How is this ever going to be fair? (DH/ work/ house split)

I agree with others - time doesn’t equal money when it comes to a family household.

The person who earns more money from their paid work can’t say “well I get more free/ leisure time that you, because my working hours are paid more” - that’s not fair at all.

As a family you both need equal access to money and equal fully free time - and you work back from there!

I would go back at least part-time.

If he thinks his money can buy him out of doing the domestic tasks, he needs to spend it on housekeeping services, not expect you to just pick them up!

Can you see a life with your husband in the future? What do you want your life to look like for your self and your children? It seems to be a fundamental difference in values and attitudes really, does he want to work to come nearer your expectations. Do you have good times as a family?

I voted YABU, because I think you've already persuaded yourself (probably because your husband has been doing this for a while now) that he won't do anything or his fair share.

You need to take responsibility for changing the balance here, as he's obviously on to a good thing.

As PP have said, how much either of you earns is not relevant in this discussion. You're a partnership, so you share the jobs.

He won't like it, of course, but you are going to have to stand your ground.

Housekeeper?

YANBU to feel trapped. Are finances joint? Would he pay for a cleaner and nanny? I think you should be free to pursue your career as well. He doesn’t have to do day to day cleaning and child care if he doesn’t want to, but he can’t be a hypocrite and demand you do it if you also want to pursue a career.

I don’t agree that this is due to women setting some invisible bar too low for men. It is just a fact that not all men will even come close to the bar and only a handful ever exceed it.

He’s confusing income and responsibilities here, both of you will be working so the home responsibilities need to be evenly split between u both.
was his mum a sahm? Asking as my husband Used to have similar ideas about who should do ‘house ‘ work (even though I earned more than him , it’s actually still my job to sort out the house, probably because I’m female 🤣)
took at least a year almost of constant discussions to slowly change his mindset

Is it even possible for you to work as a doctor where you are?

I would say that earnings and domestic work need to be separated out. The domestic work has to be done by you, him or a third party. If he is saying that he doesn’t want to do it, he needs to pay someone else to do his share. Effectively that is what he is currently doing with you, but you are completely free to decide you no longer want the job (perhaps because you want to work as a doctor instead!) He therefore needs to either do it or outsource it to someone else (eg a housekeeper).

His attitude is very problematic though. He seems to believe that because he earns a lot, he owns you and you have no right to a preference. I’m concerned that you are in a foreign country and completely dependent on him. Are you considering returning to the UK at any point?

Could you get a cleaner for an hour every day or every other day if its general tidying you need rather than a deeper clean less often.

Money earnt is irrelevant, its all about hours.

As he only works 15-20 hours a week, he should be doing 50% of the housework and childcare too.

The only thing you can do if he refuses is to discount him and decide what you're capable of by yourself, and what your priorities are. Many women have careers and run homes alone, but given they have only 24 hours in their days, are obviously cutting back on or out sourcing some of the domestic stuff they'd do if they SAH. Clearly they think that's worth it for all the benefits their career brings. Only you can decide if its worth it for you. Because I agree with you, that for all the talk of what your H 'should' do, you are powerless to force him, and your only option would be to leave him. In which case you'd still have to do everything yourself, but without the benefit of his income.

Okay, so your problem is that your DH is not going to change or even see your point of view from what I can tell. Which means you have to take control. I have a friend in a sort of similar situation - she has 100% completely accepted that he's useless and focuses on what, to her, are the upsides - she likes that she doesn't have to negotiate or discuss anything to do with the DC or the house, it's all on her but also he gets no say. Similarly, while he earns a lot, she gets a lot of say over how finances are allocated - eg deciding on private school for the one DC who is struggling or holidays budgets or whatever plus all the daily stuff.

So, if you can accept a similar pro/con mindset with your DH, you can make this work.

If you want to go back to work, that's fine and entirely up to you. But you 100% have to get the help in as he won't do it. I'd be looking at some kind of houseckeeper/cleaner who comes in for a few hours every day to keep on top of cleaning, tidying, laundry, ironing etc. Can also do many of the household chores like shopping or post office runs or whatever it is that week.

Also, as a doctor, your choices are more than just going back to being a GP. Research (scientific research or even business related to medical stuff) or a slight retrain to something less patient focused.

I wonder if it would help to put on the table a plan that you start to work the same as he does (in terms of time (2-3 days), so there is no longer the whole ‘SAHP should do more/all of the work’. If you have the same workload outside the home, that is a very strong argument to have parity within the home. So you can draw up a schedule of tasks roles that you will both do, in terms of house / childcare - and make sure that they are equal. If he wants to ‘buy’ himself out of any tasks then he can always work more, and pay for a housekeeper multiple times a week.

I was going to suggest the same.

Have a conversation with your DH where you openly discuss the input he has domestically and how what he currently does isn't sufficient to maintain existing standards.
Your choice, as a family, is to either (a) get a housekeeper or (b) he picks up more slack.
I'd say (a) is better for domestic harmony.

When the children are a little older prepare to return to work two days per week and expect that your DH will help a lot on those two days - child care routines, cooking, shopping.

Employ a cleaner for half a day when you are home and ask them to clean bathrooms and kitchen and help with laundry.

