Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

If you're having second thoughts then end it.

Just reading this has stressed me out, so how you are putting up with it is mad...

She has zero respect for you or you boundaries. One word....RUN!

Of course not. Women are quite capable of being like this. It doesn't have to be a man.

Yes, agree with this.

And does sound like she is cultivating a ‘codependent’ situation.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would feel like my life wasn't my own. If you can't do things with other people, for fear of upsetting her, you're not free, you're already tied in to what she expects from you.
There seems to be too much going on here, to have to start pulling her up on each time. Is the relationship really worth it? Because, to be totally truthful, if it's like this now and you don't live together, then it's going to be a whole lot worse if you do.
I think you need to firmly tell her you need a break, that you know she cares for you, but that it's all becoming too much and you feel smothered. Once there is a bit of distance, you can gradually lessen contact if that's what you want. By the sound of it, she isn't the sort to take no for an answer, so be prepared for the constant calling and messaging.
You need to be on an equal footing with a partner and this relationship is never going to get to that stage, she is displaying too many of these controlling traits to change overnight. Ultimately, she's trying to get you all to herself, just you and her.
So it's now a case of a) stay in the relationship and have to constantly pull her up on the things you've listed (which will be exhausting!) or b) tell her you need a break, then gradually untangle yourself from her.
I know what I'd chose, the freedom to do what I wanted without fear of upsetting a partner!
It peaked my interest when you said another friend didn't like her, but for a different reason... Does it truly have nothing to do with how she is with you?
Sending hugs and strength to you 🤗

I don’t know how you’re coping with that. I really don’t.

we were out at the weekend and watched this couple. He couldn’t stop touching her, stroking her back, hands om Lower back. Holding her hand, arm around her neck. And we all commented on it, that it was absolutely suffocating and we didn’t know how she was putting up with it. Even when she went to the bar, he walked with her with his arm around her.

her behaviour is controlling under the guise of care. I personally think uou need to get out now. End it. This isn’t going to get better, it will only get worse.

Back away now. You're already lying to her to get her to back off, walking on eggshells.
The last 2 bullets in your OP are definitely worrying. The others sound irritating as fuck.

Do you want the rest of your life to look like this? If not, leave now before it gets more difficult.

Prepare for histrionics when you do dump her - don't fall for it.

Insightful post. I wonder if she had to treat a parent like this? I think she probably needs help from a professional. Sadly she may well be doing this to "keep you" but the effect will eventually be the exact opposite. But as @misskatamari saus, she is so deep into her weird understanding of relationships that your actual needs and desires are completely invisible (and irrelevant) to her.

It sounds like she can’t see you as different people and she’s not yet learned how to truly nurture herself or others (understandable if she’s experienced a lot of abuse and neglect). Truly nurturing one another and yourself means being able to have healthy boundaries and to give an appropriate amount of attention.

She seems to equate love to being entitled to someone else’s person, to own them in a way and to be inseparable to the point of extreme codependency. She also seems to be acting out parenting on you maybe in a way she never experienced because she acts as though you’re a needy toddler.

Im sure she does mean well but the sulking, the controlling, the constant need for reassurance and validation to the point of suffocation is harmful for you both.

Whether you’ve accidentally fed into this by showering her with affection and attention because of her past or not or whether she’s encouraged this dynamic by over giving to you - it’s not healthy. It’s draining you and is not a balanced situation.

She’s had a bad past but what does she do to take actual responsibility for her emotional well-being? Doesn’t sound like she’s done therapy and her solution is to essentially use you as her comfort blanket at all times - and the over doing for you is part of that - she knows you don’t need it, she knows you don’t want it but objects to your objections - because this is not about being there for you it’s about fulfilling her own needs.

I doubt this is fixable honestly while with her as it’s so extreme.

Of course not you might be enabling her or putting up with it because of x y z but definitely not abusive, don't get caught in that cycle.

