How is this ever going to be fair? (DH/ work/ house split)

I think you should work out what you would actually like to do and then have a conversation with him about how you can jointly achieve that. If he cares about you he should want to contribute ideas of how best to make it happen.

It sounds like money will be available for paid help so it's just a question of working out what he would be happy to take on himself versus what you should get paid help for. Talk details, list out everything that needs to happen (school drop off / pick up, meals, cleaning, tidying etc) and brainstorm together how to deal with each part.

He should definitely not be having an easy life at your expense but if you can jointly afford it and make it work without it being unfair to you then the choice to channel earning power into more time off is not inherently unreasonable.

I replied yeasterday. However, I had another read of your post this morning and saw it in a different light. Looking under 2 very young children is 70 hours a week job (plus being on call overnight 365 days a year). Your husband, on the other hand, does 15-20 hours per week plus commute. Do you truly want to go back to work or the real issue is you want the overall work more evenly spread? I am saying this because you said you found your job very stressful. I work alongside doctors in a hospital setting (as a midwife). Things haven't improved since you took a break, otherwise there would have been no junior doctor strikes (this conflict hasn't been resolved yet, to my knowledge). Lots of doctors are quitting, I hear this information first-hand. If the real issue is feeling undervalued and underappreciated at home, that the issue you need to address. Here is one idea .... Insist your husband increases his hours to pay for mother's help. You should be able to find a local mum to do 2-3 hours a day 5 days a week for small money (This would fit in with nursery hours and be a real bonus to a lot of women I suspect). It would be pocket money to your husband. However, it would give you a breathing space. Then you decide if you truly want to return to work as a hospital doctor. It sounds from your post you are at the end of your tether and feeling very resentful. Lots of people suggested divorce, it's a standard prescription for struggling women on Mumsnet. As if divorce and going 50/50 on children's custody is the best thing in the world. Since you have a high earner at home, I suggest you maximize your advantages. You can say to him you will be less tired and more willing to spend time with him in the evening. I say this because I suspect you are too tired to even watch TV with your husband at present. My suggestion would be to explore all routes of making your workload more manageable at home before trying to get into the job market whilst your children are so young.

I know someone who listed out every stupid little thing she did in the house and with her kids weekly. Bit like a bat shit star chart for adults.

She asked her husband to tick off what he is responsible for. He had the grace to look sheepish and start to step up.

Realistically, your husband can throw money at the problem. Doesn't want to do housework or look after his kids? Hire a nanny, housekeeper, gardener etc. He'll have considerably less cash to enjoy his "free" time with.

Go back to work. Time will tell whether a divorce is on the cards. He was presumably once upon a time a functioning adult, but has gotten incapable and lazy. At least if divorce is the outcome you'll be more self sufficient.

You do realise that he won't change. So you either accept that or you change something yourself to improve your situation.

If it were me, that would be divorce. Seeing as he contributed very little apart from money and misogyny wouldn't you be better off without him, if he also pays you maintenance?

Go back to work. Start divorce proceedings. Enjoy much improved quality of life. I've done it, got the t shirt.

Your husband is looking at this all wrong, but you know that. How much you each contribute to running a home and looking after kids is not directly related to how much money you bring home but how time consuming/stressful/demanding your work is.

Your career may be lower paid but it's important to you (and society!) and definitely demanding. Would he really be happy to see you run yourself into the ground trying to do it all just because you happen to have a career that doesn't pay as much? That's not a partner.

COuld you afford a nanny/housekeeper so someone who could do childcare when you're working and housework the days when you aren't. So if you worked Monday Tuesday and Thursday they'd do childcare those days (which could include children's meals and laundry) including tidying up after the DC. Then Wednesdays and Fridays they do housekeeping?

I knew someone who started off as a nanny but continued on with the same family doing a mix of after-school care and laundry/tidying/etc. That might be the sort of thing that would work for you.

If he's earning so much Billy Big Bollocks can pay for some help.

Household chore split should be based on hours you both work, not your salaries! So if he's 15-20 hours, and you're 30 hours, he does more around the house. Simple. Don't let him tell you that salary has anything to do with it. I bet your job has more worth than his, and also more stressful - not many jobs beat a doctor for worth! So argue that one if he brings up the salary again...

But to be honest, it would be easier to find a better husband. I don't understand why woman stay with men who don't respect them and treat them as equals??

I despise men who think money equates to effort. My cousin is a nurse. She regularly works 60+ hours a week. Her husband works in finance and works 25 hours a week. He earns about six times her salary, not including obscene bonuses, and believes that she should do six times the amount of domestic load. He’s a cunt, truly. I cannot stand him. It’s mutual because I’ve told him what I think of him. He doesn’t want her to quit work and ‘live off him’, either.

Anyway, this despicable mindset is very commonplace. Male entitlement is rife.

secretly feels as he earns so much he doesn’t need to do the household stuff

But what good is his money if it's not providing a better quality of life? You would be better off with a lower earning husband who pulled his weight. His money can't buy him lazy-husband privileges unless he actually uses it to buy his way out of chores.

My DH has a similar attitude to yours but the difference is he will pay for cleaners, housekeepers etc as much as I want, so he is correct - his money means he doesn't have to do stuff around the house. If I moan at him and say I've take on too much he will step up financially to take the load off.

