How is this ever going to be fair? (DH/ work/ house split)

I went to get a degree from a very prestigious university as a mature student with children aged 5 and 3. Even though I was working part-time by that point, it still came as a shock to the family set up. That was almost years 10 ago. I now work full-time in a very well paid but incredibly stressful job. My husband thinks he does a lot around the house. I disagree (but learned to keep my opinion to myself). My advice to you if you decide to go part-time is to 1. wait until the youngest is 3 as they become less needy and can play with an older sibling at that stage 2. massively drop your house keeping and child rearing standards 3. get as much hired help as you can afford. In a perfect world, a woman would have 3 lives: one for herself, one for family, and one for work. That's not possible. You might have to accept you children won't have perfect table manners, won't be eating home made food very often and the dining table will be dirty until 1 minute before dinner is served. There will be mess on the floor and you will keep buying socks because it will be more efficient use of your time that pairing the old ones. Family harmony is the most precious gift you can give to your children. Something will have to give and I hope your job won't come at the expense of your divorce. I suspect your husband isn't going to change. However, you can instill good habits into your children so you don't end up the house maid once they are older. I hope it helps

With two decent incomes, get a cleaner in daily for 1-2 hours a day? Get her to do the laundry as well.

How about a part time housekeeper, my friend has one for five hours per day, four days a week and she does the cleaning, lots of cooking, shopping, changes the beds, etc etc?

My set up has similarities with yours. We are a bit further along than you and I am still a SAHM. During school hours I fill my time with volunteering so I feel I am contributing and a hobby that challenges me intellectually and is social. It’s not what I expected but it takes the pressure off everyone. DC get what they need, which they wouldn’t, due to their specific needs, in wrap around care, I get time to do things I like, as does DH.

Especially with SN involved it is nice to have time to yourself to recharge and to have taken the family’s foot off the pedal a bit. Needing extra time to get things done (ie get a child ready in the morning, be there for a child when you’d otherwise drop and run) and needing time and space to deal with the extra stress SN brings is really useful. I still don’t feel good about the set up, but I think it is the right set up for us. I do call myself a carer rather than a SAHM though.

Money and housework are to some extent interchangeable - there are people who can do your food shop, chop your veggies, etc. you could have a cleaner come in every day for two hours and do the dishwasher and the tidy up and run a load of laundry etc etc. it does take work to set up the system but it is totally worth it!

I definitely echo what the others say - go back even a day a week and it will give you so many more options. It will also make you push your husband a bit more and help reset his expectations a bit!

The housework is the least of your worries.
You are losing your valuable work skills and making yourself dependent on your husband.

Get the minimum hours job you can to retain those skills. I know a doctor who worked just one half day per week till her children started school.

Sorry - but a husband who thinks that housework/childcare are not his responsibility is not a team player or to be relied upon.

If you have a cleaner, it will free you up to do the daily tidying up.

Go back parttime. 1) for your mental health 2) so you have some personal financial security.

Get your husband to pick up the slack or hire a cleaner/ part time nanny.

Sounds like you are in a pickle! Maybe jot some points down - pros and cons, why you want to go back to work etc. Hopefully this will start clarifying things for you. If you found your job stressful, is there any way of shifting in some way to change/reduce the stress, retrain?
Maybe try some volunteering for a bit, so you are doing something for you but can adapt as needed?
If you know your husband isn't going to pick up the shortfall with you being back at work, you have to make a plan that works for you, your children and your well being. If there is money to throw at it, do that ie housekeeper/nanny/cleaner.
There is no easy answer and with a child with suspected SEN, things will be tougher.
Hopefully your husband will get on board with helping more if he has shorter hours, but sometimes you need to get everything up and running first for them to slot into the gaps!
Good luck!

Can you use a childminder for some of the time so your dd isn't at daycare all of the time?

I also moved overseas for my dh's career so I know what you mean about feeling trapped. I think you are doing the right thing by going back to work. I didn't do that (I'm a teacher) and now I work part time and I'm really aware of how I bollocksed up my career. I felt vulnerable as an immigrant with no family support. Everything was so difficult as you have absolutely no background knowledge of how things work.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I suggest that you wait another year as that will make everything a lot easier from a childcare point of view. In the meantime, can you start some kind of work or volunteering that would not entail the hours/demands but begin to get you back out there and accustom your DH to the ideal that you’re not there to be at the beck and call of the family!

For example:

Phlebotomist - they always seem desperate for them in my local area and you could do it with your eyes closed!

Medical helpline work

Vaccinating people

First Aid volunteering at events

In the longer term, could you move into a different area of medicine?

Hope that helps.

You could go back to work and drop your domestic standards so you did only what was necessary to care for yourself and your children. Then if your husband wanted a tidier home, he would need to make that happen. One of the reasons men are able to succeed in their careers is because they opt out of domestics, as yours has done. No reason why you can't take a leaf out of his book.

I can't agree that a cleaner wouldn't help much.

Financially you would be in a good position so get a cleaner, get rid of stuff if you have too many things that make your home messy.

Get into a system for meals and laundry. If your husband won't do any of these chores then don't do his laundry and cook his meals.

Surely if he works so little you can easily return on a part time basis and he takes care of things when you work.