Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

Not RTFT but yes a few red flags there and it wouldnt surprise me one little bit if, in a while, you got married or she got her feet under the table and felt you were dependent, she would flip into the really nasty kind of controlling, overtly controlling what you eat and when, what friends you have, whether you're allowed out of her sight etc. Just sounds like she's going to a LOT of effort to lovebomb here.

Blimey, she's very full on! How long have you been together?

No - you don't see it as often, but Some Women CAN be and ARE Violent towards their partners ( and children). It's a myth that women never physically attack their partners. It is also true that some men will not react violently to their partners even when they are being physically attacked

In any case, abuse of any kind, by either Men or Women, even if not physical should never be tolerated

Yes, agree. I have already posted twice saying I think this relationship should end and that the OP's partner is controlling and smothering and has lots of red flags. I did think in an earlier post that if the OP's partner was a man I'd be really worried about potential violence as part of the break up process. Not that it's impossible with a woman, but it's less likely.

She’s not a sweet person.

She’s very manipulative. Being sweet at times doesn’t change her nature anymore than violent person being nice sometimes doesn’t change theirs

Abusive relationships come in many forms and it’s very easy to miss someone’s controlling nature if they do it in a ‘nice’ way.

That’s because with men there is a genuine high risk violence you simply do not see anywhere near as often as with women. The vast majority of coercive, abusive & violent relationships involve men being the perpetrator. Can people who always churn out “ah but if it were the other way round…” please take the time to consider this. It is just not completely comparable.

The touching, air con , cleaning up etc could be nice and thoughtful but when you tell her no she doesn't listen. So it's smothering.

The not liking you seeing your friends, insisting on seeing you everyday is controlling.

I suspect it would only get worse the more you commit. I'm guessing you already have to think about how she will react to something's and is it worth the grief. You are adapting your life to meet her needs but she doesn't respect your.

She's actually not mentally well enough to be in a relationship. She needs professional help, and to focus on that. You cannot do it for her.

She won't allow you to be you. She doesn't accept your no, you're not permitted boundaries. It's all about her. Very narcissistic (there are a variety of narcissistic types, they're not all the loudmouth march-over-everyone sort). Exceptionally controlling and using mind games to get you back in line. The isolation from your friends, as pointed out, is a major red flag (in a sea of red flags).

Going by the tears behaviour, I'd just like to flag something with you. If/when you break up, it's possible she will threaten suicide. If that happens, it's manipulation. You are not the best person to help her in a situation like this, call emergency services. This may help get her on the road towards the support she actually needs.

It's sad and it's hard, but her life is her responsibility. Your life is your responsibility. She's trying to take your life over, you need to extract yourself.

I didn’t think there was any overly concerning until your last bullet point about her disapproving of all your friends and of you going out with them and them not liking her. And the other point about her sulking if you don’t see her. These things are red flags to me because they are usually the first signs of control/coercion. Before I read these points I was just thinking she’s insecure & this is a classic case of anxious and avoidant people together in a relationship.
Id say firstly sit down and communicate all this to her if you like her a lot & want to try make it work but honestly I feel it probably won’t change sounds like she needs to do a lot of healing and work on herself as these issues are usually deep rooted from childhood.

As other pps have already stated, if this were a man the replies would be nowhere near as kind as they are. It would be simple "just get the f*ck out"
I truly believe you need to end this now, block all channels of communication, don't let her manipulate you ( any more than she already is) don't give in to it, for your own and your children's sakes

Im feeling suffocated just reading this. Way too intense, way too much touching, way too many boundaries being crossed, way too many red flags. If you're not ready to end things you could try couples therapy. Loves not enough. She needs to be willing to respect your boundaries, listen to you and back the fuck up with all the possessive smothering behaviour. No matter the reason for her behaviours, they're incredibly damaging to any person she's in a relationship with and to herself as well. That's providing she's not a garden variety abuser. The tell is whether she's willing to accept this behaviour is unhealthy and work on actually changing it or not. Watch her behaviour not her words, verbal commitments mean nothing if her actions doesn't show she is actually working to change things.