That isn't a relationship I could be in. If you want to stay with her you need to sit down and put some boundaries in place that would make you more comfortable. But it doesn't actually sound like you want to continue the relationship,so you should end it. It's not fair on either of you otherwise.
Having said that she sounds very naive, and the way she is acting is very possibly down to insecurities based on her abusive relationships in the past. They stay with you, and if she doesn't know how to behave in a stable relationship that is something she will need to learn. In all honesty it doesn't sound as though you want to be the person to help her through that though (that's not a criticism - it's bloody hard work) so I really think you need to finish it, and she needs to work on her self esteem and how to have a healthy relationship with herself and others.

Be kind and end this for both your sakes. She needs more therapy by the sounds of it. I feel bad for her to be honest but she's not your responsibility. You can't live in fear of someone's feelings.

Did anyone else read this and think this partner HAS to be a man? These are things so called 'gentlemanly' men reportedly do, and think they should be doing... constant asking whether you're comfortable, pushing themselves into DIY tasks, making sure you're well 'fed and watered', carrying shopping bags...

I personally think this is them trying to be considerate and taking care of you, but I agree, there is a fine line between considerate, and smothering/controlling.

I agree with @BlastedPimples , this often leads to one feeling they do more and holding it against you.

But because she is running around after you, there is the false sense that you are controlling everything, rather than in fact pandering to her needs and preferences all the time.

By this bit I meant that the controlling behaviour can be less obvious, as on the face of it, the things she is doing are caring for ‘your’ needs – when really it’s not at all about your needs – your preferences and boundaries are being completely ignored. The running around after you is her preference, not yours. She’s creating an infantilising dynamic where you’re dependent on her and don’t do anything for yourself. It’s all about meeting her needs – for closeness, enmeshment, etc.

The long term result of this is your self-esteem to be crushed by the constant assertion that you need help and can't do things on your own. Run.

Small occasional acts like this are fine. Your partner sounds horrendous, and I think what it shows is that they don't believe you.

No, you’re absolutely not! What makes you wonder this?

It doesn't really matter that she has ADHD, past trauma, or is possibly 'on the spectrum', all of those are just reasons for behaviour that's making you very uncomfortable, not excuses.
You don't like it, she won't change, just end things between you.

I think this is the insidious way it happens – this controlling ‘sensitive’ person does not directly tell you – you can’t do x or necessarily stop you from doing anything in a forceful or ‘aggressive’ way. But you grow to learn what will set off episodes of sulking or guilt tripping, and you know they will emotionally drain you, and you grow to feel a sense of dread around those normal things – e.g. plans with friends – in a way that really takes the joy out of them.

Before you know it, you are missing out on things because you don’t want your mood destabilised by her sulking and emotional reactions. But because she is running around after you, there is the false sense that you are controlling everything, rather than in fact pandering to her needs and preferences all the time. Next thing you know, a couple of years have passed, she’s the only person you ever spend time with, she’s more ‘attentive’ than ever and you feel completely trapped as your life is fully entwined with hers and you feel emotionally and socially dependent on her.

Are you in a relationship with my mother?

My mother's late partner (also a woman) had the patience of a saint and managed this behaviour (and the correlated martyrish sulks) with a great deal of warmth and humour. But also appreciated the underlying sentiment, having had very uncaring parents herself. So there was something in it that felt good to her, amidst the stuff that felt annoying.

I cannot stand this, and find it overbearing and controlling. I often end up really snapping at my mother when she's wrestling my suitcase out of my hands to carry it for me or physically fighting me to pay for everything in a shop or fussing over whether I really enjoyed the food she made me. I lose my shit and then she sulks and I feel awful.

Her partner used to be able to smooth this over between us, bless her. Now she's gone it's so much harder to work this stuff out.

She sounds very very desperate to me. That would massively put me off.
You said you've 'jokingly' said I'm not made of glass - I really think you need to start calmly and firmly telling her every time to stop - look her in the eye, be assertive, don't apologise. If she can't modify her behaviour despite you telling her clearly it's smothering you then it's over.