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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

230 replies

GladCat · 20/05/2024 08:36

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Headtothestreets · 22/05/2024 17:49

I’d be gutted too. But you have to go, to maintain your relationship and show your support of her. If she needs you in future years, she needs to know you are there for her.

Pegsandlola · 22/05/2024 16:38

Having lived in the UAE it is very unusual for an emirate to even socialise with a westerner let alone marry. Her life will change beyond belief please please support your daughter, in the future she will need you.

paprikaforever · 22/05/2024 15:25

oh and If you obtained your citizenship through marriage, you are generally entitled to that citizenship even after a divorce

paprikaforever · 22/05/2024 15:24

also the new UAE divorce law

The new law also amended the child custody. Aiming to preserve the psychological health of the child and limiting the effects of divorce on the children, the new law establishes the concept of joint custody as the general principle after a divorce.

paprikaforever · 22/05/2024 15:23

Under the new law in UAE either spouse can express his/her wish to separate and not continue with the marital relationship before the court, without having to justify the request, indicate damage or blame the other party. A divorce takes place through a court judgement at the first hearing.

UK only just introduced a no fault divorce too

LemonTurtle · 22/05/2024 15:22

The only thing you accomplish by not going is pushing her away from you. If she needs help out of this situation in the future, she will feel less comfortable reaching out to you. You will have less access to your grandchildren. I would go but also inform her if her parental rights that apply to that region.

BadlyDrawnRoy · 22/05/2024 15:05

If it goes tits up, she'll have to come home. UAE law makes no provision for wives in divorce, and her citizenship will be immediately revoked (if indeed she has UAE citizenship) if the marriage ends. Also likely if she has children with him (or by him, as they say in that part of the world) she will not be allowed to take them with her. Be warned....

paprikaforever · 22/05/2024 15:00

by not attending - you will no doubt be delighting him

paprikaforever · 22/05/2024 14:59

justafleshwound2024 · 22/05/2024 11:39

I'd be rage crying at her repulsive decision to degrade herself and absolutely could NOT sit through this horror show. You've got a perfect right not to go.

But make sure she knows you love her and will come running when she needs help.

i couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter doing this alone

i would be right there. To support her AND to show his family that’s she’s not some vulnerable woman alone in the world. Her family are very much there for her

Battytriker · 22/05/2024 14:58

Speaking from experience, please go or you will risk causing irreparable damage to your relationship. Your DD needs to know that you are there for her especially if things don't work out.

Jennaxoxox · 22/05/2024 14:41

When I was young I had a terrible boyfriend. He was in and out of jail, always in court, took drugs, hit me etc. my mam and dad supported me with gritted teeth. 5 years they waited for me to get rid of him. If my mam/dad had refused to accept my boyfriend I would have moved out, and prob have kids with him 🤣
I
think you should support your daughter go to the wedding etc. You know it will end in tears eventually, support her as much as you can and be patient.

JollyZebra · 22/05/2024 13:30

For a Western woman this seems an odd choice to make. Make it clear to her that you are always there for her, no matter what your views are on this practice.

user1471556818 · 22/05/2024 13:27

Oh god I just couldn't go I'm afraid.
I would put the money away and tell her it's there if she needs to leave .
I would be very much telling her I loved her and would always be here for her .
I really wish you all the best but I would be devastated in your shoes

ForgottenPalace · 22/05/2024 13:23

Westfacing · 20/05/2024 08:44

In the Middle East having more than one wife is not that common, despite what people claim, particularly among the young and well-educated.

And whatever people say, the first wife is rarely cool about another wife!

I wonder what your daughter thinks is in it for her... is the guy extremely wealthy?

Exactly! Well said!

BlueMum16 · 22/05/2024 13:23

Mangoooo · 20/05/2024 11:08

I have a few questions about women's rights over there. Does the man have full parental responsibility for the children? As in he has full say on how his children are raised? Sons having more freedom and treated better than daughters? If she divorces him then is it illegal for her to take the children out of the country?

Op, I think you need to look into these laws and how they may restrict your daughter's freedom (and her future children's).

I would be worried about this type of scenario too.

You/she needs to know her options if she chooses to move /leave etc.

Loss of freedom seems a very likely outcome here in some form.

ForgottenPalace · 22/05/2024 13:21

Go. We all mistakes in life and she will need you should the marriage fail. But I do, however, understand how you feel. Your feelings are not unreasonable but you deciding not to go is quite unreasonable. Trust me, she wants her mother there!

user1492757084 · 22/05/2024 13:19

I agree with you, however I would have to go and be supportive for if/when your daughter needs to escape.

Help her to ask legal questions about the marriage...
Where does the marriage sit legally in the UK.
What assurance does your daughter have as the custodian of her own future children?
Will your daughter remain the owner of her own wages etc?
Can she own property?
Can she own and drive a vehicle?
Can she keep her British Passport?
Is her Will valid?
Will she have the freedom to travel?

Encourage her to bring the young man over to meet the extended family.

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 22/05/2024 13:17

I used to live in the UAE as a teacher too. She'll be absolutely loaded marrying a native and her future children will be set for life. That said, I also don't condone the archaic set up. Living there definitely makes the bible feel like present times. It's so interesting. There's also a dark underbelly of the UAE that nobody is allowed to talk about

justafleshwound2024 · 22/05/2024 11:39

I'd be rage crying at her repulsive decision to degrade herself and absolutely could NOT sit through this horror show. You've got a perfect right not to go.

But make sure she knows you love her and will come running when she needs help.

RedPony1 · 21/05/2024 10:57

Tough one. She's made a shockingly awful decision, you were right to tell her that.

If you don't go, you're "unsupportive"
But if you go, you won't be happy, you won't be pleased for her and you'll probably want to cry the whole time.

paprikaforever · 21/05/2024 08:30

Given i would visit my children in prison no matter what they’d done (and that includes even the very worse crimes we can think of)… then id certainly be present at my child’s wedding even if i didn’t agree with it.

My love for my children really is unconditional.

Cliedi · 20/05/2024 19:15

You have to support her really or you’ll wreck your relationship with her and any grandchildren that will inevitably appear. If you voice your concerns but support her she’ll feel like she can talk to you if she isn’t happy. If she is happy, well then great.

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 18:10

Oh and also let's not be smug and imagine this couldn't happen to anyone regardless of our fabulous parenting. It can.

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 18:02

@GreyBlind The OP has conveyed her strong feelings.

GreyBlind · 20/05/2024 15:57

I suspect parents who would refuse to attend already aren’t that close to their kids?

I am so close to my young adult kids. Something would have gone seriously wrong for them to make a decision like this. I like to think I would have been aware of the situation way before the wedding invite popped up. I would have flown over, met the man and had serious conversations with my daughter about the legal, moral and personal implications of this marriage.

I would tell her my strong feelings against the wedding. And desperately try and dissuade her. As would her dad. We would speak to friends, find out what we could do to even delay things a bit. I would not be sleeping at night.

But if she didn’t listen, I would go there before the wedding and try again. And then I would be there on the wedding day. Just in case she looked at me and said, mum I can’t do this. I would metaphorically scoop her up and bring her home.

27 is an adult yes. But adults make bad decisions. I would give her an earful but still hug her and help her. She will always be my girl and she won’t stop being my priority.