is, are you able and willing to stand up to your husband on his behalf?

This is a horrible atmosphere for your two children to be living with. Your husband's behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

However, I'm not sure what you expect your son's teacher to do about it. This is very much outside of her job description. You are the one who needs to make difficult decisions and take decisive action. If you need support with this, Women's Aid or even Social Services would be a better resource than a Reception teacher.

I've not RTFT but just to give you a bit of reassurance as the comments I have read all say that it's not normal. It may not be normal in that it might not be common for children to say, but I don't think it's the end of the world. My dad was quite similar to your DH from the sounds of it, I still remember being quite scared of him as a young child and my sister has said the same. As we grew older I actually became closer to my dad than my mum, in my teenage years he was often the one I would go to to talk to over her. So yes, while he was a bit grumpy and that seemed scary as a child (I do also have lots of nice childhood memories of him too though, I loved him rough playing with us and the games he would play with us) as I got older it didn't affect our relationship at all. We are still very close, he has definitely mellowed out as well and although he still has his moments, you wouldn't describe him as grumpy.

It depends on whether you think your son is actually scared of your DH, or just playing at being scared.

I’ve always been the “preferred parent”, and DH is a bit stricter than me (meaning he tells him to stop doing things sooner than I do, no shouting or actual punishments). DS went through a phase of saying very dramatically “oh no, daddy’s home! Am I going to get grounded?” aged about 5, copied from various tv shows he was watching - he didn’t even know what grounded meant. I didn’t take that seriously, because it wasn’t serious. DS may not like being told to stop jumping on the sofa, but it isn’t harmful to him.

It sounds like you are less confident that your DH’s interactions with DS are benign. It’s that I’d be bringing up with DH.

TheFormidableMrsC · Yesterday 16:09
I would be very concerned if my child was frightened of his father and you're trying to minimise it. It's not normal, no.”

This.
Listen to your child.

I don't think it's a normal reaction to a parent either. Definitely not the same as saying they hate someone in their class. Kids sometimes say they don't like a parent, or even that they hate them, but that is generally in the heat of the moment and a reaction to them not getting their own way or during a meltdown. Your son sounds like he is anticipating something bad happening - at least something that he feels is bad. Perhaps he's worried about the rough play? Perhaps your husband makes him feel on edge with his bad temperedness? Perhaps it's something else? A child's default position is usually to love and want to spend time with their parents.

I have. I would say a supermarket environment is not fully comparable, especially if it’s only mum that does the shopping and has to take all her kids out with her whilst also thinking what she needs for the week, what dinners to make and the budget whilst primary age kids are whinging to put every haribo pack and box of Cornettos in the trolley then whinging how bored they are. No it’s not great either, but we’re talking about the home environment here, and what the 5 year old himself has said. If it’s got to the point of the child verbalising how unhappy he is then it’s gone beyond some usual adult stress seeping over into every day life.

Edit: posted too soon.