Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

Everything she is doing 'for' you, is actually something she is doing for herself, her own needs and wants. She's being very selfish, however she sees it.

Absolutely this.

Oh for pity's sake, this is completely unacceptable. She's manipulative and using guilt on you. It might well be because she has her own issues, but that doesn't make it okay.

And it will only get worse. exBIL sent SIL streams of this sort of message when they broke up - pictures and messages about how he was crying while telling their DC that she doesn't love him any more.... Twat.

The pictures of her crying is incredibly emotionally manipulative.

If you do decide to ends things, be prepared that she's likely to try the same or similar tactics to guilt trip you. Remember, as harsh as it sounds, she's not your responsibility. The relationship is not healthy for either of you. She's not ready to be in a relationship and needs time to work on herself. Ending things would actually be the best thing for both of you. I know it's easier said than done, but don't let her make you feel bad.

The sulking and friends thing is controlling. I've had this before and you don't really realise what's happened until it's too late

As cliche as it sounds I never for a minute thought I’d be in this situation.

I think people like this are actually drawn to quite confident, independent people. It’s quite insidious – very much a boiling frog syndrome. You think you’re making concessions of your own free will to be kind, and that you’re in control because you’re the less needy one. Then before you know it your life is small and isolated and revolves around that person.

My love language at this point would be ‘give me some fucking space’

Reply, that’s ok, thinking time is good for me, I’m going to turn my phone off for the night now. Speak tomorrow x

Everything she is doing 'for' you, is actually something she is doing for herself, her own needs and wants. She's being very selfish, however she sees it.

This sounds like a nightmare way to live, being smothered and your own needs dismissed.

Whatever is causing her to be like this, she needs to recognise it's not normal or going to result in a healthy and happy relationship, and get some help. It's not your responsibility to fix her, and it doesn't sound as though she's able to understand or accept she has issues anyway.

I would walk away, kindly, but firmly.

I know you love her so it's easier said than done, but think about what the rest of your life with her will be like. A great phrase I heard recently is ' just because it's sad, doesn't mean it's wrong'

she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell. She regularly sends me pictures crying herself to sleep.

This is utterly nuts. I actually feel physically quite tense just reading this

she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

This is enough of a red flag by itself for me.

She is starting the process of isolating you from your friends; after she's been successful with that she'll start on family.

Once you're isolated, the controlling behaviour will escalate.

I would be walking away from this relationship.

Oh and yes, this.

I don't think it sounds controlling but definitely smothering and I couldn't cope with someone being all over me like that. Also sounds like she may be sensing your resistance / pulling away and is trying even harder to get close to you...

I would end this one now OP as it's clear you're not on the same page.

Although got to admit I am slightly jealous of her ordering you food when you say you're hungry and painting your house whilst you relax 😂

I just think normalising or legitimising this behaviour is not good. It’s not a case of not loving someone enough. Someone having a problem with you seeing your friends, or disrespecting your boundaries is never cool, no matter how much you love them.

Smothering and controlling. She may well be this way as a result of past trauma and due to deep insecurity, but that's not okay. Unfortunately, people like this tend to pick people like you - deeply empathetic who are caring and considerate and willing to accommodate other people's needs. People who know that breaking up with these individuals will make them unhappy and so stay for much longer than they should.

Rip off the plaster now. It will only get worse.

Come on! Could anyone live happily like this with anyone?!

this really sounds like the love-bombing phase of a coercive controlling relationship. She's always in your space, she doesn't like your friends and family, she sulks if you try to assert yourself, she takes control of little aspects of your life by presenting it as looking after you... none of it sounds good. It might seem well-intentioned right now but it would be so so easy to wake up a few months or years down the line with a massively diminished social circle and finding she's turned nasty and you are financially/emotionally/logistically dependent on her.

It already doesn't feel right to you. I'd leave now. Expect her to make it difficult though.

If you really loved someone you wouldn't mind them sulking any time you want to spend time with friends?

So you say you are feeling down and she immediately makes it about her - you’re pushing her away.

This speaks volumes about her. It will also say a lot about if/when she ramps up contact when you say you don’t want to text today.

Very simply – you have the ick. If you really loved this person, you wouldn’t mind any of this but with the wrong person it is irritating the shit out of you.

Time to move on.

I think you should tell her the truth. Tell her you’re feeling a bit smothered and could she give you a little space to breathe. If she responds badly you have your answer

She sounds quite unwell. You can't stay with her. You have your children to think of.

There's no fixing this. She's dependent and trying to manipulate you into thinking you need her care. She's not doing it deliberately but she's not able to support you in a life that would be healthy. Your life would shrink until it was nothing more than her needs and feelings.

You have the ick.

There is no easy way to do it. Break up at a neutral venue and block her on everything. Don't tell her what's wrong with her. Just say you don't see a future and your feelings have changed. She will find fresh meat soon enough.

OP I'd find this over bearing and couldn't cope.
The 14 messages when you have replied to 3 is a lot from her side. The need to 'fix things' is a big red flag to me. Sometimes to 'fix things' you just need your own head space - I know I do.

You need to have a sit down chat about boundaries if you want to go forward.

Her love language is touch - fine not in public - if she needs to do this in public - find a common ground
Holding hands when driving - NO just no (person opinion)

Not going out with finds as it's 'our thing' put a stop to that on both sides. Book the holiday you want with your friends - you probably discussed this before you 2 met. Don't just not go because its somewhere she wants to go probablyafter you retold a conversation about going with friends she decided this.

Tell her to go experience things you have discussed doing together with others. It's not a bad thing to have separate experiences- it gives you things to talk about IMO.

If boundaries can't be made and kept then don't put up with it.

Good luck OP

Is she medicated for ADHD? Has she been officially diagnosed? Sounds more like autistic behaviour. She’s potentially acting how she thinks she ought to and feels hurt and offended when you pull away. She also sounds very co-dependant which if you’re not, will continue to get upset about not seeing you and being with you/touching you constantly. I would advise that you have a very honest conversation with her. If she’s not willing to listen and change, you need to consider the impact that this will have on your children should you decide to continue with this relationship. Try to be kind, though!

Yeash....that's bad. Very controlling, emotionally bullying with the sulking. Run for hills as they say. I don't know how you stand it - she's physically manipulating you too all the time with the coats/constantly touching etc. She's treating you like a helpless child.