Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

Jesus wept! and if he did, she'd no doubt get a tissue out to mop up his tears.

That would get me to screaming pitch, I would feel overwhelmed and suffocated. At best it sounds highly irritating and at worst it sounds as if she is trying her best to insinuate herself into every aspect of your life from what you are doing and with whom through to how you are feeling.

I had a flatmate like this - not even a relationship, and it drove me up the wall.

I agree it's a form of insecurity and neediness - not that that excuses it, and it is controlling behaviour. The person needs to be liked and to show they're a good and helpful person - but doesn't care at all about the other person and refuses to take on board they're being annoying. They're ultimately totally selfish but make you feel bad because they're "trying to be nice". They do it because it works on some people and they'll end up with someone who tolerates it - others will put their foot down. To be fair, she probably won't have a full understanding of it herself. She can't bear rejection and this is how she handles it. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it though.

After a dysfunctional and abusive childhood with no clear boundaries, I used to get sucked in by these types in my youth. I learned to edge away from them at the first sign of it. It's a relief when you do.

Also sometimes people just need time to absorb and prepare for action. This is a very recent post. To be honest I think op has been quite open and receptive to the opinions and advice. You can’t expect a person to fire from the hip just because a whole lot of online randoms are advising it. It’s a thread to people on here; it’s an actual situation with a real person involved to OP. Give her time.

Hopefully it stays that easy.

my main takeaway from experiencing abuse is that you learn to feel responsible for other people’s moods and feelings. It absolutely warps your sense of self. Until a victim recognizes that about themselves and learns to recognize when they are starting to fall into that sort of pattern, it is going to impact every relationship in their life, not just romantic relationships.

Learning that there is a difference between being supportive and helpful vs internalizing every burden the person faces is difficult.

Would the people criticising the OP be as critical if she was in an abusive relationship with a man instead of a woman?

Anyone who has ever been inn an abusive relationship knows how difficult it can be to leave one. Because along with the abuse there are also the good times, and sometimes the abuse can be blurred by those.

Most people do love their abusers, however hard it is to admit that. It’s only with time that they can sometimes see the situation for what it is.

And let’s not forget how many women go back to their abusers, time and time and time again.

So while I absolutely wish that the OP would just send her a message telling her it’s over and then block her, sometimes people don’t behave in the way the Mumsnet collective think they should. That doesn’t make them wrong, it just means that things are difficult sometimes.

I listened to a really interesting talk on boundaries the other day by a psychotherapist whose work I appreciate.

He talks about boundaryless people as those who a) have no capacity to protect themselves b) are dependent on others to think of well of them, if they are to think well of themselves - which is probably why your GF tries to meet your needs so expediently, thinking (even subsconciously) it will increase her standing in your eyes c) in order to regulate and not be upset by negative thinking, she is dependent on your opinion to 'right herself' - so when you do something or say something that isn't positive, she has to chase you down to 'right it'. She can't leave it alone.

What fuels all this is often self-esteem and abandonment issues.

You will make it worse if you send her into a state of anxiety and insecurity. She'll be less able to cope with the break up when it comes. I would follow up tomorrow with a breaking up message. You've given her a heads up now and it's going to be torture for her until you give her clarity.

Oh Dear @Dancehalldarling The text you sent her is, to be honest, but kindly, not any help to you at all. No way is she going to give you space for more than a day or two.

I'm beginning to be worried about you too, following your most recent posts. You really should rip off the plaster now. You really don't want your children having anything to do with this woman.

It does sound like you are already in a co-dependant relationship and you are going to struggle to escape from it. You can kind of see that in your most recent posts especially. Please put you and your children first and take some positive action to 'escape' this relationship

I totally agree that your message to her was very strange and giving her completely mixed signals. I actually think the co-depedency has already started.

She seems to treat you like a child, is she quite patronising? This would annoy me greatly!

OP, I felt sick reading your posts. I could have written them about my ex. I also had the same moment when the scales fell from my eyes and I realised I was in a relationship with someone who had manipulated me at every turn.

I warn you, when I asked for space I got bombarded with messages about how great space was, how i was so right, it was just what we needed. I even got a bunch of flowers and a card thanking me for the space. It was not space.

However his behaviour over the "space" thing made breaking up easy.

Good luck! If you want to DM me please do, as someone who has been through this.

Her associates range from burglars to murderers? I have no idea why you think she can ever be around your dc. Don’t let her hoover you back in.

Edited.
I started reading the thread full of sympathy but it has evaporated - the truth about the other woman is clear to see, what aren't you telling us about yourself?

The infantilisation is very pronounced.

OP before I found your update saying you had dcs ( who sounded youngish) I was trying to think of a “non- ageist” way of asking if you were … well… really quite old and frail. Invalided almost - because that’s what your examples in your early posts brought to mind. I think she’s trying to make herself indispensable to you. That in itself is a form of control.

How long have you been together? People with ADHD can be a bit obsessed/intense in the early stages of a relationship but it passes. I appreciate this isn't your personal ADHD style but I understand it is quite common.

I can’t bear these people who claim they are the way they are because of their past and who expect special treatment/understanding of it.

And what’s with the posters saying she’s unwell/maybe she means well/she clearly loves the OP yada yada yada.

If this was a man nobody would be saying anything of the sort, even with regard to the mental health aspect.

The relationships boards are full of posters whose ex’s send them emotionally manipulative messages, who claim they’re self harming/are going to commit suicide/who can’t live without them etc.

The fact she’s female doesn’t make that any different.

She’s an emotionally abusive, coercive controlling, manipulative cow who isn’t beyond using suicide as a manipulation tactic.

For the posters criticising the OP for taking the softly softly approach, likely it’s because of this manipulation because threatening suicide or having admitted to attempting it in the past is a powerful emotional tool. It’s very easy for those of us who aren’t doing the ignoring to say “just ignore her if she says that,” it’s far different when you’re the one being sent the messages.

OP this relationship is going nowhere. Not ever.

You need to be rid of her. Change the locks on the off chance she has a key to your house, tell her its over and block her number so she can’t send you any kind of manipulative shite.

All seems very teenage and dysfunctional, I would run for the hills. But why not speak to her like an adult instead of sending her vague texts? The whole thing is weird to
me.

🚩🚩red flags all over this one for me!

Sounds like love-bombing to me. She will be constantly underfoot, and expect you to dedicate all yourself to her in the same way.

It’s annoying me just reading about it. I wouldn’t last five minutes with someone who did this

I couldn't tolerate that, it would drive me insane Having to see you every day/sulking/disapproving of your friends is seriously red-flaggy too.

Agree with PP that you are sending her mixed messages here. If you want to end the relationship you need to do so in a very clear and unambiguous way. Telling her you love her is going to give her the opposite impression.

There’s a very high risk that she will threaten suicide/other extreme behaviour once you tell her the relationship is over, because that’s the only way people like this know to behave when things don’t go their way. You will just have to keep your distance and weather the storm until she finds someone else, otherwise she will keep drawing you back in and you’ll never be free.

There was no apology in there or anything sheepish , it was basically a short brush off, and a very odd one at that, who responds to a partner like that. You’d say why what’s up, you ok etc, not basically phew.

Op, is this a reverse, are you the partner you’re posting about? No one sends that weird I’ve lost myself text and gets a Simple sure you’ve got it , back, normally it would be what’s wrong, are you ok, not yeah bye then,

something isn’t right here, no one tells a partner if a year they need space and get a sure thing back with no discussion, and certainly not from someone needy as you’re portraying.

are you posting about yourself in reverse?