Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

Defo a lot of red flags there. It sounds like you are changing who you are/the things you do to accommodate her wishes or at least doing so because you are worried about her reaction.

She is trying to isolate you from your friends. IIf you have no friends left then you are isolated and you'll stay with her, much harder to leave when you no longer believe you have a support network . As a fellow lesbian I've been in this position myself and it's suffocating. Sounds like you maybe getting the ick as well. But she is controlling you just dressing it up as being concerned and caring

OP that's how it starts.

She gets upset because you're meeting your friends.. and over time you meet them less and less to avoid the hassle, and before you know it you no longer go out.

This! Love language simply means "I would appreciate more of this", not "you HAVE to do this".

If two people's "love languages" aren't compatible they should just break up.

I'm not sure if she sounds controlling or extremely subservient (due to previous abuse?) & has absolutely zero self worth.

Eitherway I can see why it would drive you nuts.

That sounds really annoying and infantising. I guess it comes from a place of insecurity. Maybe she had a bad childhood or abusive relationship. I can act in this quite smothery way when I'm very anxious. I have PTSD from childhood bereavement and DV.
Like if my DH gets upset or sick I fuss over him in a way which stems from my own issues. But he finds it very annoying mostly!
The fact she seems to be trying to stop you seeing your friends is out of order. You mustn't let her dictate who you see.
I think you just need to be firm and say 'please stop fussing over me. I know you mean well but it's really annoying'. Firmly but with no emotion. Then move on the convo. Don't let her start going on about it and making it worse, like 'waa, I'm so sorry I upset you etc'

She takes offence – where are you in all this? It’s your body! If she was that ‘caring’ she’d be paying attention to YOUR preferences and respecting your wishes. The ‘caring’ thing is a smokescreen – she’s doing as she pleases, because it’s what she wants. Your preferences don’t even enter into it, in fact they offend her.

Given her history of abusive relationships, I agree with the PP upthread about it being a fawning trauma response. It sounds like she's stuck in a mindset of needing to keep the peace, and even when there's no real conflict, she feels she needs to do something practical to please you and keep you happy.

Ironically, in doing so, she's become controlling herself.

It sounds like you're already in a position of needing to walk on eggshells, needing to anticipate her sulking and getting upset. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I'd say she's not ready to be in a relationship and needs to be single for a while to heal properly from her past trauma.

Eek. I got to the third one and wanted to run away from the thread! It wouldn't work for me. Very smothering. Can you talk to her about it?

If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me.

God I cannot stand people who use their "love language" as a reason to override other people's bodily autonomy. Why is no one's love language not making others uncomfortable.

ICK

You need to talk to her about boundaries I mean the love language comment is all about her wants she isn't considering yours and yours is you don't want to be touched all the time! It's like when you have kids and they are all over you, you get touched out.

I think that Your first points are a matter of personal taste - though, like you, I’d find them off putting.

The last two though are genuine red flags on their own. Trying to isolate you from friends and getting stroppy if you do your own thing is classic controlling behaviour.

You could possibly attempt to tackle it with a serious conversation- but how do you feel about this relationship having written it all out?

Ugh. Sounds unbearable, being lovebombed like that - and I reckon that there could be a huge reaction to punish/guilt you if you dump her. I'm thinking either 'I'm in hospital/dying/going to end it all' or conversely, full on angry stalker.

I wonder whether she's actually that nice once she's got comfortable in a relationship - you have kids, a car, good income and a home, making you a good prospect - if she can convince you that you need her and persuade you to dump your friends, I'm not so sure it would be fussing as much as 'ah, you'd be lost without me, wouldn't you? Oh look, you're trying to cook, you do try, don't you' interspersed with rage.

The most fussing bloke I knew was absolutely abusive once he felt secure. Just in a sneaky, not openly violent, way until he realised he wasn't as much of a fixture as he thought he was. And the histrionics when he was dumped were a sight to behold.

Massive red flags. Whatever you do, do NOT move in with her.

Although it’s in the guise of being ‘nice’, the behaviour is controlling and she does not respect your boundaries or have a healthy sense of separation between the two of you as autonomous individuals.

If you ever end up living together (please do not ever let this happen) it would be a long, long road getting your life back again. You could end up trapped in a situation you don’t want for years. She would sap your mental strength and wear down your sense of self. Again, please please do not ever move in with her.

Sounds like you've got the ick to me.

Ugh i hadn't read your latest update before i posted. The constant touching - just no! Complete boundary crossing, especially when you have told her no. The sulking is just an extra red flag. Imagine what people would be saying if this was a male partner doing this to you! I would definitely end this. If she's ignoring boundaries like this now, and won't engage in discussion about it, and instead sulks and makes you the "bad guy", this isn't going to improve.

I would bin her off and explain clearly why. It sounds like she's reacting to her difficult past and overcompensating by trying to make her relationship as "loving" as possible.

If you're really explicit about why you're breaking up with her it just might give her pause for thought in her next relationship. Sad but it's not your problem to solve.

I don’t think you are compatible. It sounds like you are getting the ick.

That would drive me potty. It's infantilising, controlling and far too intense. I'd be totally touched out and over it by now. If you were having second thoughts anyway, I'd take that as a sign and break it off.

Her 'love language' might be physical touch but what about yours? The implication is that she has rights over your body over-riding your own because she takes offence if you don't go along with it.
You could sit down and have a serious talk about it all if there any things that you do like about her, would give her the opportunity to change if she can do so.

It sounds almost like she's in the fawning trauma response at times. Like she's hypervigilant to other people "not being okay" and is trying to overcompensate and make everything okay to give her a sense of safety. However it's way OTT and she's so wrapped up in that she can't read the actual reality of the situation that her behaviour is doing the opposite.

This doesn't sound like a relationship that is right for you. Her issues are hers to solve, and there are a lot of red flags in her behaviour. It sounds suffocating, and I would definitely be rethinking things.

She sounds annoying but things like this are the red flags. You’ve asked not to be touched and she’s using the fake science of “love language” to ignore that. She sounds cloying but some of the things you’ve said are red flags like the comments about your friends. I think if this was a man doing this stuff in an opposite sex relationship the comments would be immediately telling you to leave.