Fundamentally, he doesn't respect you, OP.

If you don't want to get divorced, I'm not sure how you can really fix this. You can try talking to him, but if he holds deeply sexist views about your respective roles and responsibilities, I doubt that he will be open to changing his position. He sees himself as the provider and as far as he is concerned, that lets him off the hook for everything else. But of course, talking to him again is always worth a try.

With a husband like this, I think it's very important for you to go back to work and maintain your independence as much as you possibly can. You'll have to just let your standards slide in the house, it doesn't really matter if it's messy. Pay for a cleaner and good quality childcare, buy in as much help as you possibly can. And stop doing any "wifework" for your husband, just focus on essentials for you and the dc.

he is the type of man that does very little around the house and I doubt that will change.

This is your problem, not returning to work or disparity in earnings.

Yes Fair Play book and cards probably better than Kate Mangino book that is overly academic

Time isn't equivalent to money when it comes to family life. Just because he earns more doesn't mean he shouldn't support his wife and family. I'd recommend having a read of the Fair Play book. And rather than focus on who does what you could explore how to make equal leisure time. If he doesn't do much at all right now it sounds like he has a lot of leisure time and you don't and that needs to change. I would look at spending some of those earnings on outside help but fundamentally he needs to step up and be a partner and the Fair Play book explored strategies towards this.

The thing about his having more money therefore you should do the shitwork, regardless of actual hours worked outside the home - does this mean he imagines his wages are buying your labour? You are his paid domestic help? His live-in nanny / housekeeper / PA? Is that how he sees it?

If so then you need a contact, and you're entitled to sick pay, holiday pay, pension contributions, bank holidays off. Fixed hours. It's workplace sexual harassment if he touches you while you are working.

Hey @Giveupnow it’s irrelevant what you earn and what he earns. I’m staggered at all the replies coming up with convoluted ways for you to somehow find solutions to what isn’t the problem, completely missing the point! @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams is right. It’s also yet again the bar is set so low for men and what’s expected of them.

does he not see the children as equally his, or the marriage as a partnership? I find it so hard to find the right way to phrase these things to get through to some men and some women that it’s somehow not his job.

There’s a book called Equal Partners by Kate Mangino that might be helpful, but I think both parties have to be willing to make the parenting and marriage equal to even read it.

I hope others will come on with more practical suggestions of their own experiences. Could you remind him that men who do more housework get more sex?!

It is irrelevant that he earns more if you are both working FT. Any attempt to use that as leverage to do less within the family is sheer selfishness and abuse. It's just bloody good luck for him that he's well paid.

I would not think myself remotely superior to a spouse that earns less than I do, or someone who works FT within an industry that has lower salaries. That's just an ego trip.

It's not clear if you want to go back FT or not given the ages of your children and possible SEN issues. Irrespective of whether PT or FT it's time to sit down with your husband and tell him you want to go back to work for X days a week and how are you BOTH going to make it work. That you've followed him to X country [and back] and it's now time to restart your career for which you had many hard years training for. It is IRRELEVANT if it is paid 1/3rd of his.

There are financial options to outsource cleaning, childcare etc but as you've pointed out your daughter may need either more personal care in the form of a PT nanny or trained childcare worker, or more one to one arrangements.

Your DH's response will tell you everything you need to know.

I do think regardless of how much you earn in your job it's important for your own self-worth and identity to have something that you do too (and also as insurance for if something goes tits-up with your DH, not just death or divorce but job loss, ill health etc). Also as you are a doctor, presumably some investment in time now at a lower wage may well pay itself back many times over once you reach consultant and/or can build a private practice, plus pension investment considerations etc?

Where abroad are you (just rough area not precise location) - if middle east or Asia I definitely would be taking advantage of any local custom for plentiful/extensive domestic help to get back to work. Even somewhere where the culture is that cleaners only clean, not tidy as well then I still would try and get back to work with some form of paid for assistance, yes maybe all your problems can't be solved that way but some of them can be - if your husband really is going to do 0 to help practically he can still throw some of his money at the problem, as a PP said £££ can solve so many things if you're prepared to spend a lot of it, e.g. a nanny for the children, a housekeeper, a professional sorting/decluttering service, a meals service, a laundry service, gardener (although maybe when he sees how much these things cost he might reevaluate his thought on doing nothing at all around the house, you have to stand firm though that these are shared problems not your problems). It really would be a shame to waste 6-10 years + of medical education in order to tidy toys away? Particularly when you have a DH that earns well and works flexibly which really sounds like the dream combo in terms of being able to support your career as well as you supporting his in terms of where you live etc.

What kind of medical work would you be able to pick up where you are - anything career enhancing or would it just be ticking yourself over until you can get back into training? When do you plan to get back to the UK - or never?

All men think they do a lot a more than they actually do (as they don't see half the work women do just as women often fail to notice their contributions). I have been married for over 25 years and I learned to appreciate Confucious' saying "Change what you can change, accept what you cannot change and be wise enough to know the difference between the two".

Getting a cleaner will help because at least once a week the house will be in a cleaner state than it would otherwise be. The way to get him to pull his weight more is make him responsible for things he will notice. No point in making him responsible for the skirting boards but if he washes his own clothes he will soon notice if they are not done.