Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

I'm not sure she's being manipulative for a very malevolent reason - I am getting a strong vibe that she has an anxious attachment style and hasn't processed past traumas in a healthy way. I have acted like her in some ways in the past, before I had a ton of therapy. Her behaviour goes a lot further than mine ever did, though, and it seems she is acting in an abusive and controlling way. The thing is that even if she isn't the devil incarnate, it seems unlikely she'll be able to work on herself within the context of your relationship. It really sounds like it would be best for both of you if things ended.

The negative impact of all of this on you shouldn't be downplayed just because she has her own trauma. You are being controlled and isolated from your friends, that really isn't good, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Just remember that her problems aren't something you have any responsibility to help with.

Your updates suggest that she needs intensive therapy imo, and is not ready for a relationship.
IDK how you can end the relationship without hurting her feelings by saying that, or having to mange her behaviour. I think you should take advice about how to end things from an organisation such as Women's Aid, and put a plan in place.

Sounds like she has no respect for personal space.

I'd get super annoyed if someone was always touching me or constantly going on even after a no.

After reading the update, 14 messages is extreme.

@DoubleeDenim Yes. If the OP makes it all about her, then hopefully the controlling partner has less fodder to use to claw their way back in.

Men are statistically more likely to be violent, although there are many violent women too and lots of men do suffer physical abuse from their partners (and most of those men never retaliate). Men rarely come forward to talk about it, though, and often when they do it gets laughed off or dismissed because of the physical strength issue.

Women are every bit as likely to be coercive and controlling, though. It just doesn't get recognised as much.

I'm a former victim of domestic violence at the hands of a man. I have no interest whatsoever in playing down violence against women - quite the opposite. But I also despair at people who think women aren't dangerous too.

Domestic violence by women is more common than you think.

Violence in general by women is more common than you think.

Paedophilia and child sex abuse by women is more common than you think.

Sexual assault of women by other women is more common than you think.

Coercive control and emotional abuse of partners by women is absolutely as common as coercive control and emotional abuse by men.

She’s also cheated on you??

Following your update @Dancehalldarling

When she disappeared early on and you took her back she realised she could walk all over your boundaries then.
Unfortunately you lowered the standards and now she can't let you go as who else can she cheat on that will take her back?

How long were you separated from your Ex before you met/started a relationship with her?

Imagine sending someone a picture of you crying or crying yourself to sleep. That’s so bloody disturbing.

Jesus that’s bloody weird, the crying photos; this level of control and emotional black mail is abusive, how you’re declaring you love her ans she’s sweet I simply cannot fathom,

she’s emotionally abusive, controlling,and will not stop till she isolates you totally.

get out op.

Just curious – what’s the rationale behind OP ‘making it all her fault’? Is the idea to pre-empt the GF insisting she will change, etc. (which inevitably won’t happen)?

You have inadvertently got into a relationship with a controlling mother who you have to walk on eggshells around for fear of 'upsetting' her.

Any suggestion of 'separateness' is experienced by her as hurtful.

If she loves lemon cake, I bet you are afraid to say 'No I don't like lemon cake' because she'd be feel personally attacked by that.

She won't grow out of this.

When ending it, make it all your fault:
"I've changed my mind about wanting to be in a relationship"
"Being single suits me better, I prefer that way and I've made my decision. Sorry for hurting your feelings"
Don't get into any discussions just keep it you've made a decision and that's it.

Get rid of her, she sounds awful.

when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out

She's done WHAT?! This is awful behaviour on her part. SO manipulative. MASSIVE red flag.

she really is such a sweet person

Yeah, the thing is, she really isn't.

All these 'sweet' and 'nice' and 'caring' things she does are not actually for you. You really need to stop framing it as her wanting to make you happy. That isn't what it is. She's doing it for herself because it makes her feel like she's a saintly caring person, and that in turn makes her feel superior.

I'm guessing that she actually bloody loves it when you're unhappy or sad about something (eg your friends) because she then gets to enjoy comforting you and telling you that you don't need them because you've got her to look after you.

It's all manipulation, OP. She might not even be aware of it herself, but that is absolutely what it is and you need to run for the hills. This relationship is going to be hellish if you continue it.

