Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

The fact she very suddenly switched to apologetic and sheepish.

I agree, I’m astounded at the text the op sent. It really makes the op look as bad as the partner, I’ve lost my self, I need soace, I love you. That’s not a break up on any planet.

Just be aware that you may get texts threatening suicide if she’s had attempts/threats before. I’m speaking from bitter experience there.

What I found stopped them was to screenshot them and send them to my exes sister. That way I wasn’t encouraging them

Oh geeze OP. You don't tell a mentally unwell person like her that you want space (breaking up) but you still love them, like that. That is giving them very mixed signals where they will be getting highs (she loves me!) to lows (she doesn't want me!).

She will never change, so what do you really want from this? To continue this relationship as it is, or freedom and self confidence to be yourself? There is no middle ground.

Just to point out here, there is no issue with someone being polite and carrying bags/opening doors, it's basic manners... But not to the point of badgering, pestering, taking over and doing it or sulking when someone refused! That is a massive issue.

OP you may well be in love with each other, but you're clearly switched on enough to realise that that "love" from her side, isn't natural. She is driving you away. 14 messages is absolutely ridiculous!!! Doesn't she have her own life, work, any other interests, friends?
I think you really do need to deal with this sooner rather than later, it's not love, it's obsession and it's not right, you can't possibly spend your life with a person as obsessional as this, she will consume you ❤

What makes you think she's read it? Hope OP is ok

What stands out to me is that you tried to end the relationship because it was adversely affecting your kids. Then she emotionally blackmailed you and you took her back. You put her happiness before your own children!
It can't be great for the kids to have their mum in a relationship with a very emotionally unstable woman. Someone who wants to be with their mum all the time, who attempts suicide, who hangs out with criminals, who won't leave their mum alone, who sends photos of herself crying if ever their mum wants a bit of space.
You're choosing to stay with her because she might attempt suicide. That's no basis for a relationship. Whatever she chooses to do to herself is not your responsibility. It's 100% her decision.
She's clearly very mentally unwell and not the sort of person you should be bringing in to your children's lives.
It's time to be strong and start putting your children first.

She’s read this thread!

HI NUTJOB!

Have you read all of OP's posts?

You are a professional, adult woman and mother. Run the fuck away from this dysfunctional situation.

I genuinely felt tense reading your posts. Nobody needs this much drama and infantilisation.

Yes that does sound a bit weird controlling and infantalising .

I haven't read the comments so just responding to the OP.

I think all of the other things on your list could be seen as sweet/endearing/eager and maybe a bit misguided, but the red flag for me is the sulking and the not liking your friends. I would be a bit worried here and might disengage especially if it is a new relationship.

This sounds like my ex who I ended up literally running away from at the end, I even left my stuff and never came back for it because I couldn't stand a single more minute of him. The only thing missing is that every time I left the house he texted me saying he misses me already and hopes I come back. All I can say is RUN.

Dancehalldarling
There’s a very true saying ( please think long and hard on this)
Dont rescue to the point where you have to be rescued

You can’t appease an abuser, and that’s what she is regardless of her own history. It’s coercive control, and recognised as domestic abuse. Her suicide attempts/threats are a classic example.

Do the Freedom Programme as suggested. Your attempt to ease out won’t work, and it won’t help her accept it. The best thing you can do for you, and your DC is end it quickly and block her. It ‘s like ripping a plaster. Otherwise you’ll continue to become more emeshed in what is ( regardless of you loving each other, and her good points etc) an abusive relationship.

OP am glad you’ve made moves to separate yourself, but don’t be surprised if she feels there’s a time limit on how long you’re allowed to have space for. She won’t interpret that as ‘breaking up’ just having a day or two to yourself.

From what you’ve described and the text, I am going to assume she may start calling you and checking up on you within a day or so. At which point you will have to make sure you have your defence strategy in place.

Good luck.

If she even lasts until the end of today, I'd be expecting any or all of the following;

Threats of self harm
Photos of self harm
Hospital bed photo
'Heart Attack'
Attack from one of the 'criminals'
Fall down the stairs/seizure
Text or voicemail 'to say goodbye'
Cancer - suspected either in her or a family member
Pretending none of this happened and everything's absolutely fine
Lyrics of songs about death
A 'criminal' family member wants to kill you, but she bravely defended you from them
Has been mugged
Need to talk to you about something really urgent and private
Disclosure of something else awful that she says happened to her
You were the only chance I had of a family

and some angry stuff, too - proper narcissistic rage. This can include disclosure of fucking somebody else just to make you hurt, whether it's true or not, trying to discredit your businesses, false reports to social services, etc, etc.

Klingons don't let go easily. Not when you had so much that they want (home, car, nicer friends or family in her eyes). Be ready for the claws.

Make her family and any key friends of hers aware when you end the relationship then hand it over. It’s not your responsibility to manage her mental health, and her mental health shouldn’t come at a cost of your freedom from control.

Space is too vague.

If you intend to end it (and I really would) then say that.

If she tells you she's going to kill herself or harm herself, send the police round for a welfare check. That is the most you should do. Do not respond, just send the police round. If she is NOT actually going to attempt suicide or self harm, then thats her problem and the polices problem, not yours.

I’m not sure it was a good idea to say that you love her.

In the nicest possible way, that won’t last. She will be bombarding you by the end of today. Watch this space….

Women can be abusive the same as men.
LTB=Leave the bitch.

This is chilling. Crystal clear red-flag bunting, love bombing, coercive control, abusive relationship.

If she were male, you'd be getting much stronger LTB responses.

Run for the hills now, OP. That message exchange is not going to be the end of it. Can you rally your friends for support while you definitively end things?

Your challenge is not dealing with her, it is figuring out why you've missed all the red flags and allowed this for a year. Freedom Programme?

@Dancehalldarling , I think you need to be very specific with regard to your request for space. What does this mean to you? You need to accurately convey this because if you don't then she will simply double down on her neediness and manipulation.

I appreciate that you love this girl but I don't think she is in a position to be in a relationship. You've received some truly wonderful advice on this thread, some of it is so incredibly insightful, and I agree that you are being manipulated and controlled and that if you let this continue then you will find yourself in an extremely toxic situation that will be night on impossible to extricate yourself from.

Decide what it is you want. If you want out then you need to rip the plaster off.

Phasing out is not the answer, but I understand it's easy for us on the internet to tell you why this is a mistake.