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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

462 replies

Dancehalldarling · 20/05/2024 07:19

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

  • driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
  • out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
  • at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
  • constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
  • If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
  • always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
  • we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
  • has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
  • she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

OP posts:
SammyTheDog · 22/05/2024 09:08

@Dancehalldarling Run for the hills! Back away from this relationship NOW before she drives you completely insane. This is not normal behaviour or anything like it. You need to speak to her and clearly outline that suffocating someone like this, is totally inappropriate in a relationship. Tell her straight for her own sake in the kindness possible way. She sounds both insecure and immature, but it's not your job to fix her.

queenparrot · 22/05/2024 09:01

Based on what you've written here, I have diagnosed her with BPD - waif variant. Some of it is so recognizable to me from similar personalities I've encountered over the years. The poor woman, but it is not behaviour I could bear, especially the flicking of the eyes to see your reaction every few seconds as you watch a movie, or tv. Super needy, disguising her need as care and concern for you, and smothering and infantilising you in the process.

Henrysotherwoman · 22/05/2024 08:45

Gosh... this reminds me of an ex. Constantly pawing at me. I couldn't even watch TV without his face appearing in front my face, either wanting constant kissing or cuddling. Drove me bonkers. Good luck moving forward, OP x

Cab65 · 22/05/2024 08:45

you are describing my life so well, but I didn’t cut and run when I should have and now after many years I live with someone who watches me all the time, who asks where I am going every time I stand up, sometimes it’s just to make a cup of tea or go to the bathroom, who literally puts their hand out to bar the way and wants me to touch it before I’m let by. Who is relentless if they want something I don’t want, going on and on until I give in. It’s definitely a controlling thing. I’m used to it but doesn’t mean I like it.

steppemum · 22/05/2024 08:03

Can I just make a comment about love languages?

It is supposed to be about understanding other people better, and about improving communication. It is very much a 2 way thing, not about saying 'I need' but rather about saying 'what does the other person need, or why don't they respond when I do x?' They can be really useful.

So in this context, understanding that she likes physical touch is fine. If OP wants to show her affection, then doing it with physical touch will make her feel loved. BUT and this is pretty important, it also means the partner understanding that not everyone likes physical touch and so she needs to rein it in. And learning what is OP's love language, and then showing OP love in a way which communicates to her.

This idea of - I need touch so it is ok to be smothering with touch - is just pure selfishness and not helpful at all.

tara66 · 22/05/2024 06:56

I think she needs a pet or three.

HereToday99 · 22/05/2024 04:05

I think you should dump her, she sounds crazy as hell. But do recommend her if you hear of anyone looking for a butler.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/05/2024 03:57

MelodyFinch · 22/05/2024 03:49

Well I think she sounds lovely. Perhaps you two need a little break from each other.

Are you for real?

Whats 'lovely' about someone who sulks if they can't see you that day, who hates all your friends and gets sulky and horrid about you spending any time with them, who can't respect any of your personal boundaries?

This woman isn't lovely, she is overbearing and controlling.

MelodyFinch · 22/05/2024 03:49

Well I think she sounds lovely. Perhaps you two need a little break from each other.

scotvic · 22/05/2024 00:55

Oh NO, no, no, no!! This is not right at all, I think you need out of this suffocating and creepy relationship!

ErinBell01 · 22/05/2024 00:47

Just wondering what being a lesbian has to do with 'genders'? Surely being a lesbian means that you're female and it's to do with your sexuality and gender is - well I'm not sure what it is but it's nothing to do with being a lesbian!

DisabledDemon · 22/05/2024 00:36

Dear me, she sounds exhausting. I'm sure that this is all meant with good intentions but then that's what the road to Hell is paved with.

PracticalLady · 21/05/2024 23:59

This is all too much. I am surprised you two are still together.

ellyeth · 21/05/2024 23:38

It's one thing being thoughtful and helpful - it's quite another being completely controlling and overbearing. I am not surprised that you are losing patience - it would drive me mad. Perhaps someone else, of a very needy disposition, might find this "mothering" attractive, but most people would find it stifling.