I’d go for a cleaner/housekeeper and giving him a list of non negotiable tasks., not ideal but a start in the right direction.

actually, after reading your reply I would say you need to decide what you want. He doesn't respect you. No amount of outsourcing (cleaner, nanny etc) will change that. I would seriously consider what a future would look like witn him. It may be easier doing if solo with maintaince and hired help and a return to part time duties. bit gobsmacked by all these posters who see a cleaner as a solution to a husband who disrespects you so deeply and doesn't see you as much more than a housekeeper.

What specialty are you and where abouts are you in your training? How long since you last worked? Will you need to do a return to work programme? Are you looking to get back onto a training scheme?

You appear to have married someone who doesn't care about your career as long as his own needs are met

You have a few options:

1. Leave (but doesn't sound like that's what you're asking)
2. Drop your standards so that you don't need to do a lot, and he can pick up extra domestic chores himself if he doesn't like it
3. Outsource everything you possibly can that you're currently responsible for. If your wages are just going to be a bonus in the pot rather than needed for living costs, you can afford to do this. You should still have access to whatever family money you currently access, but make sure this stays the case
4. Don't go back to work on a contract, but pick up as hoc locum shifts. Have you got the confidence to hit the ground running clinically after some time out?

I would do a combination of 2 and 3.

Are you still abroad?

If you’re in the UK, what’s your medical speciality? If you’re a GP there may be some scope for negotiating some very flexible hours - some regions are so desperate for staff they will agree eg a school hours only two days a week post for a salaried GP. However I’m guessing you’re a hospital speciality?

I was in a similar situation with my DH. Not as he didn't want to split the domestic work but because I had to take on a load of the mental load.

i think it's essential you go back to work and outsource as much as you can. You are doing different roles and unfortunately equal work does not mean equal pay.

After years of feeling similar to you, I realised we are a team and there are some things he does better than me and some things I do better than him.

You need to feel a part of a team, which you are not at the moment.

he is the type of man that does very little around the house

He does this because he can get away with it because you're allowing it.

Where does he think meals and clean clothes come from? I'd read him the riot act.

You should return 3 days a week as if things go wrong, you'll then have a career to keep you going. Having a career is also good for your sanity when you have kids!

Hire a cleaner for a twice weekly clean, and be assertive with your DH. TELL him that the childcare and household stuff will need dividing equally, if not more on him as he works fewer hours. If he disagrees then show him the door.

My DH now does a lot more as he seemed to think his bigger financial contribution meant I'd do everything else. I told him I was his wife, not his mother, and that he needed to pull his weight, and that my role was not to wait on him hand and foot like his mum did! He's still a rubbish husband but at least it feels more like a partnership.

Your DH works 15 to 20 hours a week and must earn shit loads if he earns significantly more than a doctor.

You should be laughing- he has time and money , most ppl don't get both, some are lucky to get one. You shouldn't be tearing yourself up in this situation, you should easily be able to go back to work part time.

You say divorce isn't an option but I don't know why not when you are with someone who has all the means to make his wife comfortable and fulfilled but is willing to see you struggle. I guess if you're not prepared to divorce, throw shit lots of money at the problem and buy in help.

But definitely go back to work in whatever capacity you can. This man seems to only care for himself.

It's husbands and partners who can destroy our earning abilities, not children, even these with SENs.

This. I have several colleagues with children with SEN. They all work PT, as does the other parent, so they can share the work and childcare. Better for them, better for their kids.

If he only works 20 hours a week, what on earth is he doing the rest of the time? If he is out (golf, pub, whatever) then I’d question what he brings to the relationship other than money and domestic enslavement for you. If he’s home, then he will be contributing to making a mess and leaving it all to you to sort out? Unacceptable.

I wouldn’t put up with it OP. I would see if you can go back to work two days a week this year building to three next year. I’d employ a well paid cleaner twice a week for 2 or 3 hours each time - cleaner can learn to tidy, do laundry, and the extra tasks like cleaning the fridge or the oven, descaling the kettle, watering the garden or whatever!

you deserve a chance to use your skills.

This, about the pickle.
You have got earning potential, use it.
I'd rather do it alone and outsource help than have your dickhead of a husband at home.
You would be happier and wouldn't have to "drop your standards".
It's husbands and partners who can destroy our earning abilities, not children, even these with SENs.

Doctor here. This sounds tough. what qualifications/experience do you have? I'd have you CCT'd/ what area would you want to work in?

Regardless there are always locum shifts going. Could you try and get on the bank / with a local agency and see what's available, maybe starting with one of two shifts every few weeks at first? Less of a commitment and you could do fewer hours than 0.6 which is generally the lowest people go otherwise. It would give you a dip back into the system although I genuinely don't know how viable it is after some time out. There is support available for those going back to clinical work after some time away for sure.

Good luck and I'm sorry things are so stressful

I think this approach is the surest way and quickest way to divorce and 50/50 custody. You can't dictate to a man, never mind a successful doctor. I am not saying his attitude is fair however it doesn't look likely it's going to change. I think OP should go down the route "Help me feel fulfilled in my life" based on the type she's got for a husband

If you work 30h a week that might be considered PT by doctors but it's FT according to the UK government. If your DH only works 15h a week (that's just 2 days) then he can look after the DC the other three days when you are working. Might be the best arrangement for a child with SEN anyway.

Get as much paid help in as possible, do not get dragged into a discussion about your DH earning too much to do housework, if he suggests that just keep telling him the work needs to be done so either he does it or he finds and pays for someone else to do it because you are working longer hours than him and so don't have the time anymore. A cleaner, an ironing lady, a gardener, a window cleaner, a daily housekeeper, a nanny will all make a massive difference. Also, something like hellofresh for food might be an idea unless where you are living means you can afford a cook.