Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

I have an ex-husband who needed his hand held constantly, it was caused by insecurity and once he knew I'd never cheat it calmed.

We divorced because he was still a cunt after reassurance

I think you already know.

Jesus. Please don't waste your one, precious life on such a pompous wanker. Is he much older than you? I assume so, due to his patronising comment. Pretty icky that he sees you as a child yet is content to have sex with and marry you, isn't it?

He'll 'let' you have more responsibility? 🚩🚩🚩

Wow I feel like I could have written this exact post. My husband is exactly the same. He treats me like I'm his child and he says its because I don't have an adult brain yet and maybe when I'm 25 (I'm 24 now) he'll let me have more responsibility

From reading you other comments this sounds like she’s still having trauma from her previous relationships.
Shes doing everything to make you happy as that’s what a last partner expected but now she’s going overboard? I definitely think a gentle but stern conversation and maybe some therapy could help her x

You really need to talk this through more-probably with the help of a counsellor. What you describe sounds controlling and suffocating-but it may look very different from the other side.

I think you need to end this relationship, it isn’t good for you, nor potentially your DC.

Oh dear, I feel for you. I had a boyfriend very much like this, he was very controlling and if I went out with friends he would constantly text me or want to come round when I got home, I went to a wedding reception once and it was in the middle of nowhere and the phone signal was rubbish and because I hadn't received his messages he started texting my daughter! He got the hump at my birthday meal because "I wasn't paying him enough attention" and stormed off and I should have seen the alarm bells then but gave him more chances as I thought he was sweet underneath it all! Another time we went away for the weekend and met at the hotel separately as he lived closer to the hotel than me and I wanted to take my own car just incase! Anyway when I got to the hotel I noticed he had a yellow stain on his shirt & thought a bird had messed on it whilst on the line but he confessed to me he had been lonely & missing me & had the hump so he drank lots if alcohol indoors & tipped his curry over his head! I kid you not!! After various rows & break ups he then threatened suicide if I left him and I didn't want that on my conscience so I managed to break up with him by seeing less and less of him over the period of a year until he met someone else and "dumped me"! Hoorah it worked but it took a while! Now he's with another poor woman !

I was feeling sympathetic about the smothering, which I would hate, and then other behaviours from the OP's partner.
I then became incensed by the OP accepting/agreeing with the fact that the partner fell into criminal circles because she lives in south London, as if all three million people in south London are criminals. The OP says she is a professional but she is ignorant or very prejudiced to believe this. There are so many people prejudiced against London and here is prejudice from another Londoner!

@therejustbarely

This is why same-sex DA isn't taken as seriously because of the incorrect assumption that there can be no power in-balance, and it is therefore a fair fight aka 'boxing ring' myth. I've worked with gay/bisexual men who have been victims of DA and there are power imbalances which are similar to opposite sex relationships and additional ones, especially when the victim isn't 'out'.

Tell that to my friend who was hospitalised by her lesbian partner. And many of us women don't feel a power imbalance with our male partners, thank you.

I would tell her that your love language is having personal space. I would hate the pawing.

No it isn’t blatantly obvious. Nor is it true. There can be a power imbalance in any relationship.

Please leave :(

lol but it might have a different power imbalance based on something else

What is the power imbalance you assume between all men and women in a relationship?

"she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them"
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Does she feel secure in the relationship? I know someone who is quite a feisty person and because of that her partner is always flappy/clingy/over-attentive - I think he is always feeling like he's going to be in trouble if he's not. If you have a similar dynamic just affirming them might mean they chill out a bit. Similar to me and my partner, I'm pretty independent so at first, he was a bit flappy/clingy to try and make sure he had space in my life, but when I was more affirming and carved out regular time/space for him (as well as space for me and the things I like to do independently) he's chilled out a bit. Could it be something that could be fixed with a little communication? - in conversations about boundaries it can be helpful to talk about what you are willing to put in, as well as what is off-limits to them, so they don't feel pushed away. With my ex I never talked about what I was willing to put in, only what was off-limits and in hindsight I've realised I didn't want to put anything in and probably never should have been with them. Legitimately controlling people are another kettle of fish though and that is really something they need to fix within themselves if they aren't able to stop demanding unreasonable things even after reassurance that you want them in your life.

It's interesting because men and women are different. And a relationship between 2 women doesn't have the same power imbalance as a relationship between a man and a woman. That's just blatantly obvious.

Someone asked unthread why it was relevant that this was a lesbian relationship. Having read alot of the answers it is obvious to me. Pisters are a lot more supportive and gentle to an oppressive woman than they would be to a man. If the op had been talking about a man everyone would be saying LTB and no excuses. Interesting!

🚩🚩🚩

Oh dear it sounds as if she is confusing maternal and old fashioned husbandly care with how to show love. A natural instinct misplaced. Very difficult.
It is one kind of behavior which terrifies me and makes me escape because we all want to be responsible adults not weak useless women or incapable children. I imagine few wives ever liked being infantilised as it’s rubbish.
Her seeing you as being weak and needy makes her feel strong. You’ll have to have a serious talk with her .. perhaps have a code word that when she starts acting like that, can be said, and she will stop. And perhaps you will laugh about it. Of course both of you should be looking after each others welfare but in a grown up respectful way. I’m sure she’ll get it.

My first impression was that she absolutely adores the OP and is also pretty insecure and inexperienced. This could be worked on in therapy, unless this behaviour really is pathological and stalkerish. As most contributors seem to think. She’s bringing about the very thing she fears the most.

Get out of this now seriously….

This is chilling. Are you not able to get out of it?