I suspect when you break up with her (because you DO have to break up with her) she will become hysterical, angry, accuse you of ruining her life, will bombard you with messages that will alternately be sweet/calm and then overwrought/distressed, will keep badgering you to meet for 'closure', may threaten to harm herself, etc. DO NOT be taken in by it and DO NOT stay in contact with her.

The pawing does drive me insane. I get quite overstimulated by that sort of thing. Wherever we are let’s say a queue or at a till waiting to pay she’ll be stroking my hips or back with the back of her hand. If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me

So you are not allowed boundaries because she has her needs

She thinks you need to be treated like a princess but won’t allow you to do anything you want

I'm sorry @Dancehalldarling but after reading your updates it sounds completely untenable and unhealthy. I've had relationships with damaged people and it's hard not to sympathise and forgive them for crap but not seemingly harmful behaviours. I'd say I'm damaged but I've worked hard to deal with past abuse and be a decent member of the community. Some people unfortunately can't /won't sort themselves out and she, currently, is one of them.
Get rid, but maybe get support from friends in anticipation of a backlash.
Good luck with it all

This sounds incredibly suffocating! Yanbu and you need to talk to her - spell out everything you’ve put in your op and make it clear you can’t carry on with the relationship unless she backs off a lot because this is just too much.

The ultimate problem is that she is too emotionally immature to recognize the problem: to recognize that she has a problem. Whether you think of it as a trauma response (hypervigilance, fawning) or an attachment disorder (anxious attachment style, lack of object permanence, inability to tolerate separation from love object) or co-dependency she can’t help herself because all these things are her solution to her problem, not a problem in and of themselves.

And for her separation from you, your independence, any social or physical distance, is intolerable. She can’t accept it. She won’t work on it. And she will become more frantic the more you , even gently, assert yourself.

You have to end this for your sake and your dc sake. This is horribly dysfunctional and you will end up shrinking your life to fit her.

It sounds like she’s probably got an anxious attachment, likely caused by her experience of childhood trauma, and she manages that by trying to control you. That’s not to say I think all of the behaviours you’ve outlined are abusive, although they’re certainly suffocating and enough to give you the ick, but there are a fair few behaviours which would be considered abusive. This image might be helpful in thinking about what behaviours are abusive.

That sounds like a mother looking after an infant.

You didn't cause this
And you can't "fix her"

You say she had a difficult background. That means she has learnt bad ways of interacting with people. She has also learnt to be insecure in her attachment. She has a lack of self worth and is seeking reassurance and trying to placate you at all times.

I would really suggest getting out. As your priorities have to be yourself and your children. She needs to seek real help to heal herself, and doesn't sound ready for a relationship

Although it's difficult splitting up with someone you have feelings for, especially if they're being emotionally manipulative, there are multiple red flags here, as others have said. If being in a relationship is important to you, it should be by your own choosing, not to please someone else. She may well be upset if you choose to end things with her, and it might be hard for her initially, but that happens the world over when relationships end. It's not your fault, and she will get over it.

You are not being unreasonable- this is a very unhealthy dynamic. It’s time to put boundaries in place. Tell her that you cannot carry on like this and you’re feeling completely suffocated and want her to get some help. You’re under no obligation to do this but from the vibe of your posts, I think this will be easier for you.. codependency is a two person dance and usually one person wants to dance more than the other.. it will do you good to have some therapy too. But be very clear to tell her that any pics of sobbing are emotional manipulation and that it’s precisely that behaviour that has to stop.
You’re clearly a caring person and she’s more damaged than anything but it’s very unhealthy. Who knows, maybe you’ll both come through this? But work on yourself and be open with her about what boundaries are. If you choose that you want to end it, yes she will be upset but you can’t sacrifice yourself to keep someone else wrapped in cotton wool. And ultimately it will actually make her see the consequences of her actions.
🤗

It’s already bad enough without violence. Control doesn’t have to mean fear for your physical safety. And that being said, DV happens in same sex relationships too. I get your point about how a woman may not be as likely to physically overpower you in the same way as some men, but that doesn’t diminish the seriousness of this behaviour. It should be taken just as seriously as if it were a man.