Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

She's really into you and you're not so into her. I'd find that too much if I was you, too, tbf.

I wouldn't text back your response, I would make an arrangement to see her - away from your home, somewhere neutral - and have a conversation face to face.

Whether you decide to end it or not, you need to be able to say how you feel about this relationship. The touching thing made me feel sick. It's what many of my boyfriends did and it's proprietorial, a message to anybody else 'don't touch!', even if there was no reason or threat of that.

You sound like very different people and that shouldn't be an issue, many opposites are together and happy, because they shake down, accept the differences and make it work. You have no wiggle room in this relationship, it's either her way or... she gets upset and makes it your responsibility to back down because, 'love language'. Honestly, whoever thought of that stupid term needs a sharp slap, it's pathetic.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position, OP. It's good that you've posted as there have been some really erudite posters who've shone light on this, it made me think too. I hope you can find a way through - or out of - this, very soon.

I can't see this getting any better, OP. It'll get worse. Just leave. This is awful.

I don’t think it’s actually controlling as such, more infantilising! Which you don’t need as a grown woman with kids of your own. It was driving me mad just reading your fairly short post. I don’t know how you put up with it; I would just finish it!

She isn’t a “poor girl “! She’s a limpet who won’t take no for an answer. If this were a bloke nobody would be saying “poor boy”!

Oh God, I'd feel so suffocated. I really need space or I go mad.

Hell no I couldn't tolerate all this. Anyone of the instances you have described would put me off but all together it sounds awful.
I had an ex who was very clingy and needy, wanting to have his arms around me all the time. constantly asking how much I loved etc. Nowhere near as bad as your situation OP, but god was it annoying!!

I'd find all of that very suffocating! However, she may be doing all those things for the right reasons, ie as a demonstration of love and affection. One exception, I'd say, is the friends thing. You can be friends with whomever you like and do not need your partner's approval about that, or anything in fact. If it becomes a case of her saying: "It's your friends or me." at that point I'd definitely draw the line. Perhaps try to have a sensitive conversation with her about feeling a bit claustrophobic at times, and that while you appreciate her doing things for you, your independence is also important. Also stress this isn't you rejecting her, you just want to do things for yourself at times. Again though, not being allowed to be friends with whomever you want would be a deal breaker for me.

What is your gut telling you op? Do you want to try and make it work or do you want to end it? Do you think you’d feel relieved if you ended it?

Her latest message to you sounds quite patronising to me tbh.

If you want to continue, I would suggest she needs some therapy.

If you want to end it, I would recommend just being completely honest with her. And if she asks for another chance, it’s too late because she already had her chances and didn’t listen to you.

This isn't working for me, I want to end things due to some behaviours of yours that make me uncomfortable. You don't respect my boundaries and treat me like a child, this isn't what I want from a romantic relationship.
Offer to talk about it in person but reiterate you won't be changing your mind.

Sounds like you’re not that into her and she’s become needy because of it.

you need a proper chat.

either break up with her or tell her that you need to come to a compromise between her needs and yours. You both need to decide whether the affection you’re comfortable showing is enough for her. If it’s not then she needs to find someone who makes her feel the level of security she needs.

!!! Crikey. I don’t know how you are coping with this intensity OP. I think I would actually feel very stressed if I was dealing with this

And breath…..or maybe she wants to do that for you too….

The last thing OP needs is more guilt-tripping! Being in love doesn’t give you carte blanche to control someone’s life

It’s like she is treating you and the relationship as ideally what she thinks and want it to be, rather than seeing YOU for who you are and want you want eg thinking you may struggle when you don’t.

I would end this tbh. You need a more mature relationship that also lets you have independence.

The poor girl's in love with you!

*good enough for you,
I had some ugly typos in my post 🫣

It probably comes from a place of insecurity and wanting you to need her, so she feels you won't leave but its toxic. I would suggest you end it and she clearly needs some therapy but she may not accept the suggestion.

Oops. I think I accidentally clicked the wrong vote. Just know one of those is meant to be a BIG YANBU.

she is mothering you; it’s got controlling energy for sure.
she’s maybe an anxious attachment , or severely codependent - I’m not qualified to label - but whatever it is, the base of it is control. Control so she can feel safe and valuable and needed.

when this kind of thing intensifies, people have even been known to encourage illnesses in their loved ones.

your gut isn’t steering you wrong, here: this behavior isn’t healthy. She’s not allowing you independence.

the major red flag for me is her issues with your friends. Just NO! Truly awful - to say “they’re not good who hun for you.” WTF?!

massive red flags.

im sorry, OP. She needs therapy , and you’re not the one who can be the therapist.

just yuck - even one of these things would have me out the door, let alone all of them.

my ex (ok a man, but still) wanted me to be weak and dependent, so he could feel strong and feel needed and heroic, etc.
the whole not letting you carry your own bags is what reminded me. I never once opened a door during four years with this dude. He wouldn’t allow it.

sounds nice, maybe ? Chivalrous or something? It isn’t. It has the effect of turning a person into a doll, into someone who feels smaller; I gradually, over the years, lost my courage when I was with him.

this just seems like it’s only going to get worse. Whether she has good intentions or not - she can’t smother you like this and hope to have a healthy adult relationship.

First of all, you are very naive if you think only men can behave like this.

Secondly, when it’s combined with constant unwanted touching, sulking without daily contact and trying to isolate you from your friends, it’s not just them ‘wanting to take care of you’. Sometimes things that are OK in isolation are massive red flags within a bigger picture.

Not sure how long you've been in a relationship together but she acts like your DM or over zealous lovebombing new lover, not your GF, and that'd truly give me the ick too as to me needy feels desperate. Has she had many relationships before? She sounds more keen on you than you are of her (you don't mention that you love her?) and shes trying to control you by smothering you with kindness. Unequal partnerships are tricky to navigate until you reach a mutual understanding as the person who cares the least holds the power.
You are separate adult people and you have the parenting of DCs to consider so maybe your past being fussed over yourself as your default is to do that for your DC? Time to sit down together and talk about how you see your future together and how her behaviour is making you claustrophobic.

If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me

This slightly made my blood run cold. The very thought of someone refusing to ever let me have my personal space makes me physically shudder.

And it’s not not ‘love language’ to be constantly touching someone against their will. It’s control and domination.

Omg I feel suffocated just reading about it let alone living it. YANBU, you're not a bloody child! I'd be out of there quicksmart.