Yes, she is controlling. Red flags: not liking your friends, stopping you from seeing them, sulking, not listening to you.

I'd dump her.

@Dancehalldarling There may be all sorts of reasons why she is behaving this way, but it doesn't sound like something that can be fixed because a) she is far too 'needy, OR b) she has a controlling and abusive nature and she is love-bombing you while pretending that she is just concerned for you or c) a mixture of things

In any event your posts are sending up a number of 🚩🚩🚩

On here, people giving you advice/comments are almost universally kindly and being supportive - but if your partner was a man, replies would be screaming that he's awful and you need to LTB ( or similar) and why on earth are you staying with him etc. etc.

We don't like to acknowledge it to ourselves, but there are plenty of women who behave just as badly as any man, have narcissistic traits and are every bit as controlling as their male counterparts. I suspect you are feeling the 'ick' because subconsciously you are aware that her behaviour is not normal? Maybe?

You have told her you have 'boundaries' and she ignores them. If you are sure that you have been very clear about what those boundaries are, I would reply that you can't cope with the smothering, end the relationship and then block her. Sure she will cry and try to emotionally blackmail you. Don't let her!! 14 messages since you started your post 😳is ridiculous

EDITED because I pressed submit too soon

I wouldn't have gone into relationship with a man like that, that's suffocating and controlling bordering on co-dependency.
Even reading your OP triggers me.

Also, the pawing, when you've specifically told her you don't like it, is heading into sexual harassment, or even sexual assault, territory. You have the right to bodily autonomy no matter how much she might like to touch you.

Such as when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell. She regularly sends me pictures crying herself to sleep.

What the fuck?!

No, just no. End it now.

Isn't the point of a 'love language' that it benefits the recipient, not that it's done to make the giver feel good?

She would drive me screaming up the wall! I couldn't bear it

Be proud of yourself OP that you're taking the comments in, and are able to look at things through a new framework. That can be difficult to do, especially when you do love the person. I strongly believe that you need to get out of this relationship.

People aren't morally black and white 99% of the time. She very well might be doing these things unintentionally/subconsciously, due to malformed coping mechanisms and so on. Or it could be a mix - some things are done intentionally to keep you tangled in, while others are done compulsively because it's how she's used to coping. Regardless, the impact on you is and will be major, and hugely damaging.

Such as when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell.
Surprised she didn't say she would kill herself unless you come back. She deliberately sent those pictures because she knew you had no boundaries left.

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out while you can. You cannot fix her, or make it better.

I don't think you are OP. And that's fine. Don't try to force something because you feel bad / feel like you need to do the right thing...

YNBU. ‘Love’ is about listening and respect. I love when my DH offers to help or asks if I need it, and love when he respects me when I tell him I’m fine. I also love it when he listens when I ask for help and gives me the actual help I’ve asked for and not the help he thinks I need.

For balance, though, he also pisses me off from time to time when he doesn’t notice I’m about to collapse under the weight of the shopping, am on my knees from decorating, or when he decides to tidy things away that I did not ask him to - and I then cannot bloody find them 5mins later!! Usually it’s an empty wine glass that I was heading over to the fridge to get a bottle and refill…

So, no, your GF is simply not listening - either in the moment or to your requests to back off and respect you. She isn’t hearing, seeing, or valuing you as she should be. She is feeding a model of herself as a caring, thoughtful and loving person… it’s a form of narcissism.

This is just way too much. And she seems to have an answer for everything. It sounds like you would have so much more time for yourself and your kids - and wider friends/family - if you stopped this suffocating relationship.

So you tried to leave/ call ot off and she emotionally railroaded you to stay.
Please take a look at the below @Dancehalldarling

"She regularly send me pictures of her crying herself to sleep!"

She's not well, has no emotional regulation and she's trying too hard in this relationship to make you "fix" her and make her happy. I'd break up in a neutral space and be very wary afterwards. Don't offer to "just be friends" as that'll give her hope that if she pleases you enough you'll rekindle the relationship.