It sounds like your are finding it very stressful having to contain you growing irritation, so I think it is probably time to back out of this relationship as it will eventually affect your health.

(As others have already said, her dislike of your friends - and their dislike of her - and her constant sulking is a good indicator that something is not right).

LarsPorsenaofClusium · 21/05/2024 23:34

This relationship sounds quite claustrophobic. Lay down your boundaries and if that doesn't work perhaps you need to call it a day.

6pence · 21/05/2024 23:32

Yes, it’s definitely not a healthy relationship. You are doing the right thing, but if you are feeling kind, spell out exactly why you are finishing things, so that she can change things up in her next relationship - or seek therapy.

newtoallthisshizzle · 21/05/2024 23:14

Dancehalldarling · 20/05/2024 08:09

This has really really just hit home with me. Wow.
when you mention sense of self, I feel I’ve already lost it. I want to book a holiday somewhere with my friends but feel like it will upset her because it’s somewhere she wants to go.

I want to get a pet but feel I can’t because we talked about getting a pet when we moved in (this isn’t going to be happening) and it’ll really upset her.

I want to plan things with other people but again feel she’ll get upset I’m making time for multiple other people and not her.

I feel quite sick now actually, I’ve never ever looked at it this way before. I mean I can’t say for sure she’s going to get upset this could be me making assumptions but I would imagine so.

Show quote history

If you’re already countering your own needs with ‘but she’ll be upset with me” I think you might need to put some (lots of) distance between you both. That does not sound healthy at all. Re-read your responses and ask yourself if you’d give the same advice to someone in this situation.

Goinggreymammy · 21/05/2024 22:08

I voted YABU because I don't understand why you are still in a relationship with her? It sounds like she annoys you intensely and you dont like her very much. So I think YABU not to just end it.
I also agree that she is way OTT and controlling by the way, and it would annoy me too.

lemming40 · 21/05/2024 21:54

She sounds annoying. Get rid.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 21/05/2024 21:32

aside from the decorating, she sounds awful

Garlicked · 21/05/2024 21:30

DoubleeDenim · 20/05/2024 16:00

The posters questioning the South London ‘leading people astray’ thing.

I mean, I don’t even live in London or the South, and I’m aware of this culture in South London. Not by any means saying it’s an excuse for bad behaviour, but I do understand the connection between environment, culture and identity, and how living somewhere where crime is normalised makes it more likely to be drawn into those circles than if you live in some leafy suburb.

Again – no excuse for involvement in crime, but does make it more comprehendible than if someone had never been exposed to this sort of thing.

Do me a favour. I lived in South London most of my adult life and managed never to be surrounded by crims & ex-cons. As for North London being a vastly different cultural environment - seriously? Is that river the Thames or the Styx, and are there no bridges?!

You can be surrounded by dodgy people anywhere you like. All it takes is a shared world-view, and you will find each other.

twohotwaterbottles · 21/05/2024 21:21

This lot would seriously give me the ick. Just back the hell up woman. I vote dump tbh. People like this rarely change.

hcee19 · 21/05/2024 21:14

Red flags all over this....trust me, this is just the start of things to come if you let it happen... Ever heard of coercive behaviour??? Please, be very careful

Aria999 · 21/05/2024 21:08

It does sound like it's all about her. She does all these things (some of which are nominally trying to be kind and caring towards you) because she wants to / needs to, without any real thought for what you actually want / need.

MsNeis · 21/05/2024 21:03

Flippingnora100 · 21/05/2024 20:40

It sounds like she has an anxious attachment style and you have an avoidant one. It’s a really common dynamic in couples.

Yes, exactly: it does sound like a relationship dynamic problem.
Also if you have been giving the relationship second thoughts lately, maybe a hypersensitive anxious person like who you describe could pick up the vibe and intensify her already clingy behavior, which in turn could trigger you to be even more avoidant.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, I hope you can find a healthy way out for both of you: good luck 🍀

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