AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

Look I just want to also point out he’s probably not some sort of demon monster, just an entitled little shit. I would make sure she’s actually getting some advice about what the legal position is and ensure that she will be treated the way an Emirati woman would expect as a second wife. You can’t stop her from doing it but you can make sure that her fiancée is fulfilling whatever obligations he has towards her.

No amount of money would make me happy for my DD to do this either.

I would absolutely be over there asap too for a visit, because with you there as a bit of a perspective provider things may start to look a little different for her.

There's a lot of cultural judgement in these replies.

An assumption that the set-up must be 'abusive', 'misogynistic' and a 'sham'.

OP has said the fiance is a good man and implied that her DD will be wealthy, set up in her own home etc. As long as she's able to maintain independence, so that she can work and have her own money (and therefore an escape route should she need it) then I don't see why this should be an issue?

As long as she maintains independence and freedom, and can come home if it all goes tits up without the mrriage being recognised in UK law, then she has an escape route open.

If children got into the mix then it would be more complicated but ideally se'll have time to decide if the set-up works for her or not before having them.

So as other posters have said, let her do her research on the practical set-up. The pros and cons, and what her rights and situation would be if things go wrong.

And please don't cut her off - go to the wedding - she needs to know she still has you to come back to if it doesn't work out.

So you don't attend her wedding on principle after deciding she is making a massive error. What happens next? Do you never go see her again? Never get to know her family environment? What if she is having a wonderful life and is happy with the set-up? What if she stays happily married for 20 years or more and has her own children? Do you want to alienate her and grandchildren for an ill-informed judgement or her life when she's 27? We all live and learn. Let her do this too, you did in your younger life I'm sure. Each generation thinks they know best; you have to support her despite your worries. Good parenting equals unconditional love and acceptance

I’d go and say things like “you don’t have to get married you know”.

Honestly I would be appalled, I would still go for my DD though. I lived in the ME and didn’t know anyone with 2 wives, it’s less of a thing now, it’s really not common in your DD’s generation at all.

Most muslim women I know would be furious if their husband tried to take another wife. I don’t think the first wife is fine with it for cultural reasons, more likely she wants him to not bother her.

Go and make nice with his family etc, it’s better if you get to know them.

I'd be horrified, but I would go. I'd also visit soon in order to meet him, and to talk with my daughter about the implications. Just to ensure that she understands how the land will lie if she has children.

I wouldn't go either. But as long as she always knows she's welcome home if things don't work out. For all the people saying you need to go or she will feel like she's not welcome home, it's 2 totally different things.

How does all of this work in practice?

Do they all live together in one house? All the wives, children and husband?

Do they have separate homes and he moves between them as suits him? Or by agreement with them? Might she not see him for several weeks at a time? Presumably he can do as he pleases in trrms of where he sprnds his time?

Sexually, are they separate relationships?

What is the legal status of your daughter's earnings? Are they hers or do they go into a common pot that is used to support his other wife/wives?

What will happen if they divorce? Are his other financial commitments taken into consideration?

How will she feel if he chooses to have another two wives and children?

Is he very wealthy?

I assume the marriage is not recognised in this country as it is bigamous?

The daughter has been living and working there for a while so that ship has sailed.

Do you have anything in your house that was made in China?

Actually you need to go now and get the lie of the land. Meet him and his family. Grin and bear it January is a long way off. I think that you need to support your daughter as it's quite possible that this will end up in tears.

I’d go, OP, and stick very close between now and the wedding, for all the reasons other people have mentioned.

I get your instincts are to not support it and I think most would feel the same but I think I would still go. Not to support it but so your daughter doesn't dig her heels in if it all goes wrong and knows she has your support even if you don't support her marriage

I would question whether she is happy. She must be desperately in love if she is prepared to be with him on these terms and it’s unlikely she will be happy knowing he’s away shagging his first wife. And what happens if he gets a third wife?

OP go to the wedding and support her. She will need it.

The first wife will be cool with it in the sense that she knows the deal. She will be Emirati. As first wife she has primary wife status and as an Emirati she has superiority. She will also know that OP may be flavour of the month but one day the husband will focus his attentions elsewhere and take another wife, but she will still always be the primary wife.

I wouldn’t go

By going you are not approving anything she is an adult and is making her choice. As difficult as those choices may be.By going you are saying I am here ready to support you.

I don't agree with the practice either but my concern would be if she has children as I understand the law differs considerably.

My first instinct would be to not want to go, but ultimately I know I would go. Not just to maintain a good relationship with my child, but also to be able to gauge the situation at first hand. I definitely wouldn't be happy about it and would see it as an oncoming and unavoidable car crash, but she's 27 and it's her life. As others have said, being there to help pick up the pieces is your eventual role in this. Or maybe all will be wonderful. I just don't see it though.

I'm in this camp.

Imagine she has last minute cold feet but you arent there to tell her she can call the wedding off and it will all be okay?

I find it very odd that the first wife is 'cool' with it all. Has your daughter met her? even in the social classes you speak of, it is very unusual for a man to have the consent of his first wife before marrying someone else, particularly if that person isn't from the same culture.

In all honesty, as a parent I'd expect you to be front and centre in her life going forward, be at the wedding even though you don't support the marriage, you need to be there to see what is going on; your daughter is likely blinded by the situation and not seeing things for what they actually are.

I have said YABU because this will turn out very badly for her and she needs to know you will support her when it all blows up.

Wow hope you’re not a parent!

Basically she is the "other woman" coming from her own culture's perspective.
I would be very disappointed if one of my daughters were in that position.

What a dilemma for you.
I have no answer.
What would happen if her marriage goes belly up and there are children involved or if he decides to take wife No. 3 ?

it’s so easy to wave your high morals when it’s a hypothetical situation, isn’t it?

I understand your views, it wouldn't sit well with me either but I would attend because I would want her to know I always had her back, no matter what.

To add to my earlier post, you can say that you were shocked but you want to support her. And be curious and interested rather interrogatory about the arrangements-
Ask about the wedding (what events she will be involved in, dress code etc. Aask about how married life will work, will she convert, will she still work, what happens with holidays/travel, festivals, will she still be able to come and visit you, will you be able to go and visit her. What happens about children, what happens about money, what happens if he wants to take another wife.

Obviously you don't ask them all at once